Step-Mom.. is there any suggestions?

Question

I don't have kids of my own and I have been dating someone with a 4 year old for almost two years.. it is up and down all the time. Any suggestions?

I don't try to be the parent, I understand I will never be his mom, and his Mom and I do get a long

Answer 1

Just accept that being any kind of parent will always have ups and downs (even when they're 40!)... it's part of life when you love & care about someone more intensely than yourself (you'll understand someday).

Don't ever try to come between a parent and child, including saying anything negative about their mother, regardless of how you may feel about things that happen (and they will!). I agree with not taking a "maternal" role but you do have to take somewhat of an authoritative role, and you and your partner have to always keep a united front. Any disagreements about discipline should never happen in front of the child... and the natural parent should get 51% of the final vote.

The easiest for the child will be if the THREE of you can always agree on house rules and stick to them equally... including any discipline (grounded at one house means grounded at the other!).

Answer 2

It amazes me what some people will say on this forum and how some will attack people for things like introducing kids to a partner before a year of dating!!!

I'm sorry to say but its always gonna be ups and downs. Right now, since you guys are just dating, dont try to be her mother. She has one and will prob hold it against you if you do. But if all you are is her friend right now what happens if you guys get married and now your her "step-mom". You can her friend but have bounderies too.
Depends on how long you've known her for but you could take her on a fun outting just you and her to the zoo or something. Show her your interested in her too not just her dad.

Like I said, its not gonna be an easy ride dating or marrying someone with kids (i feel bad for my boyfriend, we started started dating when I had a 8 year old and 2 month old) but know that evenutally they will leave the house!!!!!! and just try to make the best of it.

My step mom has been in the family for 21 years. I couldnt stand her when we first met and barely liked her growing up but when my mom died almost 5 years ago, she stood up and became a mother figure for me and a grandmother for my kids. She says it was rough when we younger but now looking back she doesnt regret a thing and its all worth it now. So hang in there dont take personally and good luck!!

Note: just read your additional details: when reffering to the child replace all my her's with him and there you go.
When my daughter's father was involved in her life and married (he's now divorced 2x) his wife and I got along very well so I can tell you thats SOO important!!! Ask his mom what you can do. She knows him better than anyone and will prob offer some good advice.

Answer 3

1. be patient 2 aks questions 3 be supportive 4. be yourself 5. kids can spot insincerity 6. be their friend to start with dont try to be their boss 7 . let them know you are not taking the missing parents place 8. you are not the missing parent so dont presume take it slowly 9 ask the person where he/she would like to be in X time find out what they want or need . 10 know where you are going and what it takes to get there . 11. what are their interests 12 what do they like to do 13 how much do you know them after 2 years you should know where this relationship is headed 14 how long has the missing parent been gone and how / divorce/death /desertion ect each has its own trauma that has an impact on their lives hope this helps Gorbalizer

Answer 4

Take advantage of the fact you aren't the parent and have some fun with him. Get silly, play games and have fun with him. If he is rude or disrespectful then correct him. Correcting bad behavior doesn't mean you are trying to be a parent and most parents appreciate someone making sure their children behave appropriately when they aren't there to. You said you get along with his mom, so ask her for suggestions about things he enjoys to do. Maybe you can find something that he likes but doesn't get to do with anyone else, then you can play on that, make it your special thing with him.

Answer 5

I've been in the step-child position with both a step-dad and a step-mom. My step-dad really wanted kids of his own, so he tried to replace my dad (who was still in my life). He tried to make me call him dad. And him and my mom would talk poorly about my dad in front of me. Even now he tries to act like he's my biological father and my kids' biological grandfather. I've never had the best relationship with him, I just tolerate him. My step-mom on the other hand made it too clear that she didn't want us there when we'd visit for the summers, and she never really tried to be anything to me whether it be a mom or just a friend. And when they adopted kids of their own later on it only got worse, because with us around it made her feel old. She always just refers to me and my siblings as my dad's other kids and makes a joke out of it. Even now she doesn't want my kids to call her Grandma. So I don't know what would be the perfect situation, but it would definitely be somewhere in the middle between these two. Don't try and replace anyone but at the same time don't treat them like you don't want them there. I would have enjoyed having someone that I could hang out with but also go to for advice. Just be pleasant and approachable, I guess treat them like you would if you were watching a friend's kid. Because you still would discipline someone else kids that you were babysitting, but you'd want to come across as cool. Anyway expect the kid to be a little weird toward you, it's a hard situation for them too.

Answer 6

Not sure what you mean by "up and down'.
Youre not a step-mom if youre not married to the guy. Youre the girlfriend and you have no rights even if you are married. If youre married to him and you have the same theories on raising kids you shouldnt have too many problems.

Answer 7

I'd stay out of any "parent" roles. But also try to keep her respect. Children should respect everyone; peers and adults. The best way to get respect is to even respect her at an early age. I've heard of a lot of jealousy issues between step-mothers and daughters...what I'll say about that is to just let her have time with her dad and if you have issues with her to talk to your boyfriend about it and have him talk to her. Don't get involved with family issues unless asked. That's my best advice...hope it helps!

Answer 8

I hope you didn't get introduced to the child for at least the first year you were dating.....that's the recommended amount of time. Don't try to parent the child, it's not your job. You haven't really asked what the suggestions were for.

Answer 9

As long as you're a caring and understanding person and you realize that you will never replace their mother you will be fine.

Answer 10

its not easy at all.... i can only tell you to think about it very carefully cause he'll always be part of your life and if you really want to be with this person forever youre gonna have to deal with the ups and downs... there'll be all sorts of good things but not very good ones also... good luck!