Confused and wondering?

Question

When I was 21 I had to give my second child up for adoption because I was already a single mother of one working two jobs living on my own and paying my own bills ( no state help) The father decided he didn't want to be a father anymore, which is fine I know I did the right thing and I don't regret it because his family is awesome. I am now married had a baby now two, got fixed after her birth. I want to adopt but my feelings are mixed, I want to be able to give a life a second chance but I don't want a baby I want a child who is one or older. I guess my question is I am worried that when my son who was adopted if he ever wishes to contact me. What he might think of me having more children. I am confused. If anyone can tell me what my problem is please tell me because I can't figure it out. I don't know if I am scared and want to save a life for him or did I really go wrong with putting him up for adoption.

Answer 1

First things first, You did the RIGHT thing, you found you couldn't care for your son and gave him to a loving home and made a family complete, which let's face it is a wonderful gift, bless you for that, As your feelings about how he will see things in the future are valid but I feel a bit much, presuming he does later in life decide to search you out, keep in mind many choose not to for various reasons. He will still have gone thru what almost all adoptees go thru, feelings of abandonment and rejection, in NO WAY am I saying this to hurt you It is a cold hard fact and us adoptees cope and move on, It's just something most of us have to deal with....My suggestion to you is write him a letter, write him five...ten....twenty.... tell HIM how you feel right now tell him your story explain why you did what you did and the social worker who handled your adoption will put them in his file so when he turns 18 they will notify him there is material for him in his file......He will be grateful for that I can assure you and I think it maybe cleansing to you as well.
the last point I am going to say is don't try to replace him with another child you shouldn't for many obvious reasons maybe that is way you hesitate to persue the adoption process now....I think you have alot on your plate right now and need to do some serious soul searching...forgive yourself of anything you feel you did wrong and reward yourself for the fact you made it this far doing the best you could.....Good Luck

Answer 2

Kids are HARD. At 19, I had a 1 yr old kid. that was hard but okay in most ways. ( especially 'round holidays) but it was just us. At 21 I got married. If I had gotted preg. again as a single parent, I don't know what I would have done. It's a "what if " situation. But the dad left, two jobs, and alot of other junk. You just wanted a better life for your child, at the time. Now you've grown up, and if he seeks you, explain your reason. Assume the worst, hope for the best, and if he wants; bring he back ( with "HIS" family). It's "Hallmark-ish". but the worst thing is to ignor this part. As for adoptting, "what comes around, goes around". Someone helped you give a better life to your child and you would like to do the same for someone else in your previous sit. or, be in a worst sit. And to give a child a better life, at 1month or19 years , is done out of love not guilt. And if the other parents did right, he should understand. But will have mixed feelings. I hope everyone the best of luck, sweetie.

Answer 3

You did NOT go wrong giving that baby up for adoption. You did the very best thing possible for that little guy and when he's older he'll understand and respect you a great deal for it. I speak from experience....
I don't understand why you got fixed, though. That's beyond me. There's NOTHING wrong with giving up a baby for adoption if you cannot take care of it and the father wants nothing to do with it and then having more children afterwards. Happens ALL the time and is completely normal.
Don't worry about what that baby will think about when he gets older... it's really none of his business anymore what you do with your life.
Just stop fretting about it and I suggest going to a therapist or councelor for some emotional help from that adoption and having more children of your own because it's obvious you haven't had that cleared up yet in your own head and emotions.

good luck to you! Sorry it has to hurt so bad.

Answer 4

I'm quite sure it's hard, but you did the right thing due to the circumstances. Look at the bright side, at least you allowed him and gave him the opportunity to have a good life with a family that could provide the things you couldn't. I'm quite sure he knows he loves you because it takes a real mother to do what's best for her child. If you can, try to contact him and that way you won't feel as bad. You don't have to try to get him back but u both deserve a chance to get to know one another and his siblings deserve to know him. It may be in their best interest. The idea of adopting isn't a bad idea because now you have the finances and stability to give back and it's amazing that you have the heart to do so. I admire you for that because adoption helped you in your time of need and now you're trying to be their for a child that needs a family like the family did for you. Don't be upset with yourself for the decision you made because you were right and GOD will bless you for your efforts and unselfishness. I don't see y you feel like you're wrong because you're not. You were blessed with more children and a better status. It's not like you forgot about him! Hold your head up and do your research on him and on adoption and I wish you the best of luck!!! Always remember that the things that don't kill you only make you stronger and the hardest things in life are usually the best things for you!!!!!

Answer 5

you did what you thought was the best for him and that makes you a really good person but there's no way to tell how he would feel years later. That's something that can go really good or really bad but if you adopt a child , think of it this way , you are doing the same for that child as someone did for yours in your time of need and how bad can that be ?

Answer 6

it sounds like you feel guilty for putting your son up for adoption. Dont beat yourself up to much. If you are in a position to adopt a child and give them a better life than you should.

Answer 7

You took a choice- and gave your son a good home which you wouldnt have been able to offer him at that time. Adopt if you can but self examine your reasons for doing so, guilt shouldnt be your motivating factor.

Answer 8

Your son wouldn't understand it as a child. What do we understand really when we're children? If you want to help someone out just as you were helped then it's admirable and you have nothing to be ashamed of. I think as a man your son will understand why you did as you did.

Answer 9

Don't feel guilty for having more children -- you did what was best at that time in your life. Circumstances have changed; you didn't feel able to have another child at that time...but now you ARE able. So go for it.

Answer 10

tell him your no longer waiting to get right into a relationship yet. Dont enable him stress you into going out with him because of the fact u experience sorry for him or u dont prefer to dissapoint him. If he rather cares approximately you he will comprehend the place your coming from. supply your self greater time and if he nonetheless likes you ask him out. Or tell him you care approximately him too (assmuming you do) and notice if he asks you out.