Does our problem kid deserve a brithday?

Question

We caught him drinking/smoking pot/ditching class/huffing inhalants in the past 2 months, 2 of those things in the past week. He's my girlfriends brother, and we have custody cause his family has problems, and we're only 22 yrs old. He's turning 16 next week and has wanted an iPod, does he get anything at all? Also, he worked for a bit and has a paycheck, should he get to buy himself things with the money? I'm pissed and don't think he should get a damn thing, but my gf wants to make his BirthDay special and thinks he deserves his money he worked for. Thoughts?

Answer 1

This is not a simple case of a kid being a spoiled brat. Your girlfriend is in deep denial about his addictions, and the depth of his needs. When drug/alcohol abuse is involved, all rights are given up. He should no longer have privacy or the right to hold money. He deserves to be acknowledged on his birthday, by virtue of his being born. Therefore, a card with some loving words and a cake would suffice. That's all. Please get him help. Don't give him what he WANTS; give him what he NEEDS. You have an obligation to care for him -- and piss him off, in this case. You need to take a stand. He is not well and your actions need to send him this message.

BTW: Minors cannot "own" property. Therefore, anything that is brought under your roof, is *your* property and can be taken away! Teenagers get the message, loud and clear, when you take their bedroom door off, strip their bed down to the mattress and a blanket, and give them the clothes of your choosing until they slowly earn them back. Humbles them, rather quickly. In your case though, he also needs therapy. Doing parenting the *right* way is soooo exhausting.

I'm afraid that the two of you may be in over your heads. This is no way for a young couple to get introduced to parenting. You are cleaning up some other bad parents' mess. I think it would be understandable to let him go to a group home or foster care -- ONLY because he would received the services he needs.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

He deserves the money he worked for without a doubt. Instead of letting him use for whatever he wants tell him he needs to buy his toiletries or school lunch etc.

As far as his bday.. his behavior does not warrent getting an iPod. I would celebrate it in some way. Whether its taking him out to dinner or a cake and a small present just to show him that you/his sis cares. His behavior is only get worse and more defiant as he gets older. Probably stems from problems at home. Have him seek some help maybe with a counselor (all three of you should go to a family counselor). I hope everything works out and this helps some. Take Care

Answer 4

Looks like your hands are full. It's normal to be upset and feel dis-respected. He sounds like he is having a hard time. You did not say why you both have custody but one can assume either his parents passed away or don't want him. In any event that is a difficult thing for a teenager. It sounds as though her family is a bit dysfunctional. Remember you are taking a kid from a bad situation who may need serious counseling and someone really Stearn to set down rules and at the same time, be loving. I think he should get a b-day party or dinner etc. It may show him someone really cares about him. As far as his paycheck....He worked for it...he should be allowed to spend at least some of it and maybe put some away. Just my thought. Good luck

Answer 5

Unfortunately you don't much of a say on this since he is not truly your responsiblity but hers.

I agree he needs puishment and limits and lack of them from poor parenting in the past is why he is acting out and disobeying now.

I suggest a comprimise- agree with your GF he can have a party small though only if she agrees to sit down with you and set limits for hima as well as punishment for breaking rules.

Take the time to actually write up house rules and expectations of behavior and consequences for breaking the posted house rules. Once you two agree on the rules and punishment take the list to the child and sit him down and explain that this is your home and there will be rules. Make sure you tell him you are setting these limits because you care and because if he wants to suceed later in life he needs to understand rules and the consequence of breaking them.

He will probably rebel at first and get worse but stick to the list and post it where everyone can see it. Being consistent is key, don't bend or break the rules to suit a bad day etc.

Good luck at 16 he is probably set in his ways a bit but I have seen other parents who got custody late in a kids life trimuph after long battles by staying consistent in the rules game!

Answer 6

Yes, do something for his birthday. Maybe an iPod is a bit much but something will let him know you care. He's probably doing these things (smoking pot, drinking, ditching school) to get attention. I don't know how long you have had custody of him but you should build some kind of rapore with him, to let him know you care and that you're here for him. Putting a small birthday party together will show him you care and in turn with other small gestures like this, he may turn his life around.

Answer 7

I don't think he deserves you guys getting him anything. He needs to earn every bit he gets. If hes working then he should be able to buy him self things that he needs but also help he should help out with the house needs because he does sleep and eat there. So his sister needs to be a little more tough on him and not baby him. He's almost an adult and should start behaving like one. Shut ! If he's doing all that junkie stuff he's not a kid who doesn't know what he's doing.

Answer 8

the kid sounds like he needs to learn how to act he probably has not had much stability and structure so far he needs to learn how to be responsible and productive he should be made responsible to buy the things he need and not just use his money for fun your girlfriend just wants to show her brother love no matter what but in the long run your not doing him any good. I know it sounds tough but I say no way to the birthday party

Answer 9

If he earned the money it's his let him spend it.. could all this "acting out" be cause by the family problems? and i don't know a single teenager who hasn't done the same things i dd it when i was a teen i grew out of it. But all this does not mean you don't give the boy a birthday that's just wrong.

Answer 10

NO..u shouldn't buy him NOTHING out of your money and shouldn't give him nothing for his birthday. BUT the money he worked for...you don't have anything to do with that so you can't take his money...think about it...if you messed up someone isnt going to take your paycheck..that doesn't make any sense.
Also, he isn't doing drugs to get attention from ya'll...he is trying to be cool with his friends...thats really the main reason kids do drugs...limit his friends if you want him to stop using