Who has the the say on whether to have kids in a marriage and if they disagree should they divorce?

Question

I found this debate over the internet and I am intrigued. I know the typical answer is that the married couple has to agree to have a baby, but what if they can't reach an agreement. What if they agreed before getting married and suddenly one changed his/her mind. I know somebody is going to say go to a marriage counselor, but also assume that they did and still couldn't agree. Let us assume that the relationship they currently are in is stable, loving, and can support kids financially and time wise. Is this disagreement worthy as a basis of divorce? Can one side truly just declare whether the couple as a whole should/shouldn't have kids? It takes two to create a baby. Is the weight of judgement really equal between the husband and wife in this decision? Please answer with serious consideration of the questions I pose.

Answer 1

Well, if the arguement is that serious to both parties, then yes, they should divorce. Irrconciliable (sp) differences is a divorce option for a reason, and baby/no baby is a big difference. No one should ever be forced to be a parent, even though it happens. If you force someone against their will to become a parent, my guess is there would be some resentment against the baby. It's an interesting question, but remember the word used when a woman gets preggers and "traps" a man. Trapped is not a word I would want associated with my marriage.

Answer 2

Marriage is a commitment between two loving individuals to spend the rest of their lives together in harmony. Having children, who decides when to have children, how many children, number of boys and girls, all depends on the culture of the couple. Some marriages are culture based.

Let us assume it’s a just marriage with a problem of having children minus the culture.
Plans before marriage can change, because plans made at a given time cannot be implemented at a different time. Time changes with people and situations. And we are dealing with life!

If even one partner in the marriage is not ready for a baby it is good to wait; because it is healthy for the baby, good for the couple and health of the family. When you have entered into matrimony you have also entered into a relationship of give and take. You are aware that decisions will be made on a balance where both parties are involved. Best Marriages thrive when both are given equal importance on issues that are common to the couple. You say there is love and stability, then why is there no communication between the couples to find out what the fears are?

It is easy to break than to learn how to bond. The person who has brought this out surely wants to have a baby; it is good to sort out the fears, difficulties, shortfalls, maturity of the partners involved. If a baby is had with this mental health how can the baby be nurtured? All the negative feelings can be communicated to the baby if one is not prepared.

You promised to be with each other till death or did you say divorce?

Answer 3

Well, assuming all the things you said were taken care of prior to marraige and after the wedding there was counselling and if neither partner is willing to sacrifice their decision, then yes that is grounds for divorce.

I have friends that have been engaged now for 7 years. There's been no marraige cause he doesn't want any, she does and she hears her biological clock ticking. Can't see there ever being an actual wedding either as both as quite pig headed about a baby. This has caused so many problems between them I've yet to figure out why they are still together except they both must love to fight.

And it is up to both people in a marraige whether or not a baby is brought into this world. If it's the woman not wanting one, it really won't happen and it is her body afterall. If it's the woman wanting one, but hubby don't want one, then it's up to him to provide the ultimate of protection (condoms, etc.) cause many woman will get pregnant despite the decision of a man.

This is a question that only a person in the actual relationship fighting this fight can answer. What would I do? I don't know and I don't think too many people would. It's a question of what sacrifices for your spouse you are willing to make to keep them happy whether or not that includes a child.

Answer 4

If the husband adamantly declares after their marriage that he doesn't want to have children his spouse can either accept this decision or call for a divorce lawyer, assuming that she can't persuade him. Visa versa.

If the wife is already pregnant, he can't do much to stop her from having the baby if that is what she wants, unless he is willing to take extreme measures and risk the possibility of jail, which does happen in some marriages.

One side can decide whether they can have a baby or not but I doubt that the marriage will last very long if this decision puts them at odds with each other.

Answer 5

To have or not to have children is a very serious issue in a marriage that should be discussed prior to tying the knot. Once agreed upon whether it is yes or no, it is considered as a part of a legal contract that can be used in court as basis for divorce. It doesn't matter if either one changes their mind one way or another. I wouldn't marry someone who wants children cause I know I don't and if I said I did it would fall into false pretenses. Hope this helps.

Answer 6

This is a very good question and since marriage is considered in society to be an equal partnership in theory it causes a great delima. I don't think anyone having sex ultimately gets to choose since I don't think that conception is totally/completely in the hands of mankind (plenty of babies have been conceived and born in scientifically impossible situations).

The woman can choose all manner of things to keep from getting pregnant without her husband's knowledge: IUD, birth control pills, morning after pill (now) so men are at the mercy of women unfortunately. There really isn't a lot a man can do if the woman says no and their really isn't a lot a man can do if the woman wants a baby and the man does not (I've heard of women poking holes in condoms, pretending to take birth control, etc.).

So all the screaming, "It's a woman's choice" to have a baby as it relates to abortion applies to bringing a baby to term too, it seems. Ideally it would be a joint decision, but we don't live in an ideal world do we?

Grounds for divorce? Only if it was part of your pre-nup or vows: "until death do us part, or you changing your mind about having a baby". Otherwise, you are stuck with what you promised at your wedding ceremony and if you want a baby and your spouse does not, this is the "in good times and bad" part of marriage.

Answer 7

This happened to my brother. His wife said when they were married that she was fine with having kids. 5 years later she finally came clean and said she was not going to have any kids. They were separated a couple months later.

They are divorced now and he is getting remarried.

In fact at some point she actually said she would (after they had separated) have a baby. But at that point it is too late, then she will always have bad feelings.

Never have a baby to save a relationship women! Geez, it only makes things worse.

Having kids is a VERY important subject to most people and can very easily break up a marriage.

Answer 8

if you love the person you can give them time to see if they can change their mind

the only thing is, you are right, the decision is equal, half and half. and you dont want to bring a child into a home where one parent may resent it.

i think that it is grounds for divorce. its a major lifestyle difference. My aunt was married to this guy for 20 years before she left him because he wouldnt have a kid with her. She got remarried and now has a one year old daughter who is very beautiful. shes the most happiest that ive ever seen her.

the thing is if you cant come to an agreement about such a huge issue, one of you will never be happy. you will be like my aunt, unhappy in a relationship for 20 years. it depends on how important it is to YOU. dont waste your life and your happiness on someone else, even if that person is your spouse. Life is too short to live by someone elses specifications.

Yes, its grounds for divorce. Dont threaten, obviously. You cant use a child as a bargaining chip to make someone stay with you or threaten to leave unless they have a child.

You havet to have a healthy, agreeable environment. Otherwise this wont work out.

Answer 9

I don't think it's basis of divorce, but they should respect each other over the main descision before getting married. However should one want a child after marriage then it is up to both to sit down and discuss it. Should no resolution be made, then they should debate the situation. The one with the most reasons to or not to should win. Just say there was a accident, like condom break, hormone change, ect.. and she gets pregnant, to late it has already happened and they both should live with the consequences.

Answer 10

Ideally all of this should have been discussed before marriage, which according to your premise, it was. You then pose the notion that after the union was established someone changed their position on the issue. If they changed it without consulting their spouse, without a compelling medical reason barring childbirth, and no opportunity for compromise on that issue then, yes that would be grounds for dissolving that marriage. This doesn't mean they would, but they would have a legal basis for doing so if they sought to pursue it. Marriage is a spiritual union, but it is also a legally binding contractual agreement. Changing terms in mid-stream without adequate discussion or mutual consent is a breach of terms upon which that agreement was established.