my boyfriend cuts himself and he says it "feels good"?

Question

My boyfriend suffers from depression. He has been to social workers in the past, but he gets tired of them telling him what to do and feels they dont work. I happen to be a social worker myself, so please understand that he dosn't want me "social working him". Anyway, a few days ago, i noticed a bandaid on his wrist and saw the blood underneith. He told me in the past he used to cut himself. When i asked him that day if he cut himself , he said "no". Meanwhile, yesterday "out of the blue" he asked "you asked about me cutting myself a few days ago?" I said yes. He said "yeah, i did" He told me that he likes to do so and it just feels good when he does it. We are both 25 years old. Maybe it feels good because dosn't it have to do with endorphins being released? i think there is a biology component to the "feeling good" part, but im not sure. Ive been telling him to go back to a therapist but he keeps saying i dont think i want help. I wish he would go on meds.

Answer 1

i just wanted to add that these ppl are wrong that are telling you to leave him because of it! if you love him and wanna be with him then stay but if you leave just because of this you'll be another person that let him down in his life and it will go from self mutilation to suicide attemps, thats not such a big jump, all you gotta do is cut a little deeper!

when i was a teen i was a cutter, i cut myself all the time because yes if did feel good, you get a rush from it! but also because physical pain is a lot easier to deal with then emotional pain. at least you know how to fix the cut and can make that better. my sister was a cutter also, and i just found out that my cousins 12 yr old daughter is cutting now. i dont know if it could run in our family or what. but i know a lot of ppl that have and still do it. there are people that get together just for that reason i think the therapist called it socail cutters, there are many reasons a person would cut its not just for the feeling of ur flesh ripping.

check out these sites.


www.selfmutilatorsanonymous.org
Support group for self mutilators which uses the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous to help people to stop self mutilating


www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.html
self-injury information on the web. Includes definitions, explanations of why, etiology and demographics, diagnoses associated with SI, professional treatments, self-help


www.healthatoz.com/healthatoz/Atoz/ency/self-mutilation.jsp
Over half of self-mutilators were sexually abused as children, and many also ... Self-mutilators are often hesitant to change their clothes or undress

www.webmd.com/hw/mental_health/shc63sel.asp
Moderated message board that provides support and strength for persons who use self - injurious


gabrielle.self-injury.net/index.php?showtopic=75398
Males Who Self Injure, Please Come Here - Safe Haven
... What racial group do you think holds more self-mutilators? ... wouldn't say that they are classified as self-mutilators (or even self-injurers)

Answer 2

I'm an ex-cutter. As other people are saying, I used physical pain to distract myself from emotional pain, especially when I felt overwhelmed by things I couldn't control. So I know what it's like.

I can't believe you are all saying that she should dump her boyfriend, though. What he's doing sounds like very superficial scratches. If you can hide it under a Band-Aid, it's not life-threatening--trust me. It *is* a problem that he needs to overcome, but it is NOT a reason for panic.

Cutting is a way to handle stress, a survival strategy--not a suicide attempt. This guy, feeling that his social workers aren't helping him (which is quite possibly true), has simply decided to take matters into his own hands: He's using the best way he has to control his emotions, to stay sane and functional. Sure, it's not a good way to cope; but if it's the only way you've got, then it's a heck of a lot better than ending up in real trouble--drugs, suicide, a mental hospital... whatever.

And, you know what? Cutting *does* "feel good". Your body releases endorphins when you're hurt; and if you can release those endorphins, you can alleviate depression, disappointment, and a lot of other negative feelings. It's not a good way to handle those feelings--but it does work. That's why so many people use it.

That this guy initially lied about cutting himself tells me that, if he wants "attention", then that's only a small part of the problem. He's been hiding it even from his girlfriend--people who "just want attention" don't hide nearly that long, or that much. If he's letting you know now, it's because he trusts you, and thinks maybe you can help.

First of all, the best thing you can do for him is be a friend. Don't be hysterical, don't order him to stop, don't be angry. Don't baby him or walk on eggs around him; don't act like it's the end of the world: It isn't. Just accept that he's doing what he has to do, and be matter-of-fact about it. The less emotion, the better... he's just who he is, and whether he cuts or doesn't cut, doesn't change that you are his friend.

Ultimately, it's up to your guy to learn what he needs to handle his problems without using pain to do it. You can't do it for him; therapy can't do it for him; meds can't do it for him. All those things can help, but he will have to do the hard work himself--and trust me, it IS hard work. When you've been depending on something (in my case, since age 7) to alleviate stress and cancel negative emotions for a long time, it's hard to learn something else.

But it's worth it, because if you can learn some different strategies, then you can use your emotions to your benefit without being overwhelmed by them.

