What do you think of a family member regularly giving ultimatums?

Question

I have a family member who consistantly gives others ultimatums. If she doesn't like what someone else is doing or saying, her response is always something like "You need to do (something differently) or I will (some demand or action that will not solve the problem)." It seems to me that there is no way to have a conversation with her that addresses uncomfortable issues without it being bogged down in her demands before she'll speak to you. The latest thing is that she is demanding that everyone behaves the way she wants, or she's not coming to a family function. How do you handle someone like this?

The family function thing is an extreme example. Other examples are her refusing yesterday to speak to my father unless he quite literally stood a certain distance from her.

Answer 1

This is a way of manipulating others to do things - as you say. If and when she gets away with it the way she probably does, - you guys say to yourself; "of course - we try to please her, that way she is satisfied" or "- that way she quiets down a bit". Hush, hush. This is what she knows - and this is how she'll continue to act. She knows you do your best to please her, og to ease the situation.

If you want to see a change in action, you must decide to change your own action first of all. She will not change her way as long as she gets what she wants.

You can change by telling her straight to her face - very nice and polite. When you say ..... (example) ... this makes me/us feel manipulated. - this makes you feel you don't have a choise. - this makes you feel bogged down....... tell her how you feel. No matter how she defends herself, you stick to your version - simple and clean. Do not get into arguements.

You can also change your behaviour towars her. Tell her "no, this is not what I'll do. If you cannot handle it, then don't." "If the consequence is you will not attend - then don't." I think this is answering her with her own treatment - and she'll learn twice the speed, because - as you said; bogged down.

Of course the more people in your family that do the same thing; the more efficient the "treatment" gets. The only sertain thing in this matter is; if you continue to do what you do - please her demands - she will go on. Probably she will develop new issues every year...

Good luck

Answer 2

Not knowing exactly who this family member is (mother, sister, etc.) makes it difficult to answer. But, lets say its a sibling. Sounds to me like someone is used to having their way all the time. Personally, I'd tell them to take a long walk off a short pier. I would do the complete opposite of what they want just to prove a point that you are not going to be dictated to. If she doesn't want to go to this family function, just give a big WOOHOO shout out. Ask her if thats a promise. Then you can always turn the tables on her. Have everyone start doing the same thing back to her, eventually she might get the message. But if you continue to cater to these "ultimatums" which is nothing short of "demands" then it will continue. You have to put your foot down. If she's gonna do this if you do that, say fine, if you do that then I'm gonna do THIS. One up her.

Answer 3

You should all stop giving into her demands and letting her feel like the queen bee. If you don't agree with her, let her know it...turn your back on her and walk away. Don't stand there and try to argue with a belligerent person who's demanding to control the situation. That only makes you as ignorant as her...So what if she throws a fit or refuses to go to a family function. Who cares. Let her know that life and the family are going to go on in spite of her childish behavior and if she wants to be an active participant in family life she needs to mature and change her ways or it's good riddance...See how she likes that ultimatum. She can come around to the families way of thinking or she can be left alone and have all of her demands met.

Answer 4

It would help if I knew what relation she was to you . But I'll do my best with the information I do have . It sounds like this person needs lessons in listening , and in manners . I would try ignoring her , even if she is screaming . I'd get this glazed over look on my face , then pause , pretend to come out of a trance and say very quietly oh , did you say something ? It will get her attention without starting a screaming match .{ that never works } I would treat her as if she can not phase me every time I was around her . Tell the whole family to try the same thing . I Promise you once every one refuses to fight back she will loose her momentum , and maybe even back off all together !

Answer 5

Don't you watch the "Dog Whisperer"? She continues to do so because it works. She trained you and you are a good learner. You and everyone around her knuckle under.

Don't let her bully you any longer. The next time she makes an ultimatum, call her bluff and tell her her that you'll miss her company and you hope that she has a good time at home. You really can teach an old dog new tricks.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Depending on your closeness to this person, tell her to go with her ultimatum and not bother you anymore with them. If she can not have everything let her threaten away and when she stops getting everybody to do what she wants all the time she will stop making demands with ultimatums. As for the distance or she won't talk that is where she is comfortable she should not have her comfortable space invaded. It goes two ways.

Answer 7

From the way it sounds, the family function would be more enjoyable without her presence. Let her stay home. She's the one alienating herself from her family with this behavior. Maybe you should all get together and do somewhat of an "intervention" and let her know how ridiculous she's behaving. Don't give into her demands. It sounds like she's used to getting her way. You guys shouldn't enable her like that.

Answer 8

Intimidation is an attempt to frighten or overawe by speaking or acting in a dominating manner, often with the goal of making a person or people do what the intimidator wants.
Like all behavioral traits it exists in greater or lesser manifestation in each individual person over time, but may be a more significant compensatory behavior for some as opposed to others.
Intimidation may be employed consciously or unconsciously, and a percentage of people who employ it consciously may do so as the result of rationalized notions of its appropriateness, utility or self-empowerment.
Intimidation may be manifested in such manner as physical threat, glowering countenance, emotional manipulation, verbal abuse, purposeful embarrassment and/or actual physical assault.
Actually it is a compensatory behavior which requires a intervention of the mental health expert to change.

Answer 9

She definitely has Control Issues, maybe she is going through Menopause.....ask her to seek a Doctor, or Therapy, if she gives you a hard time about that....stand at attention and salute the next time she speaks...she might get the idea...or not.
Maybe the Family function is bothering her, and she is acting aggressive because she really does not want to go, call her bluff...leave her at home.

Answer 10

I would tell her then dont go. Cant make everyone happy can you. Do that in other situations also. She will get the pic soon. She cant always have her way. That's what I did to my mother when she said she wouldn't go to my sons first birthday party if my father went.. I said whatever, invited my dad. She ended up coming and having a grate time.