how do I tell my 6 year old daughter about her true paternity?

Question

ALRIGHT I NEED YOUR HELP. MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN MY DAUGHTERS DADDY SINCE SHE WAS 6 MONTHS OLD. WE NOW HAVE 2 OTHER DAUGHTERS TOGETHER AND I FEEL IT IS TIME TO TELL HER ABOUT DEAD BEAT SPERM DONOR. HER FATHER HAS MADE IT PERFECTLY CLEAR THAT HE WILL NEVER MEET HER OR HAVE ANY REALATIONSHIP WITH HER. HER LAST NAME IS MY MAIDEN NAME AND SHE IS STARTING TO ASK WHY. HOW DO I TELL HER ABOUT HER PATERNITY? MY HUSBAND WHEN WE GET ENOUGH MONEY WILL ADOPT HER. SO I NEED ADVICE FOR A 6 YEARD OLD BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER. I HOPE THAT SOMEONE CAN HELP ME. SHOULD I WAIT TIL SHE IS OLDER?
JESSICA

To old man buford and paolo. I think your upset with your own pitiful lives and I am a good person and a GREAT MOTHER I was young and atleast I found someone who loves her just as much as me. To all other respondents if you are going to bash me and make me feel worse than I already have THEN NEXT QUESTION PLEASE

Answer 1

well, since she has a different last name, then i can understand her curiosity.
however, at 6 years old she can understand quite a bit, but that doesn't mean you need to tell her every nitty, gritty detail.

this situation is similar to an article i just read about how to answer you child's questions about sex. you feel that the topic is way out of their league, yet they are asking you and you don't want to lie, yet you don't know how to tell them certain things.

my recommendation:
be short, sweet and simple.
short:
she is 6...so there's no reason to go on and on and on about any of it. stick to the facts.
sweet:
don't bad mouth the "sperm donor". even though he sounds like a cruddy person, she doesn't need to know that she comes from a cruddy person....so, once again...stick to the facts.
simple:
she isn't going to understand all the details of sex and the complexities of the situation so, i think an explanation that is as simple as possible is good and .... stick to the facts.

suggestion:

o.k. sweetie, this is why you have a different last name.
well, in order to make a baby it takes a mommy and a daddy. just like daddy and i made (insert youngest daughter's name). see, daddy and i love each other very much and when you love someone that much you can make a baby with them.
well, before i met your daddy i loved ANOTHER daddy very much and we made a baby together. that baby was you! so, you see, you have me as a mommy just like (insert other daughter's names here) but you have a different daddy.
that's why your last name is different.

now, the important part is to stress how much your husband loves her and is her daddy now. tell her that her actual daddy wanted your husband to be her daddy b/c he couldn't be her daddy and he knew that your husband would love her more than anyone else!!

just try to be as simple as possible.

take care and good luck!!!

plus, it might be good to mention that soon she will have the same last name b/c your husband will become her "official" daddy.

EDIT:
i would be open with her on all counts as soon as she has questions. a friend of mine was adopted and so was his sister and their parents were always honest with them about it. they know exactly who their real parents are....the people who raised them:)

Answer 2

I don't remember when I told my daughter that her daddy isn't her father we have always been open with her even though he has been her daddy since she was born I was six months pregnant with her when I met my husband and he has always been there for her. I do think that you shouldn't use sperm donor or dead beat, you should use either father or his first name, and be sure that you tell her that it doesn't change the way your husband feels about her. It's going to be hard for a little bit but just be honest with her get the basics out now (ie: his name, that he left, and your husband loved you and her so much that he stayed) and tell her that if she has questions that she can ask and when she does be as honest as you can don't try to shield her from it because when she finds out the truth you will look like the bad guy and resent you for not being honest.

Answer 3

Tell her all she needs to know... don't get into great detail, keep it simple, More complicated aspects I would wait until she was older. You know your daughter best and what she will be able to handle. At that age kids just want basic, right. just let her know her Birth-Daddy ( that way there is no hurt feelings for your husband, or negativity attached to the shiftless jerk ) went away and now you have a great wonderful father who loves you very much. She probably won't think much more of it since she has never seen him and obviously bonded with your husband. Thru personal experience keep everything positive!!!! Anything negative at this tender age could cause issues of abandonment and rejection. Just remind her how loved she is by her Father and Mother and I wish you all the happiness in the world Good Luck