Encourage him to find a counselor who is willing to help him learn those things. If he can't connect with the people he's seeing now--it's just a personality thing, most of the time--then he needs to find new ones.

Meds can help, too. Beware of any doctor who prescribes more than one or two at a time... you want the meds to be an aid, not a crutch. When you find the right meds for depression, you will feel "more like yourself"... not doped up, not more passive, not "high". If you don't feel like yourself when you're on something, it isn't right for you.

Getting over something like self-injury is a lot of work; and if he's depressed (which is likely) he may not have the motivation to make calls, drag himself to therapy (or out of bed), or get the good food and exercise he needs. Those are things you can help him with. Don't "mother" him--he doesn't need that--but you can offer rides, arrange appointments, pick up meds, or cook food.

But, most of all, just be there for him... be a friend--a predictable person he can count on. He probably needs one.

Answer 3

I understand the cutting feels good part. I even understand the not wanting to get help part because it's so hard to change. Sometimes it's easier to just let yourself be depressed. But the bottom line is he does need help.He suffers from depression. I wouldn't say he needs to go on meds. Meds are just like a band aid. they help for a while but it doesn't make it heal faster. He needs to heal himself. He should see a Therapist. And when looking for a therapist he should look for one that does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. They will help him look at his thought processes and his emotions and break them down. They will help him find the unhealthy thoughts and the triggers of those thoughts then they will teach him how to re-direct his thoughts and emotions into better processes thereby feeling better. It's kind of like re-wiring; and it works. But also keep in mind he needs to WANT to change. If he seriously wants to stay the way he is, no amount of therapy or drugs will help him. Changing your life and the whole way you think and react take a ton of work. Therapists will help, but he has to want to do it. It can be done.

Answer 4

The others are right!
Some mental illnesses such as depression and bipolar...
Anyways, you should get a new boyfriend.

I had a friend like your boyfriend once.
I was there for her everyday, I speaked with her everyday, I tried keeping her joyful and busy so she wouldn't cut herself.
She has the worst life according to her.
Her mom is a drunkard, she hates her father, she hasn't been in school for a few months, and visits the doctors all the time ..

Anyways, I can go on forever and ever. But, listen there's nothing at all you can do to change your excuse the remark..
' insane' boyfriend. It's too late.
It's like an addiction.
When someone cuts himself/herself he feels good, because he/she thinks it's helping them - which isn't.
Please trust me, most of them are attention seekers with depression just like my ' friend ' sarah.
I never talk to her anymore, because I realised she's insane, literally. Well, good luck dear.

Answer 5

If he doesn't get help he will end up killing himself. He is in serious trouble. The physical pain is to supress the emotional pain. Don't let him fool you, there is nothing good in what he is doing and if you enable him to keep doing it, you are not helping at all but becoming part of the problem. He is trying to reach out, but has too many issues that can only be solved by a psychiatrist and the proper medications.

Answer 6

Sometimes people do it for attention and then other times they do it to feel the pain. It makes me sick that people even do these things, but this is where my favorite show Degrassi comes in haha! Okay there is this girl in a show Degrassi, I forgot her name, and she is a cutter. Well she goes to these therapy classes and they told her she should get a rubber band and put it on her wrist 24/7. When she get's the urge of cutting herself she simply just has to pull the back of the band on her hand and pinch herself with it. It helps and it has the same feeling of cutting I think. So try the rubber band theory. All you have to do is lightly pull on it and let it hit against your wrist. I hope this works.. If not, find yourself a new boyfriend seriously.

Answer 7

It feels good because it's an escape from emotion. Sounds like he wants attention. Call him on it! Don't tiptoe around & feel sorry for him.

You have a right to a healthy relationship. You can still express your love and care for him, but don't compromise your needs. He can't give you what you want if he's not happy with himself.

Get him some behavior therapy & meds...

Answer 8

This is a serious problem. If he will not seek help, you need to decide if you can handle this relationship. Being a social worker, you should have an idea about the risks he is taking. Think about how that will affect you and your relationship with him. Try to be as objective as possible and ask yourself if you can handle this relationship. If it were me, I would have to leave him.

Answer 9

Your boy friend is in need of serious help. This condition can and often results in suicide. Most sickies resist assistance and require intervention to get them to accept it. I would make an ultimatum that he seek professional help from a psychiatrist, not a social worker, and do it soon. Also there are hot lines and outreach programs for this behavior. Find one and find it soon or he could hurt himself badly or die.

Answer 10

He sounds like he really is in trouble. Very difficult situation for you to be in. The cutting himself has nothing to do with endophins, it is a signal that he has low self-esteem and is crying out for attention, which he then says he doesn't want.

Perhaps you should try a little reverse psychology on him. Pretend that YOU are depressed and say you need help, convince him to help you, then that way lure him to a psychiatrist (he really needs to see one) under false pretences.