How do I cope with this?

Question

My mother and I have always had a shaky relationship, as did she and her mother. She is anxious, self cautious, insecure, tight with money, she snaps at the least little thing, and you never know what mood she'll be in from one day to the next. We went a year and a half without speaking, and now we're back on good terms. In some ways, it seems like she's changed for the better, and in other ways, she's still the same old person. I live with my father, and she dislikes him. He's helping me pay off a bill that I have for college, and she isn't. She hasn't said anything about helping, either. How do I deal with her now? Is there anything I can and should do?

Answer 1

First you learn that she is who she is and that no matter how great you are you can't change her. You could be the best child in the world but the way she was raised helped make her who she is today and if she doesn't want to change or think anything is wrong with her she will be the same person for the rest of her life with little change. The fact that you live with your father may affect her and make her feel inadequate and fell that you choose him over her.
Most mothers think that their daughters belong to with them even when they know in their hearts they may not be the right choice. Bottom line you keep loving her and learn to accept her imperfections she may never be what you want or need as a mother but continue to love her break that cycle of mother and daughter not getting along. If you accept her without expecting any changes you may be able to deal with it better,if you keep looking at her and hoping for a change you will be disappointed and miss out on the time that she is pleasant and will miss out on the times that she is loving. And most important take all your problems in prayer to 'GOD" he will make it easier for you to deal with and maybe just being around you will help her to see what a great daughter she has, and that you will one day bring her a lot of happiness if she knows you're not always looking at her as if she is lacking in anything.

Answer 2

Whoa....sounds like she has a lot of hurt inside from her childhood. If she isn't the kind of person you can sit down and reason with, try writing her a letter explaining how you feel right now. Don't bring up stuff she has done or said to hurt you in the past, because there isn't anything either of you can do to change that. If she starts shifting the blame on you, change the subject. Be careful not to point the finger at her too much, just explain how you feel. Put it on yourself, not her, because she sounds like a touchy person. I hope everything works out okay.

Answer 3

It's great that your relationship with your Mom is better than it was before. However, we are all guilty of still holding on to the past and not giving someone a clean slate even though they've actually changed for the better. It's hard to believe that things truly are different.

Seeing that your parents appear to be divorced, it's no wonder they don't get along. Don't worry about that, that's between them. The most important thing is your relationship with them on a 1 to 1 basis.

Parents aren't always going to give their fair share...sometimes one gives more, sometimes one gives less. Appreciate your Dad for helping you and don't get caught up in the blame game your parents are playing with each other.

I'm sure your Mom brings something to the table that your Dad doesn't.

Hang in there and don't think too much about it.

Answer 4

This is a tough one! Are you upset that she won't help you with college money? Or is it because of her behavior? My mom used to go thru some of the things you mentioned, but then went on antidepressants, and we get along better than ever. It seems like she's going to need some serious help to get past whatever her problems are. DO NOT just push her out of your life - for better or worse, she is your mom. Have you tried sitting down with her and talking calmly about how she makes you feel? Try to get her side of things? As to the money thing, maybe she thinks that since you live with your dad, he should pay for you. Not fair to him, but that's the way life is sometimes.
My suggestion is treat her with as much respect as you can, try to really understand why she is how she is, and talk to her. But do it in a calm way, without getting angry or laying blame.

Answer 5

I think this is one of those situations where it's not as bad as it seems from your perspective right now. Maybe try taking a few steps back and looking at your life and relationships with your parents in "big picture" terms. You know, focus on some of the positive aspects. For example, you obviously have two (albeit imperfect human) parents who love you. I always say that in every situation you have the opportunity to either add love or take away love. Try to see each situation with each parent as an opportunity to grow in your ability to add love and stir! It will all work out. You'll see!

Answer 6

You don't.
She doesn't have to pay your bills. You might like for her to, but if she didn't sign a contract, leave her alone. YOU are responsible for your bills.
Imagine for a moment that your mother is mentally ill. Does it help you to be kinder to her, to see her as a victim of her moods, and not a monster?
She sounds very depressed, to me. She might even be bi-polar. This is a serious disease that shows itself in mixed wild moods, depression, anxiety, anger. Sometimes there are spending sprees, or outbursts in public. Sometimes they drink to medicate themselves.
If she had a bad relationship with her mother, who taught her to be a mother to you? Stop the cycle now, by loving her, and accepting her, and staying your distance.
What exactly are you coping with? If she is cranky, leave. If she won't pay your bills, you pay them. If she hurts you physically, have her arrested. If she scares you or worries you, leave her alone.
Get on with your own life, and try to be kind and gentle with your mother. Be the one who is not nuts.

Answer 7

u just have to accept ur parents for who they are. just like friends n coworkers. ur relationships should always be what u want them to be.if u don't like it, u change or u remove that from ur life. mother's are strange people, u'll realize n understand her more as u get older. and mom and dad's love way differently than each other. especially separated ones. they didn't or couldn't stay together so u shouldn't compare or think of them together or equally either. be grateful for both of ur parents n be honest about how u feel whenever u feel it ~ hearing n seeing what makes someone u love unhappy is the only way for that someone to change.

Answer 8

No, send her a card once in a while saying how you are. Be sure you stay stress free cause it sure sounds like 'burnt in burn out' to me.

(not a medical term but some people are almost born burned out and think that is the way they are. You can almost not convince then that life could be better because they are so locked up they never show their true self. Very hard life.)

Answer 9

Sadly, there's nothing you can do to control another person's actions. You can only control how you react to them. I know this sounds like a Dr Phil response, but it's certainly true. I've had a sketchy-at-best relationship with my father since I was a child (I'm now 42) and I realize that his attitude, temper and general demeanor is HIS problem and not mine. PS- a parent is not obligated to help you pay off your college bills. It's cool if they do .. but they aren't required to.

Answer 10

Just be yourself with her. be happy you now have a relationship with her. Avoid getting in any discussion about your dad with her. She may not feel that she should pay for anything for you, that's OK. Just love her. You mentions she had a shaky relationship with her mom. Try to stop the cycle now.