He has no respect for his father or I either one. He is more that way with me. When I talk to him on the phone, he yells and screams if he can't have his own way or I don't agree with him on something. He can be right down the block from our house and he will never stop by to see us, he never ask about our health, if we are doing ok. We are not youngsters and it would be nice to know that he has a little love and concern for us. He expects us to bail him out of all his problems and I have finally had enough and refused this last time. Told him it was time to grow up, that we wouldn't be here forever to help him out.
I have decided that I am not having him in my home or my life until he grows up and can treat us with a little bit of respect. This man had everything growning up...maybe that was what made him this way.
He is married and has a child that he refuses to let us see. What did we do wrong? And do you think I am right in feeling the way I do?
2006-08-30 18:57:58 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
You go mama. It's about time you told him to grow up. I don't think you two did anything wrong. Some just don't want to be responsible. I hope it works out and if it doesn't then it's his loss. It's time for you and you hubby to go and have some fun.
2006-08-30 19:02:32 · answer #1 · answered by jagbeeton 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Was he spoiled?
Is he an only child?
Was he often sick growing up?
Did you set boundaries with him growing up?
What have you done to lose his respect? Did you instill a respect for parents into him while he was growing up?
Setting boundaries now is good. Not bailing him out - also healthy. If he yells & screams, just tell him "I will speak to you again when you can talk rationally" and hang up.
You ask "what did we do wrong?" What did you do wrong? We don't know - only you do. Also, it may be something you don't even have a clue about - who knows if he had a traumatizing experience in high school that he couldn't tell his parents, then as he continued to grow up he lost all trust & sense of intimacy with you both and now he has no clue to relate to you. Maybe you suffocated him. Maybe you gave him everything & he is confused about boundaries & respecting others.
You want him to have love & concern for you - did you have love and concern for him when he needed it? Have you respected him? Did you give him the support & emotional backbone he needed to grow up securely?
I am not accusing, I am asking questions because you have given almost no information about how you've contributed to the breakdown in this relationship.
Have you treated his partner poorly?
It could be anything. Boundaries are good. Love is good. Setting boundaries in kindness is love. Good luck.
2006-08-30 19:06:26 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well first I want to say, although I dont know the whole situation that Im sorry you have to deal with that. My son is only 2 so hopefully I dont face that one day. I'd be heartbroken. Anyway as yourself these questions and answer to yourself honestly. As he was growing up, did he face any issues that could have any affect on his current behavior? Any fighting going on between you and your hubby? Any secrets the two of you may have kept that he could of found out about? I'm not saying your wrong but I dont see any reason why a child, well grown man would act such a way towards his parents for no apparent reason. So try to find the answer, maybe you arent digging deep enough and keep in mind that the answer may not necessarily be you or your husbands fault, be open to all possibilites, you'd be surprised at how people are majorly affected by anything now days. Take a look at his wife could she have anything at all do with anything? Personally, I would think that there was something alittle fishy about how she isnt steppnig in and letting you see the child out of respect. I would find a way for my child to see their grandparents if they were worthy and wanted to see him no matter how my husband acted. You could always take that one to court if it is a big enough issue to you too. Grandparent rights, might not be much but youll get something if he really dont have a valid reasonable reason for keeping his child away from the two of you. Although I know it would be hard for a mother to do to her child, I think the way you handled the situation was the right and more importantly, only way. Well I hope I helped, sorry its so long lol
good luck :)
2006-08-30 19:19:33 · answer #3 · answered by Fearfully & wonderfully made 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You have my sympathy. I think it is really awful to have someone you love constantly hurt you.
I don't think that you can hold yourself responsible for the choices and actions of a man who is 31.
It is possible that a person who constantly is bailed out of trouble is angry when everybody does not put him first. This is being "spoiled".
I think you have begun to do the right thing by drawing boundaries.
Don't try to buy his love, it just will not work. He is the one now who needs to regain your respect. He can start doing this by taking care of his own business.
You don't say if he has a drug or alcohol problem. But that is often the case. And there are a lot of groups out there ready to help him.
Take care of yourself and your husband. There are a lot of good people out there for you to associate with. Maybe with time your son will be about to deserve your attention. Til then, your mental and physical health is more important.
Good luck.
