Why do some mothers treat their daughters so badly?

Question

My wife has three brothers and is the only girl. She is the second eldest child of the 4. She is in her 20's now, married obviously, is a home owner with a college degree and a career.

Her mother is very hard on her! Nothing she does makes her mom happy. My wife is an overacheiver, she feels she has to be the best at everything to have her mother's approval.

But her mom always has something to say to make her feel like she isn't good enough. Sometimes she seems jealous of her accomplishments too!

Her older brother is an alcoholic, but if my wife drank (which she doesn't) and got drunk then her mother would be disappointed.
Its okay for her brothers to be losers, but she has to be perfect.
She expects so much of my wife, and its impossible to be so the perfect daughter.

Why are some mothers like this with their daughters?

I have heard from other women that this is common.

Answer 1

She's living vicariously trhrough your wife's success

She's probably someone who feels that she hasn't accomplished much in life and doesn't want her daughter to suffer the same fate.

If you wife will take a moment ot understand that making her mother happy is not the recipe for a successful and/or happy life she will be better off.

She needs to accomplish things for herself and not her mother.

Answer 2

Well I think mothers are only hard on their girls because, it is harder to raise a girl than a boy, so they just get in the habit when their girls are young and never stop, that's all easier to say than to live with. I know I'm 38 yrs old, and my mom is the only person in the world that can walk in the room, and in less than a minute, she can have me crying my eyes out. And until a few years ago I would just let her, then I started not reacting, but listening to what she was saying. And I figured out that when she was saying all those hurtful things she was not trying to hurt me, she has just plain and simply forgot how to talk to me as a person.See parents get into real bad habits when we're growing up and sometimes they don't realize what their saying hurts. To her mother she is still a young pup that needs to learn. I'm sure her mother is proud of her she just may not know how to show it. Sometime when it's just you and her mother ask her, then tell her, she should tell her daughter so she'll know, tell her that your wife thinks she's not proud of her, and see what she says. I as a mother of a 21yr old. Would sagest this before you do or say anything else to your wife about her mother. I bet she gets real defensive of her mother when you make those (husband) comments. If so then I'm right and you could just save a mother / daughter relationship.

Answer 3

Maybe it's just the culture difference. I know in my culture, the girls have to take care of everything that involves in the house. Not only that, the girls are also expected to have a decent career and be able to make money and what not. In addition to that, the girls in my culture also have to be perfect mothers and all that. Whereas the guys...well....their job is to make money and have fun. As for your mother-in-law, perhaps she's being very hard on your wife because your mother-in-law wants you have a the "perfect wife" and at the same time, have a "perfect daughter" where she can show off to people.

Answer 4

My mother and her father have this same kind of dysfunctional relationship and it hurts everyone around you. They were able to talk everything over and they have a better relationship because of it. First you and your wife must understand that this is her mothers problem and not your wife's fault! Your wife is killing herself for approval and love from her mother and until your mother in law can change, this will not stop. Sadly, you must stand up and stop this cycle and tell your mother in law she is wrong. Be assertive and stand up for what you and your wife believe to be right. It might take some time too, things like this don't happen over night but I wish you the best of luck with this situation. Strive for healthy relationships and realize you can't change a person. You seem to be bright so I'm sure your family will overcome this battle.

Remember This is your mother in law's problem! I know that this affects your family but this needs to be brought out in the open and talked about between your wife and her mother.

Answer 5

Yes, my Mother was this way. I think Mothers want their daughters to be a "better" then they were at that age. But, it's also a "catch 22" because in so doing this, Mothers also become jealous of their daughters' successes and accomplishments. Make sense? Many times, this dynamic will calm down once the daughter hits her mid-20s. If that is not the case with your wife, then I think if she stood up to her Mother and told her to back off, that would initiate what I call the "friendship" phase. :)

Answer 6

My mother had 5 kids in 7 years. I'm the middle child with 2 older sisters and 2 younger brothers. I always thought I had to be perfect because my mother just didn't have time for me growing up. I guess I wanted and needed her approval. Still at age 49 I can't make her happy. My dad recently passed away and we are all mourning but when I went to stay with Mom she still picks on me. Recently my husband told my sister that he can't stand the way my mother treats me, he has never said this to me before and never says a bad thing about anyone. I went to therapy 2 years ago and it was mostly centered around my relationship with my mother. This is the one thing that finally got through to me...."Just because my mother said it was so, doesn't make it". I have had some bouts of low self esteem because of this but I have finally decided that I will just limit my conversations with my mother. After my therapy I stopped calling so much and she has always wondered why. Tell your wife to limit her contact and it will make her happier.

Answer 7

I don't think this is common. I am married as well but my mother was never this hard on me, even when I was a teenager. Maybe it is because she is the only daughter and her mom wants her to be perfect in every shape and form, to prove to herself that she did a good job raising her. It's also possible that HER mother treated her the same way, so she thinks this is the right way to raise kids (even though her "kid" is a grown adult, mothers always like to advise) I think it's wrong though because no one can truly be perfect, but purhaps your mother in law is a perfectionist.

Answer 8

I have two older sisters and a brother. I get the same thing. For some reason they picked me to pick on. I was an overachiver and always trying to get everyones attention to no avail. I tried tried tried. Finally this year my mom got wasted (never drinks) and told me that out of all her kids she always saw me as the best, brightest and ment for something bigger. I think that I tried so much and so hard and felt like I was never good enough. I have abandoned it all now. I do what I want for myself, not to impress anyone but my husband.

Answer 9

I don't think it is just a daughter thing. I think some parents see more of themselves in certain of their children and there for expect and hope for more from them to make up for their own short comings. Her mom probably knows that your wife is an over achiever and knows that by making a certain comments your wife will try even harder to to do even better. To a large degree this problem has to do with your wife and her need to be the best and the need fro approval. She needs to work on being happy with out needing others approval regarding the things she does.

Answer 10

As for me I am a son of the family, I have a very bad experience staying with my mum she always make hurt me bad on feeling , during teenager I didn't have them to get the next level of study, she want me to work on it myself for support it which I still very young, but to get to good steady career and have steady salary to support them, still certificate support many job entries. so I stop study and get a job and now only can help myself with this low pay job and also no choice of staying with them. just because I didn't have money to give her every month, because of not enough money for starting a family for myself in future. She got a very bad temper when she loose of the cool I always claim her down, it always instead of getting her misunderstanding and she will always end up humiliated of me in front their friends around her. Sometime I really think that do they are my parent , or just my mum are actually self center person only think about herself. I just want to move out stay with my future wife coming next 2 years of house coming, far as quickly as possible.