is it perfectly logical that parents who abuse their children have also been abused by their parents?

Question

The reality is that, most parents who abuse their children were also abused as children. its not so easy as learning from our parents mistakes because our emotional psyche does not work that efficiently and children aren't equipped to think that way.

Answer 1

That's how the cycle is said to work. The abused become the abusers.

Answer 2

While what you are saying is true to a certain extent, it is not always the case.

Many people who were abused go on to be abusive parents, but most don't.

I was an abused child and the experience made me very aware that children are human beings that deserve and require respect and dignity. Sure it took a while and at times I made mistakes in parenting, but no one is perfect. I remember clearly thinking as a child, "when I have kids I will never treat them this way. So your sweeping generalization about our emotional psyche and the way children are equipped to think may not be so all inclusive as you think.

A mark of a good parent is not that they never make a mistake, but how quickly they recognize their mistakes apologize for them and make the necessary corrections.

This is also the indicator of how a good human being behaves.

Love and blessings
don

Answer 3

Yes, it is perfectly logical. The child learns that that's how relationships work. They don't learn how a non-abusive relationship works. Therefore when they grow up, they are only capable of having abusive relationships, because that's all they've learned how to do. Often they will (subconsciously) avoid people with whom they can't have this type of relationship. This is why abused women so often have a series of abusive relationships - they are actually attracted to abusers, even if to begin with they are completely unaware at a conscious level that the new man will turn out like this.

Alternatively, and especially with children, they have to switch roles because the other person is not capable of being the abuser. But this is still easier for them than having a non-abusive relationship, because they know how it works, even if they learned it from the other perspective.

Answer 4

OK. First you are correct that abuse is usually a vicious cycle. However, there comes a point in one's life when you must look around and take stock of your situation. If you have friends who are not abused, or know adults who do not abuse their children, then perhaps you should come to realize that abuse is not or should not be the norm and promptly go get some counceling so that you will be better equipped to handle your own children when they come along. The cycle can be stopped, but it takes work and support from people who will help you to understand the difference between discipline and out right abuse.

Answer 5

I agree with you to an extent. In some cases, these early imprints leave such deep-seated 'wounds', that the program may be set for life.
Despite attempts by people to overcome these wounds, the pattern has been set in place and can be triggered when they have their own children. That's why it is important that if the family of origin has been severely dysfunctional, that one considers very carefully whether or not to have children and to seek help from all available sources before doing so. Although the same abuse may not be repeated (such as sexual abuse) there will generalised difficulties that may have an effect on the next generation.
It is possible to repair oneself, but it takes time, depending on the severity of the abuse.
Dee and Paul S have made a very good point as well.

Answer 6

I dont think that it should be perfectly logical but it does seem to be the case. However, I dont think it is across the board as such as some kids when they become parents want to make sure that their kids have a better childhood than they did. However, I do believe that some parents, when they are confronted by authorities about abusing their children they are very quick to point out that they were abused as kids so it is almost ok for them to become the abuser. there are many parents out there that have had horrible childhoods for one reason or another but do make great compassionate parents. Also there are quite a few who have had great childhoods but dont give a damn about their kids because they are so wrapped up in themselves

Answer 7

I think there is some truth to that, the problem is the definition of abuse. Christians who follow the Bible do not see spanking as abuse, in fact the Bible teaches that those who do not spank their children are the abusive ones. It is extremely devastating to a child not to have limits put on them as they grow up and when I am in the grocery store and see an uncontrollable child who is not disciplined I feel very bad about that child. I think the damage that is done in that child by that age is irreparable.
Children who are abused could well end up abusive and children who are lovingly spanked could end up lovingly spanking their children, it does work that way to some extent.
As an example ask yourself the question, has abuse of children increased in the last 40 years as the amount of spanking in our society has decreased.
There are many more factors in this issue, but this is a major one.

Answer 8

Sorry but I take exception to this!
I was in a relationship with someone who had suffered terrible abuse throughout their childhood - sexual and physical, as a parent they could not be faulted and they actually suffered because of this belief that abused become abuser!
Likewise, I know a social worker who works in the field of child protection - also abused as a child.
In the course of my work I've come across abuser's from 'good' backgrounds.
Sweeping generalisations do no-one any good!

Answer 9

The opposite is exactly as logical. It makes perfect sense that people who were abused as children would be the last people in the world to abuse their children.

In fact I do not believe that it's true that "most parents who abuse their children were also abused as children". I could be wrong about that, but I believe that the actual statistic is that people who abuse their children were more likely than non-abusers to have been abused as children. That's a very different thing, and in fact there are plenty of abused children who grow up to be non-abusers, and of non-abused children who grow up to be abusers.

The notion of a "cycle of abuse" is not nearly as profound - or as true - as people like to make it out to be.

Answer 10

You are right that we learn a lot from our parents. Statistic does say that those who are abuse as kids are more likely to abuse. But to use that excuse is cheat. Since it is ultimately the person to make the choice and shows to do it or not.

I know it can be done since I was abuse as a kid and I would not put another kids thru that.

Answer 11

There is evidence that what you are saying is correct but I would have thought that if you knew what abuse was at first hand surely you would want something better for your children and try and work through this, wouldn't you?