2006-08-30 19:08:26 · answer #4 · answered by San Diego Art Nut 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have every right to feel the way you do. I could never even imagine treating my mother that way!! That is how a spoiled child would act, and I think you did the right thing by not bailing him out of trouble again, you may have given him everything but he can control his actions and just because you may have given him everything when he was growing up would be no reason for him to disrespect you. Good luck!
2006-08-30 19:05:17 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop bailing him out of anything. You are probably right that it has not helpful to have it all.
Communicate to him that you will not tolerate yelling, screaming and childish behavior (in a firm, calm voice - don't play the same game).
Put some distance to him for a while. Unfortunately, I don't think you can expect a radical change from him at this point. You can change a 12 year old. 31 is too late, unless he wants to change. That doesn't appear to be the case...
Best of luck
2006-08-30 19:10:03 · answer #6 · answered by Ivan 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you have absolutely every right to feel the way you do. i'm very sorry to hear that your son is still absolutely immature and act more like 13 than 31 (and i believe 13 year olds act more mature...).
my husband is the same age...he give his mom a hard time, but never his dad. the way he talks to her, he sounds like he's a kid again. BUT, my husband knows that besides having his problems with his mom...he will let her see his grandson. he knows that his parents are not going to be around forever and grandkids are one of the highlights of life!
oh i forgot to mention, my husband was so furious at his mom about talking to his ex-girlfriend, who is a family friend...he was going to refuse letting her see her grandson. it took me to calm him down and tell him that's not fair on his mother's behalf, but our baby's behalf. so there might be a possibility that your daughter-in-law can knock some sense in him?
i think your son is those type of people that doesn't understand how valuable life is...he's probably the type that only grows up when something extremely dramatic will happen to him.
i hope he matures quickly so you can see your grandchild.
2006-08-30 21:25:37 · answer #7 · answered by mymymissmai 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Usually when a child has everything growing up they turn out to be adults who expect their parents to continue to give them everything even though they are grown. My brother is like that only he is going to be 41. My mother finally, just recently in fact, told him that until he could apologize for his latest bout of cursing at her and my father they didn't want a relationship with him anymore, I understand how you feel about your son, my parents love my brother so much they would do anything for him, but he's too abusive and unreasonable. I agree with your not bailing him out anymore it's possible that now he has an opportunity to grow up, which he wouldn't have had otherwise. BTW, my brother called my mother a couple of days ago saying if she needed anything all she had to do was call him, but she needs an apology which he still isn't ready to give. Saying you are sorry means that you are to blame for your behavior and I'm not sure he's ready to take that responsibility yet.
2006-08-30 19:10:49 · answer #8 · answered by Sonia Jo 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes, you spoiled him. But you're definitely on the right track by refusing to "bail" him out last time, keep that up, no matter what he threatens. Of course you have the right to expect respect from him, and you have the right to see your grandchild, too, without "paying off" your son for the privelage. But you can't control what he does, only what you do. Hopefully he'll come around.
2006-08-30 19:10:16 · answer #9 · answered by wendy g 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a real piece of work. It's hard to understand a Son like that. You are right to take a stand and not rescue him. I would tell him that when he starts acting inappropriate to you on the phone you are going to hang up and he can call back when he can be civil. You don't have to put up with that and you're not going to. i'm affraid to ask where his wife is in all this. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this kind of stuff. You should be enjoying life and doing fun things together with your husband. I'd pretty much cut him out of things until he grows up, if ever. Good luck.
2006-08-30 19:05:31 · answer #10 · answered by EMAILSKIP 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, when he's rude to you on the phone, very quietly and calmly say, "I'm sorry, but I've decided not to let anyone speak this way to me. I'm going to hang up now. Goodbye." And then hang up. Each time he wants "bailed out" of his problems, tell him calmly and politely, "Son, you are 31. This is is called 'tough love.' We love you, but we cannot fix your problems anymore. We have to let you start dealing with things yourself or we will have failed you as parents." Then, let him suffer the consequences of his actions. You probably didn't do anything wrong unless it was to not set boundaries about how you are unwilling to be treated. But that's a fairly common mistake for everyone whether they are parents or not.
2006-08-30 19:03:58 · answer #11 · answered by Rvn 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