can someone please tell me a good joke i am felling down today?

Question

make it funny as possible

blue jokes and any other welcome but no raceism please

Answer 1

~here ya go:
A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the
house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it, as he's liable to
break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it
off. You're going to break something."
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping
center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and
it
lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery
gets
the urge.
A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes.

When she is finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She is not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls
her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he
assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives, she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his
knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out
his
pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP!



The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.



"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the
first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"
One more for ya:


A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing
to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining
that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine
and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The
husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's
blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
obviously
helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to
transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

Hope your feeling better asap!~

Answer 2

Man goes to a dentist
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!" LOL!!!!!

here is antor one.
Life of cows and bulls
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
LOL!!!

Answer 3

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks
in a bar and Jill, (the Australian barmaid) takes his order 1 pint of
Fosters and notices his Australian accent. Over the course of the night
they get to know each other quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks
her if she wants to come back to his place with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her
$200 for the night. Jill is travelling the world and because she is
short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again orders
another fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the
night he asks if she will repeat for $200. She figures in for a penny in
for a pound - and so she agrees. This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth
night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he just orders his
fosters and goes and sits in the corner.

Jill (a little disappointed) thinks that maybe she should show him more
attention, and maybe she can skank some cash out of him so she goes over
and sits next to him.

She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
"So am I..." she says."... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he says.
"That's amazing..." she says, "... so am I - what street?"
"Cameo Street" he says.
"This is unbelievable..." she says, .. what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is astonished.
"You are not going to believe this..." she says, "... I'm from number
22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says "... your dad gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

He who drinks Australian - thinks Australian!

Answer 4

this isnt really a joke but its a cool true story: 4 students were late to class and missed their final at some big law school, I forget which one, and they told their teacher that they were late because they got a flat tire on the way to the final. The Professor said alright no problem Ill just make a new exam for you guys to take tomorrow. So the next day he sits them all on opposite sides of the room and gives them their final, which only had one question on it: "which tire was flat?" And they all failed :).

Answer 5

Thibodaux and Boudreaux are a couple of drinking buddies who work as airplane mechanics in New Orleans. One day the airport is fogged in and they're stuck in the hanger with nothing to do.
Boudreaux says, Man, I wish we had something to drink. Thibodaux says, Me, too. Y'know, I heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it? So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Boudreaux wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels great. No hangover. No bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Thibodeaux.
Thibodaux: Hey, how do you feel this morning?
Boudreaux: Great!
Thibodeaux: I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?
Boudreaux: No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangovers, nothing. We oughta do this more often.
Thibodeaux: Yeah. Well, there's just one thing....
Boudreaux: What's that?
Thibodeaux: Have you farted yet?
Boudreaux: No.
Thibodeaux: Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix.

Answer 6

It's a raunchy one. But I like it.

One day the French decided to conduct a study on why the head of a man's penis is bigger than the shaft. So after countless hours and thousands of dollars they decided it's to give the woman more pleasure.

They shared their findings with the Italians and they disagreed. They conducted their own study and after many days and hundreds of thousands of dollars they decided the head of a man's penis is bigger than the shaft to give the man more pleasure.

They shared their finding with the Canadians and they disagreed with the French and Italians. They performed they own research and after 45 minutes, a carton a cigerettes, and a bottle of whisky they decided that the head of a man's penis is bigger than the shaft so he doesn't hit his forehead. *ba bum ching*!

Hope you feel better.

Answer 7

Glidden (the paint company) Just came out with a new line of paint to match hair color.

there first color off the line is Blonde (of course)

However:



It not very bright
but it spreads real easy

Answer 8

Little Johnny walks in on his parents doing it with his mother on top. When he asks what their doing his mom replies "oh honey your dad gets lots of air in his tummy so im just bouncing on it to get rid of it." Little Johnny replies "I dont know why you'd do that, the neighbor lady is just gonna blow it up again"

Answer 9

Well there is this woman who is really fat who went on stage to present something.When she was coming down the steps her feet got stuck and she bounced all the way down. Her feet got broken!

Answer 10

Guy walks into a bar with a banana in his ear.
Bartender says, "Do you know you've got a banana in your ear?"
Guy says, "Louder, please. I've got a banana in my ear".