How do you know if your girlfriend has cheated on you or been raped?

Question

im 27yrs old and have had a girlfriend for 3 1/2 yrs now and she told me she was raped by a guy in college and told me details of the horrifing experince but did not tell me about it for another year after and she said she was afraid to tell me about it because she thought that i would think she had cheated on me and break up with her. shes really a shy type and does not have alot of friends to talk with. she told me not to tell anyone about it because she does not want the feeling of being blamed. she also told me she was molested by her uncle when she was little and nothing was done about it. can these things be connected too. iv been also feeling like im a victim and this has affected me mentally i don't know what to do or who to talk to iv just about lost my mine and im afraid if i talk to a profesional she will get mad or never talk to me ever again.... what should i do or do u think she really got raped? i dont know anymore im connfussed please help me

Answer 1

Been through virtually the identical situation, though I was 19-20.

As you've described it, her story is 100% credible.

What you've got to decide is whether you love her, or simply love using her for your own selfish purposes.

If you elect the former, you've got the best girlfriend anyone could ever hope for: she's trusted you with information that she considers personally devastating.

Of course, how you proceed will be a challenge: you want her healed from the harm she suffered, and the tendency for a guy is to try to rush things along. We want resolution *now* -- but women handle their problems differently, and they are affected by their problems differently.

When I was 19-20, I related to the difficulty faced by my then-fiancee because I had been raped when I was a boy (even though I couldn't tell her about that).

She had been molested as a child and, I believe, raped -- but my need to solve her problem made me a jerk (even though I thought I was doing and saying the right things).

I couldn't then appreciate that she needed to reveal things at her own pace, and I couldn't imagine that she was actually a lot closer to wellness than was I.

Ultimately, the relationship failed, and she ended up with a series of men that abused her pretty much constantly for the next 15-20 years.

When last I saw her, she looked unbelievably bad -- even considering all I knew about what had happened to her. I pitied her, but I was no longer in love with her.

Sometime in my late 20s, I told my best friend what had happened to me, and following much discussion and prayer, ultimately put it behind me.

When I was 34, I enjoyed a brief marriage to a beautiful woman that had once been institutionalized for mental illness (note to self: don't repeat that mistake).

She had also been married just over 9.5 years and had 2 boys by her ex hubby (a 2 yo not yet speaking or potty trained, but who ran like the wind; and a 5 yo with ADHD already taking the max adult dosage of ritalin).

And she had been abused by 2 different stepdads, was apparently the child victim of an interracial gang rape, and had a host of other psychological and spiritual scars.

Except for having been raped as a child, I was a virgin when I married her; nevertheless, I apparently was pretty good at sex: she told *everyone* and tried to set me up with all her girlfriends and her mom (but, strangely, wouldn't trust her sister around me).

In the end, I think she got bad advice from someone, who apparently told her that the reason I had such great stamina was because she wasn't doing something right.

(FWIW: it's virtually impossible for a guy to "climax" when he knows so much is dependent on the outcome -- no pun intended.)

That her suspicions were false, and that I tried diligently to dispel her fears, did not matter: she sought additional experience outside our marriage in an effort to improve her technique (but she wouldn't consider counseling).

Being then a right-wing nutcase, I divorced her (not for adultery per se, which I found easy to forgive because she was at first repentant, but for her eventual ultimatum).

Strangely, I probably wouldn't then (and definitely wouldn't now) have had a problem with renegotiating our marriage covenant, so that ours became an open marriage -- but I completely rejected the idea of it being a unilateral determination.

Sex and love have virtually nothing to do with each other. If you and she are sexually active with each other, you can rest assured that it is because she loves you. If you're a good lover, that's just a bonus; if you're not, it doesn't matter -- because she lover you.

If you're not having sex with each other, don't sweat it. She loves you. If you avoid being a jerk to her, she will eventually give you her body -- but from everything you wrote, it's obvious to me that she's already given you her heart.

