Okay here is the deal i've know my mother in law for 14yrs and she is 80yrs old... But i get the blame for everthing that goes on in our lives.. For example my husband graduated from school she didnt want to go out to dinner with everone after cause she felt she would have to pay.. So we made planes for another time to celebrate..My mom offered to take us out so we went.. The next day she called me and ask what we did and she got mad and said i planned this behind her back i never want to include her in nothing and she not doing anymore holidays or b-days for any of my familey ie being my huband and our children... Then she said we only come around for money and that she should just be feed to shark..Now im the only one out of 4 childern she has that does anything for her . so why does she blame me instead of my husband and this is only the tip of the iceberg ... Can anyone help tell me why? And i havent talked to her in a month since this should i?
2006-09-01 05:40:45 · 34 answers · asked by brutalA 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I have been married for 14 years and going through the very same thing. When I buy here a mothers day gift and my husband will tell her that it was my idea and I did it, she will still only thank him. She has two boys and neither one can remeber those "special days". She blames me when things go wrong no matter what. She has had her back up against me from day one. I was even blamed for my husbands divorce from his first wife and that was six years before I eve met him. And she still refers to me as my husbands current wife.
We no longer go to holiday get to gethers and family dinners. We have told her that until she can show some respect for me as the mother of her only two grandkids and as the wife of her son, she can forget about it. She never wanted to spend time with the kids, even when they were babies and she has told the kids that she dosen't care for me so they don't want to be around her either. I currently refer to her as my "outlaw" not mother-in-law.
Leave her out of it until she can respect you. It may never happen, but your a good person who has spent far too much time trying to make her happy. You cant change her, but you can show her that you don;t have to take this. It's emotional abuse weather or not she likes it.
Stand your ground. If she can't accept that her son could be at fault then she is blind and dumb. I don't care if you paved her way with gold, you would never make her happy or be good enough for her.
You are FAR TOO GOOD for her. Let her do her own thing and you do yours. Enjoy your birthdays and holidays without the added stress from her. You and your husband and your kids are the family now. Focus on yourselfs. Don't call her. She owes you an apology and then some so let her make the first move. Until then, pretend that she has been shipped to the moon and you can not have any communication with her no matter what!
I really and truly feel for you. If you ever need to chat or vent, just email me, I would be glad to listen anytime!
Good Luck Hon and remember, your a GOOD PERSON!! You deserve kudos for that!!!!!!!!!
2006-09-01 05:59:04 · answer #1 · answered by Yvonne D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to your mother in law -she is 80 yrs old and believe me life is to short to let little things get in the way at her age she may not always remember things that she said-I would not let this prevent me from speaking to her. I know you meant well but include her in as many things as possible there are ways to celebrate without making her feel that she has to pay how about a pot luck get together where everyone brings something to her home or have picnic in the park if she is able to go-the sad thing is that out of 4 children you are the only person who does anything for her-she may feel very lonely-don't live to regret not knowing her she is a part of your family -if you were 80 yrs old how would you like to be treated by your family is what I am trying to say-after all someday you may be there too-just think about it.
2006-09-01 05:58:58 · answer #2 · answered by wonderwoman 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not about you honey. She won't let go of the umbilical cord. It's a sad thing to be that old and that bitter. You must be trying to get into heaven on a VIP pass putting up with that for 14 years.
Really, you shouldn't be handling it-your husband has been letting you get hit with her wrath because he doesn't want to, and you don't put your foot down enough. Tell you what. Step back for a moment and let Mama bear have to deal only with her cub. As long as you're not beating the kids or your husband-she should be grateful she's got you! She's gonna be calling you when an emergency comes up and no one else will come to her rescue. Watch and See. You're a good person. Let that month break from her tyrannical *** turn indefinite until she gets the message and treats you a little better. I'll come beat her up if you want me to. :) Good Luck!
2006-09-01 05:58:34 · answer #3 · answered by dct1218 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, this may or may not help:
You are not alone.
This woman comes from a different generation, where the women did not have as much public recognizition of importance as the man, and she will never be able to lose that, at least, not before she dies.
You can do something about it , though.
Simply do not let her effect you. You can't change her, but you can change your reaction to her, by givng her no reaction.
Blank stares into space work for me!!!!
I would not speak with her unless she calls. You owe this woman nothing except the respect of not spitting in her face.
She knows what she's doing, and if it hurts, then do not allow this one woman to control your feelings and emotions. Don't give her that power.
Second, your husband should sstand up for you and tell his mom that if she continues to be an ogre, she is not welcome.
I would not let my kids around a woman like this without me, either.You can't be worrying about what she'll say or do in front of them. it's your job to protect them, just as long as you aren't doing it simply out of spite.
