How can i help my daughter to build a relationship with her father?

Question

My daughter will be three in october (i had her when her father and i were both 18) and, due to problems her father had with his temper we have had no contact since i was pregnant, untill he called me out of the blue a couple of months ago.

Now (after i met him a few times alone), he has joined us to feed the ducks or go to the park etc. a few times, but she doesn't seem to like him, won't leave my side and says that she doesn't want to see him (she calls him by his name, not daddy or dad).

I am concerned that my family's (who she and i live with) attitude about him (he is not allowed in the house for example), and the feelings that i have towards him are ruining her chances of getting any real relationship with him.

Does anyone have any suggestions or somewhere i can go for help.


Thanks x

Answer 1

This may be a question to bring up with your pediatrician, who might be able to refer you to a child psychologist who can help. It might also be good to get a family court associated social worker or child advocate involved. (If you see a child psychologist, even for just one consultation, he or she should be able to give you a list of resources.)

Your daughter's opinion of your ex may very well be colored by your family's and your past comments and attitudes, and those things will take awhile to overcome. She may also be a little reluctant to get friendly with someone who is, to her, a stranger.

Although it would be ideal if she could have a good relationship with her father, her - and your - being cautious at first may actually be a good thing. You mention that her father had a bad temper, bad enough that you broke off contact with him. What was the cause of his temper, and what has he done to change?

I'm glad he's showing some interest in your daughter - perhaps he has grown up some - but now that he's rediscovered his fatherhood, what are his plans? To provide monetary support? To have regular visitation, both so he can help raise your daughter and give you badly needed time off? Has he truly had a change of heart, enough that he's interested in being a responsible father instead of merely a "baby daddy"?

This brings me to the next thought: a visit to a lawyer or legal advisor might be in order. Exactly what are your ex-boyfriend's "rights" where your daughter is concerned? Were his parental rights terminated? Does he have a right to visitation? Can there or should there be a condition that another person be present when he sees your daughter?

I am all in favor of children having relationships with both parents whenever possible. Among other things, little girls who don't have a father relationship are at greater risk of getting pregnant as teenagers.

However, there were good reasons you left the relationship with him, and it would be good to be cautious about this situation. You're right to look into getting some help.

Good luck!

Answer 2

It's gonna take time but continue to feed the ducks. She's only three. Take her to the movies, to the park, shopping, to Mc Donald's, bowling and other fun things like that but you should go with her. Eventually, if you show that you are comfortable around him she will share that more with you.

Whatever you do, don't push her and don't leave her with him if that's not what she wants. She feel abandoned and hate you for it. If you are truly concerned and the dad is also, you might want to suggest counceling for the three of you. Even though you don't all live together you are still a family.

Answer 3

Well, i would suggest that if you really think your daughter will be able to benifit from a relationship with her father, then you need to sit down with your family and talk to them about it. Any negative feelings that you or they have for your child's father will just make her feel like she has to dislike him too. It's normal for her to be worried about another person who comes in and creates tension between those whom she loves. Until she starts to trust her father, and relax around him, she won't call him 'Daddy'. I would suggest you talk to someone who's unbiased and trustworthy, perhaps even a social worker, councillor or doctor, someone who has experience iin these matters. Also, you have to be sure that this man's past negative behavior won't resurface, and cause yourself and your daughter more pain.

Answer 4

it will take time she has to get to know him, your doing the right things by going to the park, I raised 2 girls my nieces both didnt like there parents, I let them decide on there relationships with there parents at 3 years old theres not much you can do, they sort of run on instincts at that age, who treats them the best an is the most fun, but as they get older they get influenced by others like your family an the negitive reactions of them, dont try an force him on her, she will come around if he treats her right
if not he dont deserve to be called dad!!! my girls have a relationship with there father now. but not there mother she dont contact them, they were 4 an 6 when i got them there 16 an 18 now

Answer 5

You can't expect your little girl to want to see her dad...she will have to get to know him before she will happily go to him etc. (I have a daughter who doesn't see her real Dad....hasn't since she was 2.)
She has no desire to see him and would be very wary if she did.
I wouldn't force her to see him but I would encourage and ensure her that he is a good man(hopefully he is) and that he's not going to change anything between you, her and your family.
Carry on meeting him in the park etc until they get to know each other and once she starts to trust him and love him then your family may welcome him for her sake.
Whatever you do, don't force her to see him and don't tell her off if she says she doesn't like him, he is a stranger to her after all.
Good Luck. X

Answer 6

Hi. Let me just say what I think, ok? Put your child first. She is scared for a good reason. Do not hurry this. Unless you can honestly say that your man is getting serious, in depth anger management counselling and is deeply committed to that, do not force your girl to be alone with him. Listen to her. Really listen. She needs you to not put your own desires (you have been going back to him like a moth to a flame for years) ahead of hers. Accept the fact that you have a major responsibility for your safety and that of your kid in this relationship. 95% of the change that needs to come needs to come from him, and his track record is not all that great, is it? Be smart. Be honest. Protect your child. Straighten your life up and start fresh by being more assertive and self-aware. Sorry, but that's really being truthful. Hope you don't hate me for telling you what I think you already know in your heart.

Answer 7

Tell him to lower down to her level so she won't be so scared.And have her spend more quality time together.
Maybye the park or something.Find out what she likes and go to
gocitykids.com and plan her perfect day with her daddy.

Answer 8

Kids sometimes sense things that we don't (BEWARE) tempers don't change though as we grow older we learn to control them better , perhaps it would be better to respect your daughters wishes because only time will win her over , she might prove right but she'll happily accept him if she is wrong .

Answer 9

well i have not got kids but i think your family should not be saying bad things about him when your daughter is around and i think u should speak 2 your family about letting him in the house but only when they r there maybe

good luck hope u get thing sorted

Answer 10

if she dont want to b around him then dont force her if u know he has a temper then y would u want to put ur child in that u want him to snap at her. if she changes her mind later that she wants to see him then fine but dont push it.