Answer 4

I think you just wrote out my life story... except that mine is a son and then we had a girl and a boy...See, I had been dating a guy and I broke up with him then found out I was pregnant. I told him. He came to see us at the hospital, but only held him once...He would randomly show up at my house. I told him I was seeing someone and he needed to call before he just showed up at my door, and he never came back or called or anything... I then met my husband and we have been together for 5 years and have a girl and another boy. He has raised my first as his own. I have also given him my maiden name. I have no idea what to tell him... I just figure someday he will ask and I think then I would sit down with my husband and explain it. Right now though at the age he is at (and I would do it with your daughter if I were you) I think I would explain that I was not married yet when you had him and just gave him my last name. I have a friend who was in this situation and I think 10 was the age she was mature enough to understand, but not think she(the mom) was keeping a secret from her. I hope any of this helps... But I know that its always nice to know that you are not alone in this situation.
Good Luck and Best Wishes,
Kiley

And I think that paolo needs to do some research on the "simple"adoption process....

Answer 5

This certainly is a predicament. I am a 22 year old college student who just recently found out I was adopted. I however, didn't have the privelege of finding out from my parents. It was a slip of the tongue from a close friend of the family. 6 years old might be a bit young. It really depends on the child's maturity I'd say, but 6 seems a bit young to me, personally. First off, I applaud you for being willing to let her in on the truth in the first place. It takes real courage to tell a child the truth about a complicated situation when it comes to their paternity. You might want to wait a while. I have several friends who are adopted by their fathers and their mothers usually waited until they were around 12. Before teenage angst set in so to speak. The most important thing is to wait until she is able to understand what happened and mature enough to realize it doesn't change who she is and who her family is and that you all love her regardless of paternity. Hope this was helpful!

Answer 6

I think it will be hard at any age. Does she have anything else in her life that is rough on her right now? If so, you might want to wait. If not, both you and your husband sit down with her. Tell her you think she's old enough to handle the news you need to tell her. Then tell her that who she thinks is her Dad isn't. He came into your life later. The guy who is her father left a long time ago. Her Dad might not share her blood, but he loves her so much. He fell in love with her as a baby and has been there for everything since because he loves you both so much.

It will be hard to tell her. But make sure you tell her how much she is loved. It will be easier on her at 6 than 16. Kids bounce back alot easier than teens do. And she's young. Just love her and be ready for any hard questions. Don't tell her lies and don't talk bad about the sperm donor. Don't make false promises. Tell her you'll help her try to meet him once she is 18 if she chooses to.

Answer 7

I am in the same situation. I will be watching this question to see what advice you get. My two older children were 3 and 5 when they were adopted by my husband. This is the only daddy they know. But they are starting to question timelines and getting smarter by the day. They are now 13 and 11.

Here is something I have said to explain to them several years ago about a unmarried teenagers pregnancy, we told them that sometimes god gives woman children before they are married. That helped them understand that you don't have to be married to get a baby and until they are old enough to understand the birds and the bees. I know it isn't the whole truth, but you could use it.

Answer 8

This is probably one of those questions that is best asked of a professional counselor. (All you need is one session.)

But in my own experience (as this happened with someone I know). His mother didn't tell him until he was 16. He was devastated by knowing that he had been lied to for so long. Felt like his whole life had been a lie, etc. So, I think you're right to tell your daughter now that she is asking. I wouldn't say anything negative about her dad, because no matter what you say about her dad, she will internalize. I would only say that you once loved a man (you did, you slept with him, right?) you got together and your love made a baby. She is that baby. Later, the daddy left, and you found a new daddy for her, that loves her very very much.

Wow, you're really in a tough spot. This is hard to know what's right to say. I can see why the person I know's parents didn't say anything to him for so long.

Answer 9

Do not wait I was in the same situation my husband has been there since my daughter was 18 months and she didn't know the difference until we had another child .she was 4 when I told her the truth and she accepted it immediately. You definately need to tell her when she is young so it is not like you lied to her for 18 years .Tell her now she will not be traumatized but be prepared for her to push her boundaries with her daddy. The whole "you are not my dad thing" If he ignores her comments and reasures her that he loves her it won't take long before she gets over that. Good luck

Answer 10

I'm adopted (not by one parent but by both) and my parents started at a young age. She may still be a little young to understand the whole situation. You should let her know about daddy, but right now don't make him out to be a dead beat either. He is still HER dad. Shey may hold resentment later on in life if you do that. Be nice about it (even if YOU think he's a deadbeat sperm donor). Explain it more in depth as she gets older, she will understand and be able to make a better judgment then.

Hope this helps :)