Is this a turnoff for guys?

Question

I am now in college but when I was 16 my boyfriend and I decided to go all the way. Well 2 months later I found out I was pregnant. My family was disapointed but supportive and laid down all the options. I decided to have the child and give it up for adoption because I knew I was too young to be the best mother I could be but I wanted to give it life. Both my parents are doctors and I knew I wanted to be one as well and that would be much harder to accomplish as a parent. Well anyway when I tell guys this that are persuing me this they often back away and want nothing more to do with me. Why? It is not an open adoption so I never get to see the child so it is no "excess baggage" for the guy. I don't understand..

Answer 1

You did what was best for you and your child. You have nothing to be ashamed of! I know people who were adopted and have lived much better lives because of it. If a guy can't accept that he isn't the one. Guys hear the words baby, child, kid, anything that can be even loosely associated with responsibility and they get scared and a lot of them run. Its the whole fight or flight thing. Eventually you'll find one who is able to fight through the feelings he has intially and appreciate how mature and responsible you were able to be at such a young age.

Answer 2

I agree with a lot of the people who answered on here. It seems that you are giving way too much information way too early. Those type of deep personal revelations and discussions should take place after a long period of time and as a part of getting to know one another. It may not be the info you are giving them that turns them off but the fact that you are giving it. If it is a first date, they want to talk about things that are fun and not too deep. They want to play and flirt. It is hard to have fun when someone is laying a heavy thing like that on the table. On the other hand, I think you did a very admirable thing to give this child life and make that personal sacrifice so that he/she would have a good life that you could not provide. Just wait to reveal it until later down the road with a person that you think you might have a future with.

Answer 3

You did the right thing in putting the child up for adoption. That was a very brave act and the best thing for the child. Take it from an adopted child. My birth mother gave my up, then two years later had another child. Gave that one up also. Obviously at that time she was not god parent material. But do not be surprised if some day in 15-30 years some child doesn't find you. I always wanted to find my birth mother and it took me only two weeks . As far as those guys backing away, I think that they are the losers in this situation. You have shown the maturity at an early age and should be blessed for that decision. If you want to contact me at any time to discuss this further, please do so through my yahoo answerer's page. I do care about you and this situation.

Answer 4

When do you tell them this?

In reality, "full disclosure" at the beginning is ill-advised - despite all those who may moralize otherwise. You are right in that it is no "excess baggage", and any decent man will - once they know you - see it as no big deal. Only an immature asshole would react otherwise - so no loss.

When he doesn't know you however, it is a bit scary to lay that out in front. By making this declaration you are making a big deal out of it, and thus inviting them to do likewise. At the start there are so many ifs and buts - it just gets added onto the pile. Everything carries too much weight at the start - first impressions, remarks here and there, etc.

Answer 5

Yeah, this is a deep secret that you want to keep until you are more serious with a guy. I would wait until you are committed to someone, after you've been intimate about a lot of stuff, and probably after you've been having (safe!) sex for a while with that person. Have a sit down, tell them that it's not a big deal but you want him to know about something, and just put it out there like it's nothing and you did the right thing for the baby and you learned your lessons in life and you are WAY smarter and more cautious in general. I think if he loves you this will not bother him, because there is nothing to bother him there.

Answer 6

Do you have to get it all out on the first date? No. You sound like an honest soul to me but don't share that confidence with someone unless you both are getting pretty serious.

A lot of men believe that giving up a child, no matter what the reason is a sin, don't worry honey the right one will come along.

I don't think you have to come clean about everything on the first date or second, give the relationship a chance.

Answer 7

I think that you might be giving this info away a little too quickly. On the other hand it is a good way to weed out the shallow, bad guys. I would keep this info to yourself. It is your business and no one elses. When you meet a guy that you want to have a more serious relationship with and you ready and you feel that things are pretty stable, tell him about it. Any worthwhile guy who already knows the real you and really wants to be with you won't be too troubled by this. By telling someone early on, they don't know you very well and have to decide if you are worth the effort. Hold this one to your chest and when you are comfortable with it feel free to tell your new man. Good luck.

P.S. - You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Answer 8

Maybe the guys you are telling think that you don't want kids at all. Or maybe you are telling them too early in a relationship. Something like that should not be disclosed right away when you first meet someone. that is a more intimate conversation peice. The only exception is if you actually are a parent currently. Just because you had a baby doesn't mean your a parent.

Answer 9

Hey Ms Texas Tech and go Raiders! I know you will get a lot of answers on here. Of course there never are any easy answers to the things you have had to deal with. But the most simple answer I can think to your guy situation is that they simply sound like boys. Don't let them get you down. Stay focused on your plans. There are young "men" out there who are as intelligent, thoughtful, and as well raised as you seem to be. They can be harder to find because they are working as hard as you are toward a goal instead of out chasing girls. You hang in there.

Answer 10

If you are in college, most college guys dont want a girl thats already had a kid... Heck, alot of college people are too young to even consider having children so they think of you as "used". I am not trying to be mean or anything, thats just probably how they are thinking. If youve already had akid and dont have Anything to do with the child, best thing to do is simply keep that to yourself. Older men are more receptive to the idea, but college guys arent, obviously.