Why do people expect so much out of ministers' wives?

Question

It is not like the church hired me! I certainly don't get a paycheck! I know the verse in the Bible that talks about how men of God should have godly families, but godly does not mean perfect. Nor does it mean that a minister's wife should sing in the choir, teach a Sunday school class, bring the best dish to potluck, etc. I feel so plastic every Sunday, painting on my smile and pretending to be someone I'm not. I have tried to be myself, but all that got me was completely isolated, brought up before personnel committee meetings, my husband's job threatened, and some very rude comments. It is easier to just paint a smile on my face and pretend.

I can't make friends because they assume I am a stereotype, or I can't stand them because they are even worse at painting on their plastic smiles and pretending they are perfect. I am stuck in the middle. I think I am going to minister's wives hell, lol.

I feel isolated, and depressed. Do other minister's wives feel this way? Help?!

WOW, if it were only as simple as just making a friend outside the church, or saying if my husband loses his job he didn't deserve it. If only some of you knew how stupid people are when you get them in a big group . . . ! Ignorance is bliss! I remember my naive days, too! :) :) :) :)

Yes, I knew he was going to be a minister when I married him. But I have changed a LOT, and I can no longer agree with a lot that goes on in the denominaton we are with. It must be nice for you to be able to say "well, you knew" when you are wearing your own shoes! I knew he was going to be a minister. I had NO clue what I was getting myself into!

It's been nice to vent anyways, and I do feel better thanks to some of the advice given. THANK YOU to those of you who have been in familial ministry positions and have given good advice without being judgmental. I reallyreally appreciate it! :)

Answer 1

Hi, you gave me some good advice, so I am going to try to return the favor. First, if you haven't please talk to your husband. I mean really talk, sit down and say I want to talk and I want you to listen.
I have been in your shoes to some extent but I am sure in a much different type of ministry. We have ministered in a motorcycle group and the leaders thought women should be "quiet" and only talk to women, and had no place other than the "bringer of the spaghetti".

I was so unhappy because I know that women mean so much more to Jesus. That I was able to talk to my husband, and pray that we move from all that.

I am not saying move from your church, or your husband. I am saying that we are not all called to do everything in a church. If you are not doing what God has called you to, you are just spinning your wheels. I believe that people will see through "fake" faces. Prioritize what you have been called to do. If you shouldn't be teaching, please don't. Nothing I repeat, NOTHING, is worse than someone being in a position that they are not called to be in. If there is no anointing, you are on shaking ground.

I do know that Tony Evans.org has a wives group out of Dallas TX. His wife is a wonderful minister, and will help answer so many of your questions, and I will pray that you have the peace that passes understanding, as you minister with your husband.

Answer 2

My best friend is a ministers wife... It is extremely difficult because people view your husband as "perfect".. Tho you aren't the one getting the paycheck, you are still a woman of God.. there to worship god...
I read I think on the "focus on the family" website... that 4/5 ministers wives are miserable.... and that has to be so true... If you do one thing wrong, they are all watching you... yet if they do something wrong, you pray for them and forgive them... You can't paint the smile on your face, and there is only so much you can do... Stop trying to be perfect... You can only fake a "fake life" for so long... Some people out there are viewing you and thinking "god I wish i was her! " and they may stop attending, thinking that they will never measure up to you.... While others will view you for all that you do... *( especially the older generation ive noticed )*... It's time you make it known you ARE NOT perfect... You are your husbands wife, and your job is to submit to him and love him with your heart... Submit to your husband.... Love the church... No where says you need to be perky and happy 100% of the time... If people start rumors and get discusted with you, because you show signs of weakness, or stumble every once in a while, that they choose to switch churches or start rumors, it's their faith and love with God that has to be questioned!!!

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Answer 3

I'm not a ministers wife, but it sounds like you may need to do some praying and some growing. It sounds very frustrating, let God teach you how to deal with these different individuals. It doesn't mean you should be someone you're not, just how to handle the situation. Have you and your husband thought about relocating? Sounds like a church I would not want to be involved in unless I felt God had me there for a reason, maybe to set an example? Pray about it and let God lead you. I will pray for you.

Answer 4

The first thing I would suggest is that you find another minister in your own denomination to speak with about this problem. You might even consider a a therapist or counselor.
The next thing I would suggest is to choose one particular committee to become involved with....just one....and definitely choose a committee that doesn't get involved in the leadership or politics of the church (flower committee, hospitality, greeting and welcoming).
The next thing I would suggest is that you become involved in a community group, perhaps a garden club in your community, or the PTA, or Literacy Volunteers, or something else that you are particularly interested in and where you might meet other people outside of your church community and be welcomed for what you have to offer not for who your husband is
And please, don't even worry about potluck dinners. Go to the best bakery in town and buy two loaves of their best bread and bring two sticks of butter...everyone loves fresh baked bread.
It truly is up to you to set the boundaries of what you will and will not become involved in within the church. If you are asked to take on any other responsibilities, merely say that you really enjoy greeting and welcoming, or serving coffee after church, etc., and that you also have obligations to the flower club, PTA, or Literacy Volunteers.

Answer 5

Sounds like you need a friend to talk to. It's not whether or not you get paid it's who you are connected with. No it isn't fair but you knew you husband was a minister and that's part of the expectations. If you want to have your fun you just have to learn to be discrete with it. You don't have to be isolated. I give you some advice that my dad who was a minister gave. He said son if you going to do you dirt and you are, don't do it in your own back yard. You may have to drive a short distance but there's always another town. Go have fun get to know someone.

Answer 6

We have a higher standard of minister's wives because a wife should mirror her husband, i.e. complete him, be his better half, etc. Find a happy medium, and stick with it. You may not be able to be yourself, but it's for the greater good. It says in I think Colosians or it might be one of the Corinthians that we are not to do anything that may offend another. If you follow that and have a GOOD attitude about it, than you may be able to find peace in this area. Also, if your husband is happy with you the way you are when you're being you, than maybe you're not at the right church. Your husband is the direct authority over you, not the church...remind your church of that because that is directly stated in the Bible on several different occasions!!!

Answer 7

Surprisingly you aren't the only one who feels this way. My mom is the same way. My dad has been a methodist pastor for 30 odd years. My mom is very isolated and it scares me sometimes. I understand teh fake thing as well. I have to do it all the time. If we aren't perfect then my dad risks his job. I say just fake it pretend to like them and trust in god to sort it out. Don't isolate yourself though. If you have kids make friends with their friends parents. Trust in god and he will provide. I jsut wish my family did that more. Might be a little better off. Don't let the stress get to you. You aren't alone and if you ever wanna talk just let me know . I know there's times i'd love to talk about how i'm treated.

Answer 8

Wow, you'll be in my prayers. People do tend to put tend to put the pastor's wife and children on a pedestal; it's unfair and puts an unnecessary burden on them. In my former church home there used to be a support group for minister's wives and widows. Do you have a similar group in your church group? Maybe you could find other ministers' wives who are going through the same thing. God bless you.

Answer 9

Just be yourself and if they don't like it who cares, even if that's disagreeing with what the stereotypical views of in your denomination.
It sounds like they're the fakes treating you in this matter if they're suppose to be Christians.
You shouldn't have to live up to be who other people think you should be, and that goes for anyone, not even just ministers wife.
I hope you can overcome your depression and make friends, if your able to not let what other people think of you then your going to feel better cuz you won't be worried what others say or think about you anymore

Answer 10

You need a good friend outside your husband's church. Unfortunately you do have to keep up an appearance there. I think you could be a bit aloof from things, I mean you don't need to do a lot of church activities. I expect that your husband also needs time away from his church. But you obviously do.