Good Luck.
You could also try having sex on her lawn during the day
2006-09-01 05:52:35 · answer #4 · answered by Fitchurg Girl 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mother in law has problems. First of all she is old which leads me to believe that maybe she has alzhimers or some such thing. Some people tend to get mean when they get old, however if this has been goin on the 14 years of your marriage to her son, then I doubt if her attitude towards you is just old age.
Some people are just mean. Is y our husband a momma's boy? Or was he beforehe married you? Sometimes us women like to hold on to our children, especially if they are our last link to life. By marrying her son, he no longer does for her, he now does for you. He talks with you and does as a husband should, his thoughts should be for you first and then to t he children and t hen to her. Maybe she doesnt like her place in his life, and causing you a problem she may think that he will think you are cruel toi her and come to her rescuse. Believe me, I have seen it done and my mother in law was only 40.
2006-09-01 05:46:40 · answer #5 · answered by Shalamar Rue 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's 80... no need to say more. Don't feed into the drama. Repond to her as kindly as possible and change the subject when she tries to bait you into an arguement.
Obviously you know what she's saying isn't true, so why have a discussion about it or even waste your time and energy feeling bad about it. She has issues..... so don't allow her issues to disturb the peace of your home. Immediately avoid any and all negative conversations. A rule of thumb in dealing with in-laws is to make yourself "unavailable or scarse whenever they (mother/father in law) try to start stuff. If they're unable to get their tongues/attitudes/behaviors in check... you need to excuse yourself graciously from their company immediately.
If you do that enough times... TRUST... they'll get the hint. Continue to live your life and do what you do... If she feels excluded or that you conspired to do something "against" her... OH WELL!!! That's in her mind and that on her. As long as your motive when choosing family acitivities is not to hurt her... and you've done your best... BUMP THAT!... move on. She'll be just fine... Don't allow her to disable you mentally with that kinda drama. If you allow her to do that she'll divide your home and she'll continue.
You should speak with her... however, it should be casual... Like hello, how are you.. how's the weather, our children are doing well, etc. If any type of blame/negative behavior comes from your trying to have this light and fluffy conversation..... make your move... right out the door or off the phone or out the restaurant, etc.. Say to her "excuse me... I really need to leave right now.. do have a good day, will talk to you later.. bub bye"
Or, you can be truly up front and say to her in the most loving and pleasant voice..."I will not be receiving any blame/negative comments today, therefore, if you continue to feel the need to vent/share any more negativity/blame that refers to either my family, me or any subject I don't care to hear about..... I'll need to leave"
Make sure you follow up with the action in your statement... or else it will not be effective.
Guard well the boundaries of your marriage and family life against in-laws and out-laws,(people who seek to destroy as oppose to build up and enrich the family and marriage relationship) because in the end you'll have a much healthier, stronger and unifed family life and marriage.... TRUST!!!!
2006-09-01 06:52:25 · answer #6 · answered by 247 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes Mother-in-laws tend to do be like this especially to their daughters-in-law. Sometimes I feel it's caused by jealousy or lonesomeness. Jealousy because they feel they you took their son and loneliness because they have no one. It's hard I know, I have one myself. Try to get along with her and make the most of it. Realize also that she's an old woman and sometimes when we get old we tend to do weird things. It sounds like you're a great daughter-in-law to help her although she may not give you the satisfaction of knowing YOU will know and for that you'll have a better piece of mind knowing that you always tried to remain civil if not for your husband but for yourself. Best Wishes!!!
2006-09-01 06:01:54 · answer #7 · answered by Yahoo Anwers 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you perhaps marry the baby of the family? I would say to talk to her about your concerned, but it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. If she is mean to you just tell her you don't appreciate the abuse. Let her know you care about her and you not just there for the money as well.
2006-09-01 05:44:50 · answer #8 · answered by summer love 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well this is what i think, she probably raisd her son thinking he is perfect, so now everything he does wrong, she will never be able to father him doing it. because in her eyes he is perfect. you know i am kind of raising my son the same way. i think my son is a angel, although he is right now, when he gets older im sure he going to be horrible, nd what ever gal he marries i feel bad for, because my baby does no wrong. or she can just be scared of him. but i thik that she just thinks that her son is perfect and does no wrong. and she is dirt old, so you cant rally pay her any mind. i bet your husband always thinks he is right!
2006-09-01 05:52:27 · answer #9 · answered by TIFFANY 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is her son, and maybe in her eyes he does no wrong. She makes you the scape goat because its easier to blame you then the thought of it being any of his fault. Be firm and blunt with her. Tell her just how you feel. It is not right for her to treat you like this nor should your husband allow her to treat you like this. Stand up for yourself honey!
2006-09-01 05:46:56 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