My mother just found out that I'm sexually active... What can I do to stem conversation and calm her down?

Question

Here is some background information: I'm 21 years old and I go to UCSD medical school. I know I'm a little old to be living at home but medical school is a hefty bill. I am Taiwanese thus, my family is extremely conservative. My mother hasn't even talked to me about my period yet. It's just like my mother to look through my stuff and behold, she found a used condom. My boyfreind of two years is not leaving because of the situation. My only fear is having a bad relationship with my mother. I know that she is extremely disappointed in me. I know I should not care about what she thinks because I'm an adult. Should I forget about talking with her ever again and move out? Or should I try and talk to her? If so, how do I start the conversation and how do I maintain a stable conversation? What can I say to calm her down? If an argument starts, what can I say to defend myself?

Answer 1

Bless your heart, this is a tough situation. Naturally you love your mother and you don't want to disappoint her, but children don't always have the same values or beliefs as their parents.

There's probably some compromise state between not talking to your mother ever again and between opening up to her about your private life. I don't know what it might be, but I'll bet there is one. I also bet the situation you've run into is pretty common among children of first generation immigrants. I also suspect that although your mother is disappointed, she doesn't want to cut off contact with you.

Do you have friends or a counselor you can talk to, someone from a similar background who's either been in a similar situation or can empathize with it? Talking to someone like that might help, might give you some ideas.

Unfortunately, as long as you live at home, your parents may feel that they have the right to a certain amount of control over your life. One compromise to consider is not violating their rules while you're in their house. I.E. when you sleep with your boyfriend, do it at his place, not yours.

I'm not sure how to handle an argument with your mother, since the crux of the matter is that you have different values than her. She probably isn't going to be able to get enough detachment to look at it in those terms, though. Rest assured that you're not a bad person, a tramp, or whatever else she may be concerned about. You're simply someone caught in an uncomfortable spot between youth and adulthood, a period which will pass.

I'm sorry for not being more helpful. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck.

Answer 2

First, make sure you have drawn CLEAR boundries about yourself and how much say your mother has about what goes on in your private life. If she is paying your tuition, and you are living at home, either or both, then she kinda sorta can tell you what to do! Also, if youre NOT using a condom EVERY time you get it on, then you are not mature enough to be getting it on! Ewww! Why did'nt he take that foul thing with him when he left? There are oodles of diseases that don't even have names yet, that are just waiting for the right human incubator to come along, and you could be the lucky one! Try to remember your mom was raised in a different time, and that all that stuff was SHHHHHH! remind her youre an adult, & you are being responsible, then openly listen to anything she has to say w/out arguing...remember, you don't have to do it just because she says so! You ARE GROWN, aren't you? Then again...if your'e so worried, you might want to question why...is there a point to something she said, or didn't say?

Answer 3

We'll... I would start by confronting the issue head on. I'm 20 and African American , and I come from a Good Christian -strict household and I kinda had a similar situation, (except I got caught in the act.) This issue NEEDS to be discussed because, if you don't mention it at all and act like it never happened, it'll only make things even more uncomfortable. Since ur in Med School i know u can think well. So i want u to think in her shoes. I think your Mom is probably more upset that u did "the deed" in their house then the actual deed, being done period.

So 1st off (as words of defense) you need to apologise. Because when u have sex and ya parents house it lessen's your character as a woman, regardless of how long u and ya boo have been together. And also it shows ya boo & ya Mom, that in a sense you dont have much respect(as u thought u did) for their house or yourself. I'm only saying this to you because this is what i learned through my own experience.

Your mom and my mom are 2 different people. my mom is very open and let me know early about my period and sex, but they are the same with being conservative. So an apology and maybe telling her some of this question,( Like how you feel reluctant to talk to her about things like this, because she doesnt talk to you.) And who knows? Maybe she hasnt talked to you because Nobody talked to her!

Talk to her!!!!!! hey, if u were big enough to do the deed, you can handle workin this out. I aint against you at all, and i admire ya courage for askin for advice. and at least your having safe sex ! :) let me know hat happens.

Answer 4

Sounds like your mother is going by the way she was raised. Her culture dictates that you only have sex after marriage. Because of this fact, you may never be able to talk to her about this. It is a exercise of power, even if often tempered by a genuine but inexpressible love. Her disappointment is a classic symptom of the mother dominating the household. You have gone against her.
I would suggest moving out and letting her know that you still love her, but you live in a different world than she does. Be careful to continue to talk to her about it. She may come around someday.
Good luck!

Answer 5

Why would she find a "used condom"? That's really bad, unhealthy, doc. You should have wrapped it up and threw it away and you wouldn't be having this problem with her. There's nothing you can do with a conservative mother. Just agree, hang your head low in shame and apologize over and over. She'll get over it, just show her remorse and I'm sure she'll be more likely to be more accepting of her daughter growing up. Don't even bother telling her about the way society is and how everyone does what you are doing, you know as well as I do that she will not give a damn about any of that and just get angrier. Apologize, finish school and move on, Doc.! good luck

Answer 6

If you are living in their house and they are paying for your schooling..,they have a right to set the ground rules and if you cannot abide by your parents wishes.Move out.Real simple,however you may actually have to be responsible when you do move out..,a condom is not going to keep you from getting pregnant or getting a sexually transmitted disease and if after two years your boyfriend hasnt asked you to marry him..,he wont..,why should he when hes getting sex with no commitment.Gee go figure that one out..,,maybe your mother doenst want you pregnant,single parent and no education.

Answer 7

omg, im sorry. Hmm you need to tell her that in families they should be able to talk about sex and the natural things that happen to a womans body. disappointed? YOUR MOTHER NEEDS TO GET A DANM grip, youre in medical school, its not like you got knocked up at 14 and now 21 ith 4 kids, right?
tell her too look around, she has alot to be proud of.

Answer 8

your 21 your an adult..but your realtionship with ur mom will always be the strong enough to talk about anything. she will come around...she should have talked to you about your peroid when u was 12-13 cause everyone woman has one..sometimes i think our moms dont want to lose thier little girl.. i am 21 too and i tell my mom everything just open up alittle more and maybe she wont freak out so bad! good luck and i hope this is the man of ur life!

Answer 9

You are 21 and well over the legal age. I think that she just didnt want to believe that you were having sex before she found the condom. Seriously, she has to get over it. Have you asked her when she had sex for the first time? i bet she was alot younger than you are. She should be greatful that you are using condoms!!!

Answer 10

You have to tell her you're 21 and you're going to live your life the way you want it, and the best she can hope for is that if you ever need anything you'll come to her, and she'll be willing to help. She's not going to want to hear it, and she's certainly not going to like hearing it, but she needs to know that you're a perfectly capable adult, and she needs to let you make your own choices.

Then, if she can't get over it and doesn't want to have a relationship with you, that's her problem, not yours.