How to make it easyer for him...?

Question

It's about starting days in kindergarden. He is almost 4, and before we go he becomes very serious, once or twice will say that he doesn't want to go to kindergarden very worried, goes to the toilet for 3 times at least before we go, he is acting as he's going to a life-depending math exam. He said to me today: "I'm afraid." He is screaming when I'm leaving the kindergarden. There is another way for him to spend at least the morning, but I thought that kindergarden will prepare him for school. Also, he has a tough character by birth, and it was not suitable to take him to kindergarden earlier - when he was 2 or 3. I talk to him very comforting, but his anxiety is the same. Today is the fourth day.

To avoid misunderstandings: I live in Europe, so maybe in USA this would mean daycare or preschool. Here, people usually take their 2 yrs old children to "kindergarden" for the first time. So I was already criticized that I'm late and I spoil him. Still, I can't imagine the shock of a 2 year old child out of anything familiar. But 4, I thought he could manage....

Answer 1

He is still young... and it has only been 4 days! Keep taking him back to preschool (kindergarten). It may take as long as a month for him to get used to the idea of being away from you. I've been a preschool teacher (in the US) for 14 years, and I've even had one child (who had special needs) take as long as 3 months of daily crying, but eventually- they all get used to having periods of being away from their parents. I know it can be as hard on you when you leave them as it is on them, but I promise- it will get easier for both of you the more experience you have with the situation. The worst thing you could do is take him out of kindergarten... you'd perpetuate a cycle where he thinks you will "save" him from circumstances he finds difficult. This not only causes a problem for you (now you can't go anywhere without him), but it causes him to feel as if being independent is too scary. Children of all ages (and even adults) can suffer separation anxiety... so this is completely normal, and actually means that he is progressing developmentally on track- it means you have done your job bonding to your son, and he misses you. The pre-school age is the perfect time for your son to hone such skills as social (learning to play with other children), fine motor (for later writing), large motor (all that running, climbing and jumping), and emotional (learning to deal with being without mom). Give it another couple of weeks, and I bet you'll see a huge improvement in his separation. You can always call and ask the teacher how he is doing during the day, or ask her to take photos of your child having fun. We do this at our center, then e-mail the pictures to our parents to show them what their child did during the day (after the parent left with the child crying) to show them that they didn't spend the whole day crying. I think it helps make everyone feel better. Stick it out, mom.... he'll be fine! Lots of luck!

Answer 2

I live in the USA and my son has been going to a daycare/learning center since he was 20 months old. When we first started taking him he had the problems with his anxiety and he would be completely upset and crying and screaming as we walked out the door. Each day that we left him there it got to be a shorter and shorter time that he cried. By the end of the 2nd week he was fine. Every now and then if he did not feel good he would be upset and cry but for the most part he did extremely well. I suggest if you can to sit outside the class where your child cannot see you and just watch and see how the teacher interacts with the children and see if maybe there is a problem there. Children seem to be an excellent judge of character.

Answer 3

Older isn't always better. The difference being that by four, the kids that started socializing in a 'class' setting at 2 already have 2 years experience. They know the routine: Mom leaves, we play and learn, Mom comes back.

They've also had 2 years to learn how to make friends, how to share, how to expect the other children to behave - and how they 'should' respond to that behavior (IE: if that kid took your toy, ask for it back, don't throw yourself on the floor and scream until you're red in the face).

So your son, while being well bonded to you, is trying to learn all these 'new' ideas that some of the other kids already know. He may feel confused, uncertain of what to do, and excluded until he makes some friends.

Take him 15- 20 minutes early and let him play outside before the class starts. He might make a few friends or start to recognize kids from his class and want to play with them. You will be near to help him along with that.

When it's time to go inside - let him go. Get in and get out. Don't loiter or drag out your departure. It will only increase his anxiety about your impending 'abandonment'.

Perhaps let him bring a small toy or keepsake with him in his pocket. A bit of blanket, a piece of moms robe - to keep him connected to home.

Finally, don't say 'bye'. Say 'see you later' or 'see you in awhile'.
They take that better.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

First of all you have to conform with your son's needs.It's kindergarten,not school,so everything there should be conformed to children at such age.First of all it's your own attitude to the problem.If you feel guilt or you are worried because of leaving your son in kindergarten,the kid will feel that and will try to manipulate you to leave him at home.So,you have to be sure that is the right decision.Second,you have to talk with the child and find out if something bothers him in kindergarten(I think so).Maybe he doesn't like some of the teachers there or the kids are being rude with him.Or he cannot find friends.Try to find out what bothers him and with A LOT of patience,talk about that with your son.There could be a lot of problems and if in the end nothing gets better,you might consider a baby-sitter.

Answer 5

Oh man.. that's rough. Good luck. Do you have any other frinds with kids his age or a year older? Take him over there to play. Tell him (for now) that scholl is a great fun wonderful place where you can color and play with paints and meet new friends and oh they have the coolest playground and that you wish you could go play on it. I don't know what else to offer you but good luck.

Answer 6

almost 4 is not suitable for kindergarten. Kindergarten should be almost 5 or better still 5. Try sending him to preschool first where it would be more fun for them. Then when it comes to kindergarten he will probably be more excited.

Answer 7

"almost 4" sounds awfully young for kindergarten. He'll only be your baby once...don't rush it.

Try a part-time preschool setting, or better yet, look for separation classes in your area.

Answer 8

oh i know that feeling i was the pain in my mom's butt when i first started goin to school i would even make myself throw up. The best thing to do is keep taking him. i know it sounds mean n nasty but my mom did it with me and she even set up playdates after school so that i would get more comfotable with the kids in my class and after a few weeks of school i was runing out the door. i'd try the playdate thing if you have time. try meeting up with some of the parents either be4 or after school to see if any of them would be interested in doing that