Please help my mother is depressed and refuses to seek help. How can the rest of us help?

Question

My mother has been depressed for over three years now and it is really taking a toll on everyone. Whenever I try and talk to her (overcoming depression myself) she says that it's just the way it is right now. I can understad where it comes from because between my brother and I going off/graduating college, her loosing her mother to pancriatic cancer, finding out her fathers cancer has spread, and turning fifty she has a lot to deal with. I hate seeing my dad demeaned by her anger and seeming desire for conflict. But the most distressing thing to me is that she has no desire for things to change or seek professional help. What can we do to help? Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Answer 1

If you can get your mother to let you make an appointment with her doctor, do so immediately. She sounds like she is long overdue for some serious medical care. I know it must be hard on you and your family right now but do try to get your mother to seek help. There is medication for depression that can make a significant change in your entire family's lives.

Answer 2

Try to get her out of the house doing something like walking. I have been going through depression and I don't like to walk by myself. It would be better if I had someone to walk with. The hardest thing to do is to get started doing something different when you are depressed. This is where my family could have helped me, but it seems as though when I am around them I just make them feel bad so I try to stay away. My counselor and meds are the only thing that kept me going through the whole ordeal. My so called friends and well intended family members even put me down for taking the meds I needed. There were a few days when I thought I would lose my mind because I felt so all alone. God bless you for caring about your mother! I will pray for her. I know what she is going through.

Answer 3

Depression is very difficult to overcome - often the 'help' is merely the expression of a wider mutual dependency then your own family & friends circle. You will be directed to express your pain in a never ending series of 'confessions' to other depressed people, w/wo medication. Your Mom is having the female mid-life crisis, your Dad probably experienced a male verison when 40-45 yrs old - we ladies seem to experience it when hit with futility - children no longer seem to need you, illness and life are taking away your own authority figures, and sometimes a sense of personal guilt - perhaps for unspoken love or forgiveness. Just keep talking to her letting her know that she isn't obsolete, she does have value, and you Dad bringing her a rose, or whisking her off to a romantic weekend (doesn't have to be expensive, just caring!) occasionally - and a gentle reminder that losing her would pain you as much as the loss of her parents is hurting her. Time heals all wounds they say, and she is experiencing the fears associated with personal loss and the assumption of 'senior' matriarch - if you and your brother are adults, then she is going to be 'overseeing' a next generation beyond you, and it is an awesome thought to contemplate. Just keep talking to her, ask her help with 'researching' or 'reviewing' some of your college work, (this is good advice for Dad too!) and above all love them, for they'll be gone sooner than you imagine.

Answer 4

What does your dad say about this? That would be my first concern, since he's the one who lives with her. If he can put up with her moods, then you certainly can, since you (hopefully) don't live with her. I would just keep encouraging her to seek professional help. Share your story with her, and tell her how much better your life is now that you've gotten some help with your depression. She sounds like she has had a lot to deal with at one time, with having children leave the nest, and losing a parent and having the other parent being terminally ill as well. She's facing her own mortality, and maybe feels like everything she's done in life up to this point is a complete waste. Reassure her that you need her still very much. Good luck

Answer 5

I can so relate to what you are going through. I feel sorry for you and your whole family. It is true about the saying " IF MAMA AIN"T HAPPY NOBODY"S HAPPY " !!

Besides being depressed and I believe your mom is, she could also be going through the change and that is a double whammy. She may need to be on Hormonal Threapy and Anti -Depressants. Does she have a friend or family member that can talk her in to going to the Doctor ? She does need help she has been through alot. There is no shame in being depressed, you can't help what chemicals are lacking in your body. Stress can cause depression and she has definitely had her share.

The best thing you can do is PRAY !!
I will be praying for you and your family. Who knows the Lord could send someone her way that could get her to go to the Doctor. GOD still does Miracles no matter how big or how small our problems are.

Hang in there !!!!

Answer 6

You might be sixteen going on 3yo! You still act just a little baby! You want and want and need similar to a little one! And guess what? You continue to ARE A little one ! Stop looking to be the grownup on this. You are no longer ! I want to say "develop UP"! However your put up screams that you simply nonetheless believe like somewhat youngster. You do what she says unless the time that you may care for your self (which you cannot do! ), move out and then you can have the vigour of option over what you believe is correct and incorrect. Except such time, you do what she says. She's not doing this to hurt you. She's doing this because she thinks it's the right factor to do.

