HELP!! I Take My boyfriends children into my heart and care for them...how do i go about it?

Question

How Should I feel about a boyfriend having kids with a previous girlfriend, and how should i look at them?
My boyfriend was with this girl from a few years, he had one little girl with her and then she became pregnant again right after he left contact with her....this beautiful boy was born today...but we arent even 100% sure than it is my boyfriends...he is just going to take the roll of dad from what i understand.his daughters mothers family are crazy...the dont want him to be happy at all every chance they get they start trouble and they wont let us see her 1/2 the time. they try to physically fight with us. It will be so hard on thses babies all i want to do is protect them. My feeling are very mixed but i really care about him and his daughter already and want to spend a long time with him..but question arise...what if i want children in the next 4 years? How could we afford to help with 2 and have one fulltime...and would he stay around of we did....he seems like it. But i dont know how to deal with these people and this situation...friendle help would be appreciated greatly! :)
What do i think of them as...His kids. our kids...my..?..Their her mothers family dont want them to care about me and their father....they are so beautiful and dont deserve this situation i just dont know what to do...i just want to help it in any way i can...but i'm new to parenting in general i have just decided i want some of my own..and now this...i love him and them...what do i do??? need advice badly.....

Answer 1

Just remember that the children didnt ask for these circumstances in their life. Just treat them as if all is normal when they are with you. Love them with all your heart. THats what they need most. The more loving hands they have raising them, the better they will turn out. Lots of hugs. good luck

Answer 2

Wow, you def. have a complicated situation on your hands. I have been in kind of the same type of situation and all I can tell you is that the kids always come first. Always! You need to be very sure that you love this man and he loves you before you have a role in his kids life. Because it sounds to me like they have been put through alot already and the last thing they need is for there to be more drama with you and your b/f. Also if you decide that this is something that you want to do first consider this. His ex- will always be apart of both of your lives, and that's something that won't change. Make sure that you can handle that b/c believe me it's not easy. It is perfectly o.k. for you to have an active roll in there lives (especially if you and him decide to start your own family) but always remember that they have a mom (even if she may not be a good one) and try not to overstep. Good Luck and if you have any more questions or need more advice you can email me cause I've gone through it already...

Answer 3

First of all, your boyfriend doesnt know if it is his son? A simple paternity test can tell him that. It's non-invasive. Just a swab of the inside of the mouth. Check into it. Regardless of the role he decides to take with this sweet boy, he has a right to know--as does the boy.

As far as you are concerned, approach the children with the same mindset you would when meeting and getting to know anyone, with allowances for their ages of course. Just get to know them and I'm sure you'll be fast friends. You dont need to be anymore for them then that. If it develops into a stronger bond than friendship, that great; but if not, everybody needs friends too.

Regarding your having children later. . . . You're still referring to him as your "boyfriend". Therefore, your question is premature. If he proposes to you sometime in the future, then it is time to sit down and talk to him about it. Ask him if he would welcome more children? Share your feelings and let him be honest with you about his. If he decides he doesnt want anymore, perhaps you two can compromise and agree to have just one child that is both of yours. If he's not game to even that. Take some time, think on it and decide what you want to do: accept it and marry him or kiss him, wish him well, and move on.

About his daughter's mother's family. That is a tough situation and I know from experience that it can have a profound effect on the children. It's not good for them. I dont know enough to advise you more than this, unfortunately, that is to love them as much as possible when you have them, give them what they dont get emotionally and psychologically when they arent with you.

If things get out of hand with their grandparents, you can always report the abuse to CPS (child protective services).

There is also the possiblity that your boyfriend could get full or 1/2 custody if he goes to court. You can check into that. Even if he only succeeds in getting 1/2 custody that will mean the children get a stable environment for half the time. Not as good as all the time which is what they need, I agree; but better than living in a tumult 24/7. When they get older, they'll figure things out for themselves. They'll realize who has their best interest at heart. Who is sane and who is 1 card shy of a deck. Right now, however, until that happens, it's all about damage control.

A child psychologist, which I am not, would give you the best advice. Perhaps, you both should go see one together, explain your concerns and she/ he can advise you how best to save these children. Good luck.

Answer 4

Do not get involved in these childrens life. Unless you marry this guy and become a step mom then you have a little say. These children have a mom how would you feel if someone wanted your children. And as for you wanting kids with this guy. Wait until you are married and feel 100% sure he will stick around. Do you really want all this drama anyway? I would find a man with a clean slate and start a happy drama free family. Is he really worth this?

