how to handle selfish in-laws? Am I the one with the problem?

Question

Hello,

My wife and I changed jobs and locations to help my mother in law after her husband died. My mil is a very weak person, has low self esteem and confidence. Well, its time for my wife and I to go back home to our family and home (our kids are adults). The problem is this. SInce we want to go home, we are getting verbally attacked by the yougest three who are within ten minutes of my mil. They feel we are abandoning there mother. They are all female and suffer the same self esteem confidence problems that my mil has (but of course, would not admit that to themselves, that takes confidence). There are 7 other siblings, 1 out of state. Our experence over the last two years as been that the oldest 2 and the yougest three have done very little to support us during this time. Now that we want to go, they feel that it would be too much interuption to their families and are trying to guilt my wife into staying. For the momemnt, she is resisting. What to do about these borish people?

Answer 1

Ignore them... If they feel by whining you will take care of their mother for them relieving them of any responsibility in having to do it themselves, they will continue to whine....

If they get it that it won't work they will eventually stop...

Answer 2

The death of a spouse is a very traumatic experience. If the deceased handled all matters of income, expenses and etc., the one left behind is overwhelmed by these new responsibilities. After having a "soulmate" for a time and to be left without that person is debilitating to say the least. To be alone with one's own thoughts and loneliness can lead to depression or in some, it wakes them up to a new life. Be that as it may, I feel that the your wife's siblings are adament that you both stay with the mother in law because they don't want the responsibility to cope with her themselves or that they may feel you and your wife have done an outstanding job and can't compete. Afterall, they have lives of their own and they may even have dependant children at home and may think that spending time with your mother in law will be disruptive to the family life as they know it. For whatever reason, some people are not "strong" enough to care for someone who is suffering because they simply don't know what to do or say and how to help. Being that your children are grown, I'm sure they feel as if you are the prime candidates to remain with your mother in law.

I know this is unfair and because you and your wife have given up your way of life to assist, you are feeling resentful and this is not good. But I will tell you this, you guys need a break. Right now, you are having negative feelings toward others and if you don't break away, you and your wife will suffer. Go home and tend to your own lives. Your mother in law will be fine. It is time for the others to intervene in her behalf. The worst is over and what is left for them to do, is manageable.

About the borish people, just tell them your work and that of you wife is done. You are going home. You love them all and wish them the very best. The storm has subsided and life must go on.

Good luck.

Answer 3

you and your wife have done more than was expected... tell everyone to screw off. If they live within minutes of your MIL there is no reason for your guys to stay. Except they might have to dish out time and money. They are controlling your lives and you should make them stop. Just go back home and let them deal with the rest

Answer 4

Your wife and her family need to share the burden otherwise it will be a burden for you and your wife!! Tell the other siblings its their turn and walk away. You need to make sure that the life you will continue to live into the future with your own family survives- and as bad as it sounds , it should and can survive longer than the MIL

Answer 5

Stand up to them. Tell them that your mil is a stronger lady than they think and she will be fine. If not they are close by and if anything happens then you and your wife will be back. But for now, you have your own lives with your own children and it's time to get back to that. The best thing for them to do is to respect you. If they can't then tell them you are sorry for them and wish them well, and still leave.

Answer 6

You've done your part. It's someone else's turn now. Just do what you feel is good for you and your wife. The other siblings aren't being fair to you. Your lives have been interrupted long enough. They shouldn't be so selfish. Go on and live your lives.

Answer 7

Yes your in-laws are selfish. They should take equal responsibility to help with their mother. Especially those that live close by. If your life is elsewhere, that's where you belong. It's was nice of you and your wife to help, but you've got your lives to tend to. If your mother in-law is still physically fit enough to live by herself, than those who are close by shouldn't be too put out to help her. If she's not physically able to live on her own. Then someones has to live with her or she should be in a nursing home. Maybe faced with losing any and all of her assets to a nursing home will make those close by take some responsibility and help out.

Answer 8

Let the whiner take care of her. You have to live your own lives. Just go. There are enough of her kids to step in and help. It shouldn't just fall on you and your wife's shoulders. You did your best and should not feel guilty.

Answer 9

You know.... there is a time to help and a time to think about you and your wife first. I think you should enjoy your own life with your wife and let the other ladies take care of old gradma. That's that way it is.....

Answer 10

Of course they're whining. If you leave then they have to feel guilty for not giving up their lives to help her the way you have. Stick to your guns and go. Your wife needs to please YOU more than she pleases her siblings, because YOU are her family, the rest is just extended family.