question on my mothers relation to friends (sorry really really long)?

Question

I have been diagnosed depressed since 8th grade (11th now) when I began cutting. Told ma and pa after I started. A few times in my life (once about 5th grade) i told mom that i felt like dieing. when i would tell her this she would say she wasn't worried (did she think I was fakeing ?) & never bring it up again. I thought that she didn’t believe me (she has also been diagnosed, don't know how severe it is though) or that she didn’t want to face it (she is supportive in that she doesn’t get mad but not in that she really helps). I stumbled upon & read a letter she composed on the comp to Eldon (prev was my shrink until i was ready to stop [yeah right]), is now my ltl bros, & i believe he is now kates (moms friend) shrink. It read that kate was recently having problems with her new hubby. she has depressed & feels like she can’t love him again. I am sympathetic (&know I shouldn’t have read it). What moms doing is nice, but I have to think cause she never did that for me. When I told her I wanted to DIE she never brought it up again but kate is upset and the world ends. She is often at her house (even before kates issues she was over there) she is there about once a day (while I am at school, but also when I’m home). I get jealous (I get almost no good time with my mom) so I said something in the car (been holding it in) about how she is often over there, & made it obvious I was upset. mom said Kate has problems and that she was helping her (& keeping an eye on her, which she didn’t really do with me). I said that me, dad, Bob (kates hubby), & my sibs all really notice how much time they spend together. She said dad has been devoted to helping kate, & she said that as a kid she spent lot of time with her friends. I said she is NOT a kid anymore and that she has resonsibilites, she said she wouldn’t stop. sounds like I’m whining but i’ve told I want to die & I’ve said how I feel like cutting at times & my probs with friends. Never brings it up, & these are big to me. But when kates upset, my mom runs over. I read recently in a psych book that you shouldn’t give happy pills to a kid (I’m 16) w/out therapy or sometin, or keeping tabs on them, & you should distribute their meds to them. I’m on welbutrin (tried 2 kinds b4) & I dose myself, she only checks if I start acting mad & stuff. I alter my dose ( 3 to 2 to 3 pills) 2 try and feel better. I have been taking meds over a month (hard cause I hate feeling numb when I’m on pills) & yet I’ve been really depressed. I can’t talk to mom (nothing productive happens) & don’t mention friends (thnk I’m weak). My Q’s are am I selfish for being upset about ma & kate? Should I tell someone how I feel? Who? should I ignore this or talk to mom? I can & have been dealing w/ this sorta thing a while (yrs), & I get good times but often not (I’m mostly depressed or numb), but I’m tired of this & wanna get better for good (or atleast now). Nothing seems to work & I’m getting desperate. Plz help Thnx for reading =)

Answer 1

wow. how frustrating that your mom just doesn't seem to get it. i understand completely...i'm in my 20's now, but when i was younger and dealing with depression, my mom ignored it. even when i asked for help. in my case, it wasn't that she didn't love me or didn't care. it was that she didn't know what to do. i guess she thought that ignoring it would make it go away. she too was depressed (still is and has been pretty much all of her life). i think that, because she dealt with depression on a regular basis, she thought it was "normal." she didn't think what i was going through was anything "unusual," i guess.

also, sometimes parents have a hard time acknowledging that their child is dealing with depression or any other kind of mental issue. some are afraid that if they take their child to counseling, the therapist is gonna think they are a bad parent.

your mama may have an easier time dealing with kate, because she can be more objective with her friend. i definitely understand why you would be jealous or feel resentment.

being a teenager is hard enough without having to deal with depression on top of it. you deserve to get the help you need. sometimes parents just don't have the answers and don't know what to do.

first, take a deep breath. know you are not alone and there is help out there for you.

second, it isn't wise to be increasing your dose of welbutrin on your own to make yourself feel better. you need to do this only under the guidance of a physician/psychiatrist. messing around with your meds will only make it worse.

third, talk to someone. i suggest talking to your guidance counselor at your school. he/she should have resources to point you in the right direction.

good for you for recognizing you need help. if you get on the right track and take care of this early, it will make your adult years a lot easier.

Answer 2

Sounds like you're on the wrong med. Wellbutrin should NOT make you feel numb. Or it could be that "adjusting your dose" has put you under the effective dosage for you (watch out, "adjusting your dose" is one of the ways your depression can sabotage you while sounding perfectly reasonable). You sound depressed - lots of negative words in that post - "no, nothing, never..."

I would think that if it's been a while since you said you wanted to die, and gotten better since then, maybe she's guilty and this is her way to correct it, after the fact.

As for therapy, definitely pick up a copy of "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David D. Burns.

And don't worry about your mom. As soon as you're out on your own, you'll get more attention than you'd ever want.

Answer 3

Hi Sarah,

Wow, sounds like you are having a hard time. I don't think you are being selfish at all. You are at a tough stage in life, and you need support from people who have more life experience than you have so far.It sounds like you are really trying to make a change in your situation, and that is wonderful. You know, it is impossible for anyone but your mom to know what is going on in her head, why she is so devoted to Kate, and why she isn't giving you the time you need. You can try talking to her, but don't count on changing her. Try to find someone else you can talk to--your dad, a school counselor, a teacher you trust. Even if you are nervous about approaching them, it is always nice to have someone listen and to share their knowledge with you. You should definitely be seeing someone professional about your meds--especially since some antidepressants are known to increase thoughts of suicide in minors. What you are feeling is not unusual for girls your age, and it will not last forever. Even though sometimes it seems to stand still, time always changes things. I had four or five friends who went through the same thing (thoughts of suicide, cutting and all) when I was your age, and every single one of them is leading a happy, successful life now and is surrounded by people who love them.

In addition to talking to someone, there are other things that can help you feel better. Take care of your body and it will improve your mood and perspective on life. Exercise increases your seratonin uptake, which regulates your mood--this is the exact same thing that antidepressants are supposed to do and doesn't have any side-effects. Even daily walks will make you feel better if you are not doing it now. You could even look into taking some sort of class--dance, yoga, pilates, anything. Make sure you drink enough water and eat lots of fruits and veggies--sodas and junk food act as sludge in your system and over time slow everything down, including bringing your mood down, because they rob you of important nutrients. Avoid spending too much time watching TV or on the computer--they don't replace human interaction which is important to feeling good about life. Take up a hobby to fill that time--photography, music, writing, art, anything creative. Don't worry hon, you won't feel so bad forever. The time will pass much faster than you think. Take care,

ML