Answer 2

Both of you need profesional help.
It seems to me like she really got rapped. And if after a year she finally let it out it's probably because it's still afecting her. If indeed, she had been molested, when little, by an uncle and nobody did a thing for her after she let it out, it's more likely that she thought that been a woman, nobody will care either or that she would be blamed for it. You say she's shy so this didn't help too much either. There's a lot of reasons why she should see a pro.

About you, this, as you say it's driving you crazy, indeed it doesn't let u fell comfortable around your relationship. It seems to me like u really love your girlfriend (if not you wouldn't be feeling like this).

Sit and tell her nicely that u both need to talk with a pro, not necesarily together, (she needs her space to talk about it). That u care about her but u feel like u don't have all the resorces to help her and to help u feeling better about the whole situation. Remember, she has kept it for herself, alone, for a year!!!! If you're feeling like your loosing your mind imagine how bad must she's been feeling all this time.

Answer 3

I am really confused...how is It that you feel that you can be a victim from what has happened to her? Were you molested? Were you raped? It seems to me that you just don't trust her. Whats worst is that you have no empathy for her and what she has gone through...all you're thinking about is yourself. She even went futhur into her life and tole you something that she has been living with since childhood.
She finally got up the courage and confided in you and you just turned into s**t. What a shame! She didn't have to tell you anything, Why would she make up a story with such drastic shameful consequences...after having held it within for so long and suffered internally?

Do you really care for this woman or are you just another shallow immature person who is incapable of sensitivity and stand up character?

Why don't you sit down and find out who you are and if you are capable of giving her the understanding and support she needs. I can easily see why she waited so long to reveal her pain to you. Somehow she must have suspected what you are made of.

Answer 4

so your girlfriend claims to have been molested as a child, raped in college, and her personality, being the shy type, tends to support such a past; in response, you suspect she may have instead cheated on YOU, and feel YOU are the victim.

The better question is whether you love her, or whether you love yourself more - for all the crap that went on in her life, you're pretty self-centered considering the evidence you present. consider that what she told you was the truth - that she was raped - are you angered for her sake and understanding in her emotional hardship, or are you looking for an easy out because you don't like that, rape or not, she was with someone else?

Answer 5

I believe that she was raped and I am kind of in the same boat as you are. My girlfriend was raped when she was 12 by her niece's dad. She even ended up becoming pregnant. (so this kid that she has is both the half brother and cousin to her niece.) She told me he got charged with statutory rape and when I ask why he got charged with only that she says she doesn't know because she did fight and it wasn't consensual. Anyways, she ended up giving birth to this child, putting him up for open adoption, and he lives 2 miles down the road from us. As an extreme feminist I believe that she should have had an abortion or at least take the morning after pill. I have been put on anti anxiety medication because this kid that she ended up having is one messed up kid and I am afraid he will come after me someday. It's difficult being involved with someone who has been raped especially with someone who bares the rapists child.

Answer 6

That's a hard one to answer without being around her and knowing first hand her personality and all. Some girls will lie about everything. This might give you a clue if you know of other things she tells you that just don't add up. If not, she is probably telling the truth.

Answer 7

I doubt she would lie about being raped or abused either. The problem is that she isn't dealing with these traumas in her past and they are continuing to haunt her and you too. Tell her that in order for you both to move forward in your relationship, she must seek professional help and it wouldn't hurt you to get some to, so that you can put everything into perspective.

Answer 8

She has unresolved issues and until she gets help from a professional they will remain. That will make a relationship with you impossible. You need to convience her to get counseling. Offer to go with her. This has to happen before your relationship can grow and continue. Nothing will be right between you until She deals with this painful issue. Good Luck.

Answer 9

Dont talk abt it anymore, what already happened, happened.
And if she bring this matters up again, tell her that u dont want to remember her past, the most important is the present and future. You and her are together and loves each other, thats the only thing matter.

Answer 10

somethings like this are hard to talk about but I don't think this is going out on you maybe move on it has only been 3 1/2 years she does have baggage