Should I forget the child I adopted out because my husband isn't his father?

Question

A little over a year ago, I gave my first son up for adoption. I got married to my high school sweetheart after being separated for two years. He and I just had a baby boy last month. I have an open adoption with my first son but my husband doesn't want me to stay in touch with him. Whenever I mention my first son, my husband says I have a new son to take care of and to not worry about my first one. What should I do?

Answer 1

Bless your heart.

Wow.. if it's an open adoption that means the family that adopted your son gave you that right to stay in touch. It's best for you to do what's healthy in your life now.. but don't do something your husband wants that you will regret later.

Every time I hear that song by Michelle Wright - He Would be Sixteen.. it makes me feel the pain of other woman who wonder about their children they adopted out.

Do some deep soul searching.. do what you feel your gut is telling you to do, not what the person over your shoulder WANTS you to do.. Best of luck (((hugs)))

by Michelle Wright

She gets in her car,
October Friday night.
Home from work down
thirty-one, past Franklin
High.
She can see the
stadium lights, she can hear
the band. A thousand crazy
high school kids screamin'
in the stands.
Quarter-back and home-
coming queen, love to young
to know what it means.
She goes back in time oh in
her mind, its like a dream.

Chorus:
He would be sixteen. The son she
never knew. It hurt so much to
give him up, but what else could she do?
He would be sixteen.

A child should have a home.
she knows her folks were right.
She never heard the couples name,
just that they were nice.
She wonders if he's taller than his father was?
Does he drive a car by now?
Has he been in love?
She shakes back to reality.
She knows things turn out the way
they should be. But she just can't
help but ask herself; does he know about me?

Chorus:
He would be sixteen. The son she
never knew. It hurt so much to give him
up, but what else could she do?
He would be sixteen.

She never even got to hold him!
And nights like this it hurts to miss
the son she's never seen.
He would be sixteen.
He would be sixteen.

Answer 2

Let me make sure I understand your question..
You were not with your "husband" when you had this child?
You then married this "man", and then gave up your child?
Or, did you give up the baby before you married him?
If you gave up this child BEFORE getting back together and getting married, then fine. If that is the case, then apparently you did not want the child anyway. So, it is best to have done what you did. If however, you got together with this "man", and then gave the child up because it was not his, then DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS BABY! While I commend you on adoption rather than abortion, or the horrible alternatives, this child deserve a much more loving and giving parent than you. I can only hope that the child you have with you will have a decent life with parents as selfish as the two of you.
What I understand your question to be is that you actually "choose" a "man" over your own flesh and blood, and if you did it once, then your self-centered nature and your lack of maternal devotion is sure to rise again.
Giving a child up for adoption is done out of love, even during the most oppressive situations, women sacrifice their own wants and desires to provide what is best for the child. It is not done because some "man" wants you to.
First, he isn't a "man" he is a child who has about the same level of integrity you do; somewhere between a cockroach and a piss-ant.
Until you are a real woman and mother stay away from that baby if you have ANY feelings or heart at all.
Anyone, man or woman who would choose a "mate" over their own flesh and blood is truly the prime defination of a narcisist.

Answer 3

Oh how hard that must be on you. It almost sounds as if he is jealous, that it is another man's child with you, or he is trying to be controlling. Think about what kind of relationship you would like to have with your birth son in the future.

Why not stay in touch with the family, just because your husband doesn't agree? He needs to accept the fact that your son will always be in your heart and head. Sooner or later you will resent your husband for keeping you away from your birth child. It's not like he is going to live with you.

Later on when this child gets older and wants answers, as to why you cut off this relationship. He would know it was suppose to be a open adoption, probably his adoptive parents would have told him. He will be hurt by the fact that, because you started another family, you had to cut the ties because of your new husband.
It's hard enough on some adoptee's. My heart goes out to you. It is a hard decision you have to make for yourself.

Answer 4

Absolutley not. You have an open adoption with your son for a reason. I'm assuming your husband new of your situtation before the two of you married. After having his own child, I can't believe he could be so insensitive to your first sons needs. I'm sure your son was adopted by wonderful people, however it would be very damaging for him to lose you and whatever role you play for a second time.

Answer 5

if that man is telling you that you have to forget about your first son, then he is no man at all. There is no way that you should give up on your son, he is your flesh and blood. It is not fair no is it right that he asks you to not have any contact with him, and I would not do it. If he keeps it up, take your other son, and divorce him, he is not worth it, what would he have done if you had not given him up for adoption? not married you, or ignored the child all together? If he truly loves you, he will accept all of your children as if they were his own no matter what... You stay in contact with that child, and let him know that you do love him and DO NOT let that man tell you otherwise

Answer 6

No, my husband and I have adopted child (he is 3). The adoption is a closed one. I don't know what your relationship is like with the child or adopted family. If you have always stayed in touch with them prior to your marriage, you should try to continue. If you have not kept in touch for sometimes, they may not honor the relationship, on the basis of abandonment or lack of interest.

You and your husband have to come to an agreement of what type of relationship you can have. SOON. You may need to seek help. Also let the other family know that you haven't forgotten them during this time.

You may decide on occasional letters, and pictures. With the option that when the child becomes of legal age he may contact you.

But don't forget him.

Answer 7

If you don't set your husband straight now, he will make all your decisions for you. If you can and want to see your first son, then do so. Maybe your husband thinks you are feeling guilty about your first son, and won't be a mother to your second son. If that is the fact, you need to prove that you have love for both your sons and him.

Answer 8

Well who do u rather answer too,, Ur husband or God ,,how do u explain u put Ur child aside for a man.?
That's not a real mother,,,Maybe at the time u couldn't handle having a baby but if u can now why deny him,,,How do u think he will feel when he finds out the mother who birth him loves her husband more than him?

Would it hurt if ur parents did the same to u.

Answer 9

You can't just forget about a child you gave birth to. And it's not fair to your first born. You must stand your ground with your husband. Keeping in touch with your first son doesn't mean you can't give all the love and attention to your second one as well. He MUST understand that.

Answer 10

I totally agree with Older and Wiser. My girlfriend was raped, gave birth, and gave the kid away for adoption way before I was ever in her life. Knowing that that kid is out there scares the crap out of me because I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has kids. My girlfriend took a lot of time to convince me she doesn't have a kid and he's not her responsibility. We talked about the possibility of him trying to come into our lives and it's out of the question. She actually was the one who said that he will never be a part of our life.

Maybe your husband is the same way as me and wanted to be with someone who didn't have any kids and he figured seeing you gave him up for adoption you don't have another kid out there.

Maybe you and your husband should have talked about the situation a little more before getting married.