step child?

Question

I have a step daughter who recently came to live with us.I had met her 3 times prior and me and my husband have been together for 3 years. Her mom gave her to us because she has 6 other kids and no place to live(she also uses drugs)she rarely sees her and my husband works 12 hour days everyday so i'm left to take care of her she lies about me and to me all the time and now i find that i don't wanna be around her but i have no choice. She is 8. Is it wrong for me to feel this way about a kid?

I don't hate the child it's just everytime i try to get close she pulls a stunt like telling the neighbors i beat her she talks back to me or tells me i'm not her mom and i know i'm not but i'm more of a mother than the pothead that gave her away.

Answer 1

Okay, I myself have a step mother who hates me and I have similar feelings for her. She became my stepmom when I was 10(I'm now almost 30) and to this day we do not speak to one another. Based on my own experience, my absolute best advice is to love that step child. Love her even when neither you nor her wants you to love her. Let her know that you love her, not only by your words but let her know by your actions. She is 8 and it sounds like she comes from an already chaotic background. Encourage her. Praise her. Teach her by positive example. Get involved in an activity you both can do together. You said your husband works 12 hour days, right? Why not have her help you plan a suprise dinner for him one day? You two could scour cookbooks together, shop for groceries together, cook together, and serve him a fantastic meal together. Find out what she likes (art, reading, sports, etc.) and use that to build on. If she likes something, you need to make it your mission to learn everything about it and then join in her enthusiasim. Once you find that common bond, build on it daily. For the 2 of you to have a good relationship, you will have to really work at it but I promise it'll be worth it. Another word of advice, never, ever be negative about her real mom. To do so would be an absolute detriment to any chance of the 2 of you living harmoneously together. She is 8 and that can be hard but it also means that she's going to be around for awhile. You can totally be one of the best things in her life if you put in the effort and don't let her 8-yr-old antics frustrate you. Good Luck!

Answer 2

You need to be tougher with her...

When you find out she has lied about you take her to the person she lied to and have her tell the truth... of course in the instance where she claims you beat her that might look wierd, but you should put some sort of reality check for her that this is not Ok to do.

Show her that this behavior is unacceptable, she won't like it at first but she will respect you. YOU MUST SET BOUNDARIES with this child, she is testing the waters to see what she can get away with, and she probably resents you because her mother is gone.

We can make all the excuses in the world for a child's misbehavior, but she is 8 years old and that is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. Treat her like an adult, treat the conflicts as you would with an adult, tell her you expect her to act like an adult...

Then find something the two of you are interested in, and build a relationship doing that.

You may find that you love her when it is all said and done, but the beginning is going to be a rough road. It is important to remain consistent.

Answer 3

That sounds like a tough situation.

That child needs love and discipline - she probably has had neither for most of her life.

You need to sit down with your husband and set some ground rules, and both be on the same page with all of them, and the consequences for violating them.

Then you and your husband together need to sit her down and let her know what the rules are. Kids need boundaries! She will try to push them, but if the two of you stay firm, she will grow to respect you.

It will take time, and things may get worse before they get better. Be fair. Be tough. Be consistent. You are not her friend - you are her parent. She doesn't have to like you, but she does have to respect and obey you. Eventually, she will appreciate this.

She also needs to know that SHE makes the choices. If SHE chooses to lie to you, then SHE chooses to (insert consequence here - go without TV, clean the kitchen, sit in a corner... whatever you and your husband decide). She will eventually learn to make better choices. It's a good lesson for life - she chooses her future.

(In our house, lying gets a more severe consequence than the original offense, usually. Our kids know that, and own up to things pretty well.)

Good luck, and hang in there!

Answer 4

She came from a large family it seems, also it seems that she didn't get as much attention as she needed, so she's acting out for the attention, give her alot of positive attention and be sure to let her know when you don't appreciate something, for say if she lies, you could be like i don't like that you lied to me however, next time you tell the truth we will make cookies or something, use your imagination, if you really love your husband you will try to form a special bond with this child, she can make a huge positive impact on your life. Just give it another try

Answer 5

Theoretically you are the first mother figure she's really known. It is hard for someone without their own child to do, but you have to keep loving and hugging her like she was your own. Show her she can trust you. And choose your battles carefully, it is easy to nit-pick when you're feeling this way.

It doesn't matter if your husband works 12 hours or 18 hours a day - if he needs to spend another 3 dealing with his family (and HIS child... HE pulled down his pants), then he needs to do it... and change his occupation / schedule if need be.

Family councelling might be a good idea; they can help you understand and deal with her feelings.

Hang in there.

Answer 6

This child has had a hard life and she might be a little difficult to get close to or for you to even feel a lot of affection for. But please be patient and try, even if she's a brat! She needs love and a stable home. Put your self in her shoes, she's only 8. You maybe the one person who could change her life and teacher to become a loving, caring person. She may even need some family counseling. Please don't give up on her, no matter how hard it may seem right now! Good luck, to both of you.

Answer 7

Just remember how hard it is on her. I mean, she was taking away from everything she knew and given to people she didn't really know. It also sounds like she has had a hard life with her mother as well. I also wouldn't try to discipline her either, she will just resent you. Let your husband do that part.

Answer 8

some times I think that my daughter -in -law doesn't love my sons children from his first marriage. But if she didn't love his kids she would not have been with him for the last 7 years.Give ur self time all kids go threw this stage.She is just seeing what she can get away with.

Answer 9

Well I don't blame her for acting up, I mean she's had it rough having a mom on drugs and having her parents splitting and getting remarried and then having to move in with someone she's only met 3 times. Go easy on her for awhile. The best way to get her to straighten up is to talk to her.

Answer 10

It's hard to have a troubled child at any age
Just remember she has not had it easy (not an excuse)
Give her time and yourself time she probably feels the same about you
You know she on a distructive path
She needs help therapy and its going to take time and you have a rough road ahead of you
you need to talk to your husband dont be defensive you need to work together on this hard road