Relatives blame one another when I ask for help?

Question

My mom and my twin have been bickering for a decade now, and I get it from both ends. That's annoying enough, but I'm in a period where I could really use emotional support, and when I ask them for it, they turn it into an excuse to blame the other for my confusion.

My twin advises me to quit my job (which I'm good at but don't like), move out of my apartment, and take out loans to go back to school. I express reservation about this (she's never had good history with $), and she accuses me of being "controlled by Mom" and "trying to please Mom."

Mom? She congratulates me for staying at the job, tells me that one job's just like another (don't bother changing), and wishes I opted for trade school rather than college. She then turns it into a chance to snipe at my sister's job-hopping and financial disasters.

Any advice other than just not speaking to either?

Top it off with my Mom's health being dodgy, and this whole thing starting when my aunt (Mom's sis) intervening on my twin's behalf when Mom cut Michelle off after an argument in college. Worse, is all three husbands (uncle, stepdad, and bro-in-law) are firmly on the side of their wives.

Answer 1

You have to live with your own decision so, rather than just taking your Mom or twins advice, why don't you talk to some of your friends and get their advice too. When making a big decision, I always talk to many different people before deciding. If you are still uncomfortable making that decision, go with your gut instinct.
Also, here's a suggestion.........Why don't you keep the job and go to school at part time to see if that's what you want to do. You'll probably never know until you try.

Answer 2

Without knowing how old you are, its a little difficult to tell you on this one. I can tell you this though. Not all jobs are the same. If you aren't happy where you're, its time to move on. It will cause you to be come depressed, depsondent and to a point where you just don't care about anything anymore. (been there, done that). The grass can be greener on the other side, you just have to find that perfect job that is just waiting for you. It took me almost 20 years to find mine and I couldn't be happier. I'm also a happier person at home. As for the rest, mom's are controlling, thats what they do and thats their job. Mine was that way up until the day she died. Your mom shouldn't be playing you two against each other. If you're 21 or older, I would recommend that you sit down and make up your own mind. SInce you're the one working and paying for your own place to live, it should be your choice. Thats the great American dream, the freedom to choose. So use your God given freedom and make the choice for yourself. Its your life and no one else has the right to live it for you or to make decisions or judgements on what you do with it.

Answer 3

I would say don't speak to either. I know you wanted other advice, but you pretty much admitted yourself that they blame each other for things, and that it's a pain in the butt relationship.

You're using them for emotional support; you're going through a tough time. However, they do not seem equipped to give you the emotional support you need. Talk to someone else, a girlfriend, or cousin; whoever.

I had a situation like this myself, and kept getting pulled into their crap. I stopped talking to them, and my life has been so much better

And by the way, there's nothing wrong with going back to school. And student loans are not a terrible option; the interest rate on them is a heck of a lot lower than a credit card rate.


Good luck.

Answer 4

Being in a similar situation I can say you are in a bind. The best thing for you is to do what is best for you. If you are at a time in your life where you need emotional support I would get it from a close friend rather than being continually dragged down further by the feud of your family. Spouses tend to side with their other half to keep the peace in their own house. ( it is a way of dismissing the subject when it comes up) I do not allow my mother to snip and complain to me about my brothers and also her brothers and sister. I also do not allow it going from the other way. Every one has a different idea on how someone Else's life should be run it does no good and you should just tell the complainer at the time of complaining that it is their issue and you do not want to hear it. If they still want to speak with you great, if not it is their choice and their loss.

Answer 5

I wouldn't cut off all contact. Remain friendly & nice.

Stop asking their advice totally. You need to decide for yourself what to do. If they offer advice, change the subject immediate... or suddenly remember an "appointment" and end the phone call.

There is a balance between a job you like and a job that pays bills. Maybe a middle ground is to take a few classes at night to earn a new degree... but in the meantime stay at this job.

Bestof luck to you!

Answer 6

Theee.....Do you have mind???? Can you think ???? You have a bad credit history. Every husband favors his wife. You are good at job and you dont like it. How can you say it. You need a psychologist.

Forget your mom, twin, husband, job, money.

Think How you want to live your life? You want to do job? or want to have a business? Do you have an ability to run a business. Dont think about the money now? What if you love your job and you are not good at job and what if they fire you after hire you. What kind of emotional support you need at this situation. Just try to express the reality in front of you rmom and twin and if they believe in you they would like to support you as much as they can. Try to make an understand your mother why there are biases with her own childrens. Why she is trying to create a differance.

Answer 7

Why do you keep going back to the source of misery??? Ask a third person for advice. And guess what, not all jobs are the same. Some jobs are way way better than others. I just switched to a much better job with good pay and I went back to school at the age of 42 to get another degree to change jobs.

Answer 8

I have had to deal with this stuff too, but from my parents, their divorced. I just tell them that if they have an interest in my life that's fine, but I get to make my own decissions and they really have no say so on what I'm going to do anyway. They also try to use each other against me and I always put my foot down on it and tell them that the talk ends when I want it to. I love them both and don't want to hurt either of their feelings, but I love feelings too and think that I might know whats best for me sometimes, and if i make a mistake thats ok too, again, it's my life!!

Answer 9

Been there, done that! we all have a little of this going on in every family. you are just a little confused by all the talking. but the fact that your in the middle can't be tolerated it is cruel. it can be handled by understanding the reasons why and then you and only you can take evasive measures and step aside, not corrective measures, thats up to them. first they are trying to control the only one that is listening, which is you!!! they stopped listening to each other so who's left? they are also competing for affection and also scared of losing the only one left which is you. they dont realize that their bickering is drawing you away from them and that your tolerance which is based on the incredible amount of love you have for these two women is the only thing keeping you there, not who's smarter or right. you obviousely are a very strong and creative person, otherwise how could you have survived this amount of disappointment. for this reason i trust that you probably know even before you ask either one for advise what you r-e-a-l-l-y want to do. so why add another day of verbal attacks? skip it and try to look to another source for your own emotional help and advise. look around, sometimes we are so tied up with one persons world that we overlook the other beautiful people here needing and willing to connect and help us, understand? i think that once you are not available to answer to every beck and call for your family they cannot use you to unstress anymore. and they will either have to hold it in or call the person they have the r-e-a-l issue with and finally unload on them. so by being available as a peacemaker you have actually helped prolong their anger, frustration and disappointment with each other. and now its being passed on to you!!! it is okay to visit just limit your attention span to important issues involving anything besides resentment and lack of respect towards each other. trust yourself and dont be afraid to move on, drop them as a security blanket, you can have your o-w-n dreams and goals without their approval. but as long as your too busy with their issues you wont have to d-e-a-l with your own personal issues, you know what i am talking about, dont you??? your love should not be taken for granted!!! you have been kept from making your own wonderful and customized life long enough, no more excuses or reasons to stop yourself, you can do anything, your a survivor, you have earned it and definetly deserve it!!!

Answer 10

Tell these two that you refuse to listen to anymore negative remarks about the other. Then, if you are on the phone with one of them, and they make a rude comment, just say"gotta go". After a couple of times of being cut short, they will get the point.
If you are talking to them in person, just turn and walk away.
My advice to you is to stay at your job, but take some evening classes so that you can get out of there as soon as you can.