No father figure in my daughters life..?

Question

When my ex and I broke up after 7 years I moved to another state. Things are great here as far as financially and being independant. I could not survive financially in the state I was in, but here we can survive comfortably. My oldest daughter is 10. My daughter is having a hard time not having her stepdad in her life anymore, she turns it on me, its all my fault. She is very disrespectful towards me and is violent toward her younger sister and brother (age 7 and 3). I have tried everything (grounding, spanking, extra chores) she just doesnt change. When she talks to her stepdad on the phone he can get her to behave, but I cant. It is not possible for her to be with him as he is recovering from drug addiction. We chose not to tell the kids about the drug addiction for obvious reasons, but she really needs that male role model. ANy suggestions? I have no boyfriend, husband, family member around. Please help, serious help only.

Answer 1

This is a big question, with lots of answers that could be great for some kids and terrible for others.

As far as telling or not telling, don't lie, but no reason to spill your guts everytime either. When my daughter asks me a question I don't feel comfortable about, I always try to answer a little bit and then ask 'does that answer your question?' and sometimes she has follow up questions and other times not. (When she was about 5 years old, she asked me "dad, where do babies come from?" and I thought 'geeze louise isn't it a bit early for this question?!' and I asked her, "why do you ask?" and she said, "Well, my friend Sarah said that her sister was born at the hospital - is that true?" So I said "yes, most babies are born at the hospital, does that answer your question?" And it did! (whew)

Anyway, this might sound off-topic, but when my daughter was in Kindergarten, her school offered a class for parents called "The Power of Play in Parenting" which sounds silly, but it was great, and although many of the specifics were geared toward K-2, other ideas applied to all ages, including my boss! The basic idea was that you should set aside 30 minutes each week (same date and time) and that is your special play time with that child, each child gets her own 30 minutes. And during that time, you follow the kid's lead. Sounds simple, but it can be very difficult for 30 minutes to not teach or scold or suggest, etc. and instead only follow the child's instructions.

Anyway, I mention this because my daugther really loved our "special play time" together each week, and it help improve her behavior, I think in large part because she could see that I was also willing to follow HER instructions. Good luck and I hope this helps!

Answer 2

have you ever thought about telling her what happened? she might very well be upset with you because she's in the dark, and is getting to the age that she understands somethings and will start asking questions or defying you. maybe she doesn't know what or how to ask. kudos to you for taking your children to a safer place and away from the horribleness of a drug addiction. i think she is old enough to understand what happened, and maybe she'll start to respect you a little more for your decision. if anything she will know for sure it isn't her fault or yours really, and that you are trying your best to keep her safe and raise her right. let her know you need her help to make sure your family can be successful together, and that moving her to this new home will be a great adventure but it will only work if you are all working together. my guess is that she is upset that you aren't together anymore but also that you moved her away from everything she knew. i think your daughter is smart enough that if you just have a heart to heart and tell her the truth that you will find a big turn around from her.

Answer 3

Get her involved in a boy's and girls club.

Or why dont you try family counseling where ALLL of you go together to talk about your feelings and get some professional help, doesnt mean that you are crazy but you are getting an outside opinion of someone who deal with this kind of stuff regularly.

Also why dont you get your ex to talk to her and to tell her that he can not be there because he is sick and he needs her to behave. This would be good. He can say that he is too sick to be around the family and that would be a reason that you guys had to leave. Good luck

Answer 4

It's probably very hard on your daughter not having a father figure in her life but watch very carefully about choosing one for her in a new town. Studies have shown that pedophiles look for women with children who don't have a dominant male role model in their life and are just waiting for the perfect time to enter into their lives. Maybe you could check into getting your daughter involved in some extra curricular activities such as soccer, basketball, youth groups, or an after school program. Maybe you need to tell her that her stepdad has some issues that he has to deal with and until he gets his life straightened out that it's not possible for him to be involved as much as he wants to be in hers. Make sure that she knows that he loves her and it's not her fault.

Answer 5

well she's already 10, old enough to be reasoned with and yes old enough to be told the REAL reason for your break-up. it seems she's blaming you for this. talk to the school counselor regarding this, they'll gladly help out. I'm a mother of three kids, my eldest is now 19 but my husband left us 8 yrs ago - just be firm yet gentle when you talk to her about everything. my kids and i have a very strong bond - because i never kept anything from then even though they were very young back then.

Answer 6

she sounds like my sister, the only way that worked for us is send her to the meanest family member you got (not abusive just to teach her a lesson...sort of like boot camp :) ) but when we did that she smarted up the only thing she has to do now is stop her lying...but its a long work in prosses it hard to not have a father figure thats when things go bad i mean by the time she is 20 she could be into drinking drugs and be pregnant if not have a kid. you have to do something sign her up in some kind of course or do what we did...:) good luck and all the best

Answer 7

Get her involved in the Boys & Girls club, or Big Brother/Big Sisters program. Also at age 10 she is old enough to know why you can't be with your EX. Kids understand a lot more at this age than we did when we were kids.

Answer 8

I also have been divorced with a daughter that was extremely angry with me. She hit me, she blamed me she did everything she could. One day when she was at her wits end and I had my wits about me as she swung and hit me I grabbed her arms and held them so she could not swing. Told her that we could not live together anymore and that if I invited her dad here he would not move back. I put her on the phone to him. He told her that same thing. the next time she had a tantrum I pulled her close to me and hugged her. Got her counseling and My Dad stepped up to the plate to be the man in her life. He gave her away on her wedding day. be patient Be strong she is angry and has to vent it some way. Love her through it.

Answer 9

i think she needs to know, i think for her to stop "hating" you, she needs to know why this has played out like it has, i have two boys and my partner is still with me, but i know if there was ever a situation like that i would speak up, the others are a little young, but i belive she should be told.
.... the idiot above me should shut the F up, i had two kids out of wedlock, i was 16 with my first, were now married have another a computer company and a house, so that makes absulutely no difference,
talk to her, dont hide anything, you'll get that bond.

Answer 10

Do you belong to a church? There may be someone there who would be willing to help out.