How do I tell my dad?

Question

I am dating a black man and he just resently asked me to marry him. My dad and I don't get along very well and havent talked to him in years. He is a racist man and doesnt believe in interratial relationships. i want to tell him becuase i want him to be at my wedding but i dont want drama. i want my brother to walk me down the ailse not my dad. should i tell him about being engaged to him? should i invite him? what do i do if he causes problems? i love my fiance and what my dad says will upset him and i dont want him to get hurt.

Answer 1

Tricky. I would tell him, but perhaps not with your fiance there. I know that sounds bad but it might inflame the situation. You can tell him that this is the man you love and this is how it is going to be. He may not want to be at your wedding, be prepared for that. Do you really want him there, because even if he doesn't cause trouble, you are going to worry that he might and that will spoil your day. Who nows, he might have a sudden, unexpected change of heart and get along famously with your fiance. You won't know if you don't tell him. Maybe you could tell him you don't mind if he does not want to come, and choose your ushers carefully and warn them about the tensity of the situation. I'm afraid that racism is born of ignorance and while some can change when they emerge from this state, I have found the majority to be ignorant because they don't want to be any other way. I hope this is not the case with your father, but you don't sound hopeful about it. I feel for you, and good luck. And of course, congratulations!

Answer 2

OOPS! This is a problem, but honey, this is suppose to be your most happiest time in your life so far. So, let's see, you are marrying a black man, and you father is racist. Haven't spoke to Dad in years, why start now....You want him at the wedding, ok, I know you do, but are you willing to risk your fiancee's feelings. Because that's the chance you are taking if Dad's going to say something or show up and make a show. Do you know anyone that your Dad has stayed in contact with? Say he still talks to your Aunt, ask your Aunt's opinion, and see if Dad's attitude has changed or I hope not, worsen. He could be a KKK member now. Or, as I pray, he's found peace in his heart for his fellow man, and it wouldn't bother him at all, if you love this man.

Ask around, get a little clue, and test the waters...If you find out positive changes in your Dad, then write him a nice long letter. Tell all about your life and your groom to be life, tell you are getting married, and you would like him to be a quest, mention that your brother will be walking down the aisle, and tell all the whys you fell in love with this particular man, how he treats you, what a good future you have together, how he makes you feel....then tell your Dad is black. Then ask him, while reading the letter wasn't he so excited and happy for you that you found such a good man and you will be taken care of physically, mentally, and financially....then say he just so happens to be black..ask him if he can accept your decision that you are marrying this man of your dreams, and he would like to meet him please attend my happiest day. Tell him flat out Daddy, if you can't accept this and keep the all the negativity away from us then I think it would be better that you don't come. Daddy, I am so sorry you can't see past his color, but I am a grown woman, and this is my decision to make..I was just hoping that you could be a part of it....

I am so hoping that your dad doesn't make the biggest mistake of his life by letting his own feelings get in the way of your happiness.

God bless us all........................

Answer 3

Share your fears with your fiance. He will have encountered predjudice before and it's best if he is prepared. Plus he may offer you some valuable advice as to how to deal with racists. Call and tell your dad you are getting married on the phone. Tell him about your fiance before you've told him when or where the wedding will be, so if he reacts badly he cannot just show up & cause a problem. Explain to him that you would like this to be a new beginning for you both and you need to take it slow. Tell him your brother has always been there for you and you think your brother would be hurt if you didn't ask him to give you away - say to your dad that you know he will understand.

Answer 4

Very difficult as you sound like you love them both very much. Try approaching your Dad first, as this will test the water and you can see his reaction. Remind him this is what you want and you love them both, if he loves you he will come round as long as he has time to. If not hit him hard and go together the support of your man being there will show you are serious and this is going to happen. There will be a row it is enevitable if he feels this strong but brace it honey he will calm down.... Tell your man so he can prepare. Invite him to your wedding it shows you are the bigger of the two you never know when he has thought about it an sees it is happening he may calm down and come with a smile on his face. Good luck either way you are in a tough position..... Though my friends had a multi racial family wedding the families didn't like it, they now have two beauiful children and are very very happy. No families are perfect my grandmother nearly ruined mine........Long story, take care and the best to both of you

Answer 5

Truly- i would sit down and examine the wedding in itself, the challenges that you will face once married, the pros and cons of an interracial marriage and examine your families (and his) family values. Once you do that you can truly make up your mind on if you are going to go through with the wedding or not.

I am not for it personally, but i will not down a person who is. If that is what you want- why fight it? And your fathers opinion, and presence at and about your wedding should matter the least. All that really matters is that you are mentally ready for the marriage and will be able to offer your new husband everything that a wife should. you should be able to connect with him mentally, CULTURALLY, spiritually and financially.

What you want in this case is what matters the most, not what everyone here or everyone around you says. It is your choice, and if you father cant accept that, then so be it.

And if your brother has to walk you down the aisle because your father refused to- so be it- it just shows who is the bigger man there.

Good luck and congratulations...

Answer 6

You really do need to tell him but what he has to remember his he can't live your life for you. What you believe and what he believes is two different things. I would sit him down but without your fiance because he doesn't need to be here for this meeting and tell your dad how you feel and tell him you want him to meet and until he does you don't want him to make a judgment.

Or you can do the other thing. Tell your dad you have a boyfriend and that you are really fond of him and you would really like the two of them to meet then have a reservation at a restaurant. Then the two of you go and meet your dad there this way your dad can't be but so mean because he is at a restaurant this will give your fiance time to introduce himself.

Good luck with your situation I would invite him to you wedding though!

Answer 7

If you really love this man you have to be aware that you may lose the relationship with your dad. It's a choice between the man you love and your dad. I'm sure that your partner has heard all the nasty racist remarks before so I think he will be prepared if you have made him aware of how your dad feels about black people. My advice is to stick to your man and tell your dad together. If he doesnt like it, go ahead with your life on your own. I have been without my dad since I was 18 and I am now 36 with a family of my own. I have never regretted it.

Answer 8

First off, congratulations on your engagement. That's great news.

In answer to your question, it depends if you think if deep down your dad wants to see his daughter happy. If that's the case, there's hope and you should definitely try your best to sit down with him and tell him about your plans and how happy you have been with your fiancee.

It may even help taking your husband (prewarning what could happen and to stay calm whatever happens) but it's amazing how much people can hate an idea but when faced with a 'face' and a human being it can change the way people feel.

Good luck and hope it works out for the best.

-Oli

Answer 9

Yes you should tell him, don't however expect him to be happy or to attend.. If he does decide to attend assign trusted relatives to be on dad patrol, thier job is to wisk dad away from the wedding/reception at the first sign of trouble should any arise...

Talk to your fiance tell him exactly what your fears regarding your father are... You will probably be pleasently surprised when your fiance doesn't feel hurt but rather feels protective of you and doesn't want you to be hurt..

If you can set up a micro management for the possible dad issue prior to the event it should all go off without a hitch (except for you and your fiance getting hitched)

Answer 10

If you have not talk to him in years then why now? If you love this man a want a pleasant time during the preparation for your wedding and that special day then do not tell your father. Have your brother walk you down the aisle that day and forget inviting or telling your dad...