Answer 7

Im so sorry for your mom. My mom has been thru alot 2. My dad died 16 yrs ago of brain &lung cancer. Problems wiyth my siblings and the law, just to name a few. The only thing I could advise you to do is to plan a lunch with her. Just the two of you. Then address the situation at hand, but do not confront her in a offending way. Also, do not blame her or accuse her of this. Instead, tell her how you feel, and what you have observed. Admit to her that you yourself have been depressed in the past, and tell her that together you can help one another. Then ask her if she wants you to go with her to the doctors to seek help. Tell her not to be ashamed, that everyone at one point deals with crisis's at one point, and that it is normal. People that are depressed in their life and feel no way out & that it is best to suffer, really do not think they need help. But they do. She needs to first admit it. God Bless you and your family. Pray for her.

Answer 8

Pray for her. I will. Also, let her know how much you love her. Let your dad know too. Talk to a professional about your feelings. Realize that you are not responsible for another person's feelings or actions. I am sorry for your situation. It sounds as if you love her and are an understanding child. She is blessed in that. I would talk to her, let her know that you care and are trying to understand. Ask what you can do. Ask her!! Maybe if you can spend time with her, slip an unexpected note in the mail, a photo or small surprise, a picnic or movie with her, jsut some time with her, it will help a little. If she is a Christian and those who have passed away were, she will be with them again. Maybe a change would help--talk to your Dad about the possibility of simplifying now that they are older.
Maybe she needs an outlet for her feelings. A journal, a form of exersize. Maybe she needs to feel good about herself. She will have to work it out.
She's lucky you care so much!
God bless you, and good luck with your own pursuits, like school. Good for you! You go!

Answer 9

I'm very sorry to hear about your family's hardships.

Let me start off by suggesting that your Dad,brother,and you sit your mom down and tell her how much you love her and that you understand the stress and sadness that she is feeling inside because you are all feeling and living her pain daily.

Tell her you understand how much she misses and loves her mom because you would feel the same if anything ever happened to her. And then tell her that you miss and love her because the person wife and mom she once was is gone.

Give her examples of what she has done to each of you and things that she has missed out on when it comes to all of you.

Tell her you understand that her dad is very ill and that she wants to spend time with him. And that you can accept this.

But then you need to tell her how she has changed since all the hardships have started.

Tell her that you are all worried that if she keeps going at this rate she is gonna kill herself. And tell her mom maybe we are being selfish to a point but you are still here and still in fair health and we don't want you to die. You are our mom and we want you back.

We want you here for when we get married and have kids. We want our kids to know there grandma.

Tell her you understand about her mom and dad and then throw in the line that you know they would want you to go on with your life and live it to the fulliest because that is what they did while they were in good health.


Then say we realize that you don't want to get help but then express to her how important it is that she does get help.

Tell her that she doesn't have to see a counselor right away or anything like that. But that she should atleast see her family doctor and tell him of her depression so he can prescribe her some medication for the problem.

Tell her she would be surprised at what taking an anti-depressent would do for her.

Tell her she is not alone when it comes to all of her problems. And that you are all there for her. Tell her you want to hear about everything and not to bottle up. By bottling it up she is making herself sick.

Tell her that she could never bother you and you would never turn her away and that you will listen to anything and everything.

Once you have all tried this method I think she will listen and get help. If she doesn't listen the best thing you can do is sit back and let her go. Unless she goes over the edge and really needs help then you dad could sign to have her commited but I would only resort to this if she started to hurt her self physically or anyone else around you physically.


I think just by telling her how much you all love her and explaining to her how her behavior is effecting you all she'll make that change.

She has her blinders on right now and can't see what she is doing to you all. If you all approch her a different times and tell her how you feel she just blows it off because she thinks the rest of you are okay.

That is why it is important that you all do this at the same time. So she can see that she is affecting you all. She won't have an excuse with all of you there.

And another thing if you can't get her to sit down and listen to you all at home plan a nice dinner out at a restaurant. And then talk to her about it there. She'll have no where to go and she won't want to make a seen infront of strangers.

But if you feel it is going that way stop and save it for another day. But, don't stop all together until you guys get her to listen to you. If you have to approch her everyday at the same everyday until she agrees to sit down and listen.

I wish you good luck. I hope that things work out for you and your family. If and when your mom gets help do me a favor and let me know. I hope that this helps you out some.

Answer 10

may be she doesn't feel love and understanding. Try to change the way you treat her. She needs a good rest and understanding. And if she is always irritated and nervous you should consult the doctor i think she has a heart desease. At her age it often happens.and it's very serious. My Mother had this desease. I don't know the term in English. In Russian it's ишемическая болезнь сердца I wish you good luck and peace in the family. My prayers to you all. Irene