Our eighteen year old daughter will not adhere to midnight household curfew. What are our options?

Question

Our daughter has started college and is evoking her adult privliges with us, wanting to stay untill two or three in the morning. She then calls off work and is short of cash to meet her few financial obligations. We do not want to "kick her out", as she has nowhere to stay, but do not seem to see any other solution.

Answer 1

This may be a time for "tough love". If she is short of cash, don't give her any, if she falls behind on bills, let her know the way out is by following the rules. If all else fails, you may have to put her out, as hard as that will be. Hang in there, it's kind of like the "Terrible Twos", but with more ways to get in trouble.

Answer 2

I hate to say it, but the only option may be to give her an unlitmatum: either adhere to your rules, or leave. I know it's harsh, but if insisits on evoking her "adult privileges" of staying out late, tell her she can evoke her "adult privilege" of moving out and living on her own. Do you have any younger children in the house? Maybe explain that when she comes home at such a late hour, it wakes up everyone, and some people cannot just call off work in the morning, and the kids (if there are any otehrs in the house) can't do well in school. Tell her she needs to have this respect for you.

Also, try telling her that you will not bail her out of any financial situations anymore. Explain that you think that you're enabling her to keep calling off work and be irresponsible, and you think maybe it's time for her to move out. When she protests - ask her what she thinks a good solution would be. I was living with my father when I started college, and while I did obey all his rules, I also had the same problem with the financial stuff. I was spending more than I should have been, and finally my father said he wasn't going to help me anymore. It was probably the best thing he could have done for me. I know that if I had hit a real problem with something, he would have helped me anyway, but once I got it in my head that he wasn't there to help me anymore financially, I started working more and spending less.

I know that college can be a difficult time, but since your daughter is under your roof, she also has to respect you and your rules.

I hope at least some of this helps. Good Luck with your daughter.

Answer 3

If she wants to evoke her adult "privliges" Have her sign a lease and pay rent, this is the real world. She wants to be an adult she has to act like one and take responsablity for her actions. She's short of cash? To bad, she made the choice to spend too much. Sit her down and tell her she has every right to be an adult, now lets talk about how to budget and plan for the future. Give her the acnowledgement that, yes, she is an adult. This is what the adult world looks like, BILLS!

Answer 4

Have her start paying "rent" for staying home if she wants to be an adult. Make it something that she can afford $50-100 per month. Allow her to make it from different checks but let her know that you must have the amount within a month. Have her help out with house chores... dusting, cleaning, laundry, vaccuum, and yard work. Show her that being an adult is not all fun and games and that an adult has real responsibilities.

With the money that she is paying for "rent" save it for her, but do not let her know. Keep it in an envelope or even a separate account for her. That way when she actually does decide to move out she has a "start up" fund.

That way you will be teaching her now, but also helping her when she actually does decide to become an adult and go out on her own.

Answer 5

She's testing you to see how far she can push before you break. Even when they're 18 and you think they will hate it, they still like to kow that Mom and Dad care enough to care when they get home. The fact that she's pulling a double wham on you is really quite ballsy - so not only stick to the curfew (although I agree with someone else who said 1:00 is probably more reasonable) but demand that she maintain a "B" average and shows up on time for work and doesn't get fired. I know from experience that this is the hardest you'll do as a mom (and you thought letting her cry to sleep 17 1/2 years ago was bad!) but you do have to be tough, otherwise she will be a spoiled beyotch, and is kind of acting like one now!

Answer 6

I was 18 not too very long ago, so I can see this from an 18 year old’s perspective and, now that I’ve finished school, I’m able to see what I put my parents through. Your best bet is to compromise. By that I mean let her stay out all night if she so chooses but also cut off financial support. I don't mean let her starve or kick her out, but make sure that she's the one paying her bills and tuition. When I turned 18, I was wild and stayed out all night and was your all around slacker. I thought I was physically and financially indestructible. My parents stopped helping me pay my bills and I had to settle down. I paid for my own education and learned that I took college much more seriously since it was on my dime. I graduated with honors and I’m doing ok. Most importantly, my parents and I are close. If you coddle her now, you'll regret it. Let her learn on her own and maybe even fail a bit. You'll both be better off for it in the end.

Answer 7

ok shes eighteen so basically a young adult - teenagers can be so grown up one moment then need mummy the next often behaving like two year olds - tantrums etc and as with two year olds ignore.
I would sit her down and tell her that you are going to treat her like an adult and as an adult she can go out till 2-3 in the morning but she will also have to ensure that her other commitments are also met like study ,work, and financial commitments.
If she wishes to move that's fine but if she wishes to remain then she will pay board this could be monetary or chores.

Then the most powerful statement a teenager can hear from their parent " I trust you to make the right decision"

I am sure if you did this she would have to bear the total consequences for her actions and decisions - good or bad

Answer 8

What happens when your daughter can't meet her financial obligations? Do you help her pay off her debts?

A solution would be to stop helping her meet financial obligations when she is short on cash. She will learn that she is responsible for her own finances, and in order to pay her debts she must work -- which means waking up for work -- which means going to sleep at a normal hour.
So long as you help her with her financial problems, she has no need to learn this important lesson.

And if you are NOT paying off her debts, then there is nothing to worry about. She IS an adult, and she made the decision to accrue these debts, and she will have to figure out how to pay them off.
Learning these things is part of growing up, and people learn best through experience.

To sum up: if you are paying her debts, stop doing so.
If you are not paying her debts, leave it be. She will eventually learn the consequences of coming home late.

Answer 9

Time for tough love. You need to tell her adult privileges require adult responsibility. You can give her one of the following options. If you are old enough to stay out all night, you are old enough to pay your own expenses and rent. Then tell her she can start paying you X amount per week or she has X amount of time to get her own place. Or (this is what my mom did to my sis) tell her I am changing the locks. This door will be locked at midnight whether you are here or not. Then you have to follow through. You don't want her to be dependent on you forever.

Answer 10

She is acting like this because YOU are letting her do it! There is an old saying, "No one can take advantage of you unless you let them do it". It is still YOUR house and you have every right to establish your rules. If she does not like your rules, tough, that's life. When she has her own house and is paying the rent, utilities, etc, then she can make her own rules. Midnight is a very reasonable curfew. Tell that if she can be home by midnight, don't bother coming home at all. It's time she started acting like an adult.