I am supporting my new partner through alot of his past crap, ie sueing his ex, lots of pictures of his ex, websites...etc. i understand his need to cherish the past, that he has alot of fond memories and have no intention of errasing it. but he does have very fixed views, if i question a desition of his regarding the whole ex thing he get very deffensive, doesnt talk and even just says "thats how its staying and thats that!". Even when i have told him how something is upseting me he refuses to budge an inch, he wants things his way, how it was befor we met......its difficult because he is so lovely in everyother way, he cooks dinners, does little romantic gestures........but will not bend his view in anyother way, no matter how unreasonable and upsetting he sees hes being. I need a gentle approach to get him to loosen up, aprecate how much i am supporting him, that i wont hurt him like his ex did and to take my feelings and opinion into consideration when making desitions.
2006-08-31 02:22:48 · 17 answers · asked by idelves 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Supporting him in his past crap is one thing, but to play second fiddle is another. I don't care how wonderful he is in other area's. He needs you to sit some guide lines and stick with them. Sit him down and tell him how you feel and that you are not going to put up with this any longer. Honey is not showing you any signs of respect. Teach him to either treat you better or move on. Life is too short to be with someone who is not willing to meet you in the middle.
YOU DESERVE BETTER
2006-08-31 02:33:53 · answer #1 · answered by cinson1999 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think he probably started hi relationship with you before he was ready.
It seems that he does genuinely care for you.
I think you have already let him know that it hurts your feelings, but you may want to broach the subject differently this time. You can't ask him to get rid of it. You can't even seem like that's your intention. You can say that you understand how important these items are, and that you would never ask him to get rid of them. Tell him that you would prefer that the items be placed and kept somewhere that isn't out in the open for you to see daily.
Of course he gets defensive if he thinks you are trying to control him, or that you are accusing him of something, or if you are implying that the items should hold no importance.
This is your issue. He'll get over this when he's ready to. You need to visit yourself and figure out what your insecurity is really based on, and deal with that. Pictures can do no harm.
You mentioned that you are supporting him through a lot of past crap. Did you think that you should be able to convince him to ditch the pictures of the witch he used to be with in exchange for being supportive now? Are you resenting the time, patience, and effort you've put into this? Do you feel like you should have gotten something in return? If that is the case, you need to alter your plan for the future. Talk to your guy once more, like I said, and then in the future you need to make sure that whatever sacrifices you are making for this guy, or the relationship are given freely, without expectations. Then, you won't be dissappointed when he doesn't, through osmosis, pick up on the hint that you expect some specific reaction for your sacrifices.
Don't do it if it ain't fun.
Good luck
2006-08-31 03:05:55 · answer #2 · answered by niffer's mom 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well it doesn't seem like he is seeing the full reality of things. He is half here and half somewhere else. The only think you can do is talk to him. Tell him you are trying your best to understand his situation and feelings and are trying to help him deal with them in in way you can. You realize that people have pasts, everyone does, and that while it may have been a special time for him, you want a full life with him now. You want your chance and he has to be the one to give it to you. If he wants to move on he has to learn to let go of the bad things and even some of the good things that have happened to him. Tell him the choice is his, that if he can't learn to move on he will never be really happy again. Tell him he has to make this decision at some point in his life and you would like it if he made it to be with you.No matter what he decides, remember that you deserve his full attention and that if he won't give it to you, you can find someone who will. Everyone deals with things in their own way, he may just need more time. After all you say he does for you, he sounds like is at least halfway to where he is going. Good Luck
2006-08-31 02:34:42 · answer #3 · answered by OnE GiRL 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you have a wonderful man in the making. He isn't quite there yet and might not ever get there with you to lean on as a crutch. He hasn't yet gotten over the feelings for his ex and you shouldn't except second place for yourself.
It will not get better unless he puts the past behind him. If he can't do it on his own, perhaps counseling for him or both of you together. You have to decide for yourself what you are willing to except.
Good Luck, this is a tough one.
2006-08-31 02:27:54 · answer #4 · answered by Christina 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
even though he's so wonderful in other ways, you've got to decide if this baggage is worth it. i have been the extremely sensitive and supportive person to the man who was "damaged" more than once, only to later determine that he wasn't treated so badly. rather it was how he chose to blame the other person for the failure of the relationship. what i learned was to look for less relationship damaged people. it takes two to ruin a relationship (with his ex) and two to create a good one (his with you.) if he is still stuck on the old one and unwilling to be sensitive to your very important needs regarding emotionally disconnecting from his ex, i don't see that anything YOU do or don't do will change this.
2006-08-31 02:29:00 · answer #5 · answered by hiddenhotty 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Gal...Take it easy..the past is a past..If he wants to keep the pictures or what and you feel irritated seeing it..kindly ask him to put it away and explain to him how you feel seeing his ex stuff..
Let him know that if you are doing this to him, how will he feel..he will understand since he's a nice guy as you said..
About asking him about his ex, try not to mention unless he ask about yours..I asked my bf about his ex before..he gave the same reason as your bf and behave the same way as your bf..i think this is how most guys are doing..Everyone have past, just think in a gd way that he don't want you to know his past then you can also have a small secret of your past with your ex too...
2006-08-31 02:32:14 · answer #6 · answered by barelyahrie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
run run run run, sounds like hes still stuck on the ex, y would u willingly put ur self through that? if hes not showing u that he care enough to get rid of his past like hes wating on her to come back one day then u need to really move the Fu*K on! that cant be healthy for u, think about it , im sure at times it really piss u off that it makes u think of bad things, love ur self by letting him go dont sound like he loves or like u that much at all. hes not the only guy out there mr.right is wating on u and u wont find him in the guy u have now
2006-08-31 02:29:12 · answer #7 · answered by 1plum 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You describe yourselves as partners, but I don't think he sees it that way. Perhaps you should show him the definition of the word and ask him if he's living up to that definition. If you feel as though he's not going to respond by letting go of the past, then you should definitely rethink your definition of the relationship. Change your perspective of it. Begin referring to him as your lover instead of your partner. If you redefine your relationship, then you will begin expecting less from him. If you still have difficulty handling his obsession with the past, then you should begin looking elsewhere for the support you need.
2006-08-31 02:59:55 · answer #8 · answered by Enough 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
because of the fact which you exact which you have been defining 'love' as agape love, then no, i do no longer think the essence of love is egocentric. Agape love is all approximately unconditional and self-sacrificial love. So, love in which you placed somebody else above your self in terms of value. this might properly be a love that isn't grow to be jealous and could no longer fade if unreciprocated. even nonetheless, agape love is, regrettably, fairly uncommon. human beings are insecure and often egocentric by ability of nature, so unconditional and selfless love is unusual.
2016-11-06 03:32:36 · answer #9 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he has been hurt and your nagging is asking him to open up for what he sees as a why to alow someone into a part of his life that he is not welling to be hurt in .you are doing nothing wrong he is a very sad person .the past must be the past or one can not move forward good luck this is going to take time
2006-08-31 02:27:31 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