Answer 5

That is one predictament. If you are really willing to be with this guy, then you have to take on this problem. If he is on child support for his daughter, then he can have the police escort him to pick her up for visitation. As for the son, if she puts him on child support than a blood test can be taken. He might want to get a test anyway just to make sure. As for the ex, she will be after him until she can find a man of her own. You and your boyfriend need to decide how much you are going to take or if he should back off for a few months. Many women use kids as control mechanisms. The kids really shouldn't be around the fighting so letting things cool off for awhile isn't a bad idea. I'm not saying cut the kids off, but maybe call instead of popping over. You can also try to meet up at neutral grounds, like chuck e cheese or something. And if she is trying to fight you, don't be afraid to call the police if you can't open a can of whoop A$$! If you press charges, she will soon realize that you are not to be played with! This will also create a record of how she behaves if you two should try to get custody in the future. As for a baby of your own. If you two are serious then you two can handle it. It will just have to be less money to her and more at home. A better way of handling this is to just buy what his other kids need, that way you can be more flexible about your spending. For example, don't give the ex money for shoes, buy them yourselves and give them to her, that way you know how much you can spend and even better if you catch a sale.

I hopes this helps your situation, and good luck!

Answer 6

There's nothing wrong with you wanting to play a role in these kids' lives, just know that you will have to be very patient, and understanding, and supportive of your man. You're getting into a big, tough issue here. Just be sure it's what you want for the rest of your life. You sound really responsible as you are putting the childrens needs first. Just hope your bf is that way, and he is willing to put you on a pedestal and treat you darn good for sticking by him in his situation. He better appreciate you. Oh, yeah....if you want kids of your own, you should discuss it with him right away, and feel him out. That is something you shouldn't give up if you really want it. I don't care how many step-kids/ BF's kids u raise, there's nothing like having your own!!!!!!! Good luck hon, you need it.

Answer 7

If the family is abusive physically you should get that reported to the police. Those children should not be in that type of home where domestic violence occurs. Do not fight with them if they hit you call police and have them sent to jail. You do not have rights to the kids in this situation. You must be married to the biological parent. Even still you should establish a firm relationship.

Answer 8

first thing is he needs to find out if the the little boy is before he starts to play daddy to this baby. Second thing is that the little girls family is crazy and that's just how some people are. You can't change them, just worry about you, him and that little girl. Continue to love that little girl no matter what. Now about you having a baby.If he left them then what makes you so sure that he will stay with you, not saying that he will leave but you need to wait a little while longer until things are grounded with you two. Hope I helped you out.

Answer 9

My advise is don't date someone you aren't willing to marry. In reverse date him, if you want to marry him.

I have a friend with two kids and she was dating a man with three. She loved him a lot. They got married this summer and now she is very unhappy. When she married him she married the ex wife and kids too. She loves the kids but she is miserable with the ex. The ex is very crazy.

If you do marry him you have the responsibility to love those kids. You have to remember you will never be the mother, but love them anyway. You have to remember that the mother may feed the kids bad info about you, you still have to love them. You have to remember that they may hate you at times, you still have to love them

If you can remember all this and still want to continue the relationship, then power to you :)

Answer 10

These children are not your children. I am sure they are beautiful and wonderful and deserving of good parents, but they already have a mom and it's not you.

I would advise you not to spend time with the children unless and until you are darn sure you are going to marry this guy. Then you will have a legitimate and honorable role in their lives: step-mom. But even then, you're not their real mom, and you have to understand that she will always have more importance and authority in their lives than you, unless she gives up custody to their dad and you.

Personally, I would not volunteer for this situation. If I were in your shoes, I would find a better candidate for husband, one who does not have such a burden. The fact that he had these two children out of wedlock shows that he does not take responsibility for his own actions. This is not a good thing in a husband.

I'm sure that when you marry, you will want to focus your resources on your own children. This will never be possible with this man. Plus, if you married this guy, you would be interfering with his main responsibility right now--his two biological children. He will spend even less time with them. He needs to make taking care of these children his first priority in life; they even get priority over you. Kids don't do well when their dad has moved on to another wife and had more children. So I see your moral obligation as leaving him alone so he can focus full-time on the family he already made. Fortunately, this is also the best thing you can do for yourself.

Answer 11

Remember there is only one set of parents.Being helpful is fine,but trying to be a parent,could be taken in the wrong context ,by all.Let him work it out, or they could cut you from seeing the child at all.Unfortunately the courts ,will not see it your way.I have to deal with these situations everyday.It will be like this ,through the whole relationship.Good luck,to you.