my boyfriend & I had a fight yesterday where I threatened to leave him if he didn't pull his act together (he constantly procrastinates, he says one min he wants to marry me then the next moment he's changed his mind - huge fear of the future & of making decisions) We're christians, wanted to get married from day one (dating just under two yrs) and working towards a stable marriage rlnshp.Last night he said he needed time to think through what we discussed (last night & today) Am seeing him tonight - or was supposed to, i spoke to him earlier when I called him and he decided he didn't want to see me tonight. He was being really abrupt and cold and I don't understand why. His phone's now switched off. Should I just go to his house anyway? We'd arranged to have dinner and he just decided he didn't want to, we'd see each other tomorrow instead...what's going on!? I'm so confused.. :( :(
2006-08-31 02:03:38 · 44 answers · asked by Bridezilla 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
Pray. Ask God for his wisdom. If this is your right match, God will give you peace in your heart, then pray for peace for him. Don't ask us, ask God. Love in Christ.... I'll pray for you, too.
Added:
As far as the threat... you were frusterated. You are human. You made a mistake. Let it go, and pray that he will, too.
2006-08-31 02:13:07 · answer #1 · answered by MotherBear1975 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Give yourself a day to cool down and him a little space to think. If you laid out some heavy stuff on him last night then he might need a breather for a day. If you've been together 2 years then you can handle that.
If he puts you off again though talk to him and make sure he knows how much you care about him and that you wouldn't have said those things if he didn't matter to you. It's because you want him around for the long haul that you'd bother telling him there was a problem right???
I'm a christian too and me and my hubby actually got engaged (without setting a wedding date because I was still in school) in November 1994 after dating 1 1/2 years. We called it off 2 years later. We never separated (not even for a day) We just weren't on the right path to get married and I felt wearing the ring was a joke. We both grew up a bit and got re-engaged on New Year's Eve 2001. We were married a year later on New Year's Eve 2002 and have recently had a baby.
See? It may take some time, but if it's meant to be it'll all work out.
Good Luck!
2006-08-31 02:18:32 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Some guys get scared when they realise they are about to make a commitment then they go all over the place and are not constant about anything. He has just realise he is making a big decision about his future. Half of him wants to get married, the other half thinks it is too serious.
He is not really being adult about this or he would decide what he wanted and be consistent, and the end result is you are being messed about. So, you are going to have to be adult. The following is my suggestion. Give him space to think, let him know you are there for him, play it cool. When he does eventually come round ask him how he is and give him a cup of tea and wait until he mentions it. If it takes a long time for him to mention it (IE days) then you mention it. When you start to discuss you future explain that you would like some consistency 'cos it is uncomfortable if he changes his mind. Then, it is up to you. If the inconstancy goes on and on you may need a break from each other, or you may need to find someone new. Good luck.
2006-08-31 02:57:00 · answer #3 · answered by tinkerbell34 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is not ready to marry anyone; you are pushing him toward marriage. You say you wanted to get married from day one, and that you are working towards a stable marriage relationship. You also said you "threatened to leave him if he didn't pull his act together". This sounds to me like you have put the cart before the horse. Instead of dating and getting to know each other, and letting a stable relationship build in its own time, you met, decided that you were going to work towards getting married, and then tried to build a relationship on that basis,
You want to get married, he is not yet ready. This does not mean that he does not care for you, but it does mean that he is feeling pressure. Rather than letting the relationship grow and mature, you have decided that you are going to drag him (kicking and screaming if need be) into a happily ever after marriage!
He needs time to think, and decide what he wants. He needs some time alone, without you calling and continuing to try pressure him. He said that he did not want to see you tonight. He has turned off his phone to get away from you pressuring him.
You cannot convince or force someone to get married, and expect the marriage to be a good one. He needs to make the choice in his own time, and on his own terms. If he allows you to pressure him into the marriage, there is not a good basis to move forward. There will always be some resentment about it. He may not show it, but it will always be there just below the surface!
If you love him (and in your question the word love never appeared) you need to allow the relationship to grow at its own pace. Marriage is a lifetime partnership, and if he is not ready to commit to it yet, give him the time he needs to decide!!
If you are not willing to do that, you are not going to be happy in the marriage either, because he will not magically change just because there is a ring on your finger!
2006-08-31 02:47:20 · answer #4 · answered by fire4511 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This is probably been building up for awhile now. I would just leave him alone and let him have his space.
You said what you needed to say; you threatened to leave him for God's sakes. How do you call that love? That's not love!
Helping him get more organized so he doesnt' procrastinate is love. Helping him through the decision making process is love - threatening to leave him is not love.
If I were him I would seriously question how you could even say you loved me in the first place. Love is devotion. Love is dedication.
Either go down with the ship, or jump off if you think it's sinking. Don't threaten to jump off then try to play all nice like you're still a member of the crew. I'd make you walk the plank for that.
2006-08-31 02:09:57 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Leave him alone. Sounds like you both need some space. See how you feel tomorrow and if he hasn't got in touch then you try to get him. If he still doesn't answer - he knows you have been trying to get him. Is there a chance he finds it difficult making decisions because he's put under pressure a wee bit? Sounds as if this has built up and he has just exploded. You can't pressure someone into being with you, they have to want to.
2006-08-31 02:13:39 · answer #6 · answered by rondavous 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ignore 99% of the responses here. These people who are advising you don't know who you are and cannot determine what action you should take.
Give him some space if he needs it. However difficult that might be. If you love him you'll give him the space he needs and the time he needs.
This is a test for your relationship. If you love each other then you will get through it. Unconditional love is what you need for a successful marriage. That means accepting each other for your strengths and your shortfalls.
Love is the Answer.
(From an Atheist)
2006-08-31 02:51:48 · answer #7 · answered by Henry 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The worst thing to do is to put pressureon him to marry you. If he loves you he will when he's ready - whether that's next week or in 10 years. He probably needs some space to think about what HE wants. Give him some space and time to think things through. If he decides you are the one, then he will come to you.
2006-08-31 02:09:47 · answer #8 · answered by kezstar 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I assume that you do love him and do want to marry him...
Maybe post (or put through his letter box) a card saying sorry for threatening to leave him, explain how you feel, and what you want from the relationship and in the future. Tell him that you do want to talk to him, but more importantly listen to him and understand how he feels. Tell him that you do love him and want to get married TO HIM one day, but don't want to put pressure on him, and you're happy to do it when it's right for both of you.
Getting married is a bit commitment to anyone - even if you have spoken about it from day one. There is the danger that he got swept along with your enthusiasm and only now is starting to consider all the implications of getting married, feeling under pressure etc.
As long as you keep talking/ listening you should be able to sort things out.
Good luck. (sorry if I'm being naïve)
2006-08-31 02:22:19 · answer #9 · answered by Mike 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
definately wait and let him call you. Then, cancell on him once and let him see how it feels. He may ask you to marry him right after that if he just wants to be the pursuer instead of you going after him. Or, you might break-up if he really isn't into you as much as he should be. Either way, you'll find out where your relationship stands. If he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you, you are better off without him wasteing your time.
2006-08-31 02:20:37 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't know how old you are but he sounds young. This is too immature sort of behavior to expect a lifetime commitment from him. Please put this relationship on hold for your own sanity. You said you're a Christian, so use this time to grow closer to God and no one else, learn who you are in Him, and He will lead you to someone beyond your imagination. Please seek the Lord in this. It doesn't have the markings of a healthy relationship.
Of course, one fight, one side of the story, we could be wrong. But I'm thinking jump.
ADDED
I forgot part of the equation... Aristotle has a very valid point. Threatening to leave someone ISN'T love, it's "practicing divorce" which shows immaturity on your part as well. Either he is the one, or he isn't. If he is, you NEVER threaten to leave, and you never leave. You are family. If he isn't, get the h- out.
2006-08-31 02:10:12 · answer #11 · answered by ©2007 answers by missy 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