Should I go to the funeral...?

Question

My mothers sister (I refuse to acknowledge any common blood between us and, therefore, don't refer to her as my 'Aunt') was a total B*tch to my mother some years ago. When my darling Mum was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease, she was told by her ever loving sister that it was "all in her head" (which of course it is, being a brain disorder). I had a huge row with the woman and she has been estranged from our side of the family until very recently, when she spotted my frail Mum on a hospital visit. She proceeded to explain that she now had a brain tumour (I managed to refrain from pointing out the obvious!). The hugs between my Mum and this woman were purely to feed her own self pity and I cannot help but despise her.
I should point out that she is not yet dead but isn't expected to make it past the weekend.
My quandry is this, will I be able to stop myself from dancing on her grave infront of everyone?...

I would like to have a good knees-up with the rest of the family, but would my enthusiastic celebration cause offense...?

I should also point out that I am NOT christian in faith...

Answer 1

You probably shouldn't stoop to dance on the grave and the like, as it might come back to haunt you (hehe). But I know what it's like. My mother had an uncle who like beating up his daughter, and a sister who was never nice either. When her parents, my grandparents died, though they had always said they'd like to be buried, my bastard relatives decided urns would suit them better. My mom was very angry and cut off her sister. Her brother died the year after, from a brain tumor as well, but my mother did go the funeral as she felt it diplomatic. My father, sisters and myself however partied somewhere else. Seriously, we did. Though the family never noticed our binge of disrespect, we haven't been in touch ever since. As my grandparents death was ten years ago this month, my mum was contacted about the urns of her parents. Whether she'd like to now pay for the churchyard rights, or perhaps co-decide on where to take the urns. Needless to say, she threw a fit.

Anyway, to make a long story short I firmly to have family is gift from god. Therefore, family should be ignored if bit of sensible discussion does not work. Dance on the grave when your mothers sister is buried if you like (I'll bring a few good cassettes, and an exorcist if need be) but try to simply avoid them like the plague before then.

Answer 2

The idea that I had for my own (I'm a cancer survivor who has actually planned my own funeral out in advance--thankfully those plans don't appear to be needed right now) was to make it a celebration of my life. The same pastor who oversaw my wedding is a rare man: So long as respect is shown for the religious, he has no trouble seeing to the wishes of disbelievers. While every single person in attendance at my wedding knows I'm an Atheist, I still wanted the pastor to lead a prayer for the rest of my family--nearly all of which hold a Christian denomination. He did it very well: "The bride and groom have requested a moment of prayer for those who would like to participate..." and the moment went on. I spoke with him about overseeing my funeral, and having the same sort of consideration. He agreed, and had several suggestions for making that happen. This way any prayers said for me were by the choice of those offering the prayer. The funeral itself would fit me for who I was, yet allow the survivors to be who they are and deal with things in their own way.

Answer 3

By what you have stated here, no, you shouldn't go to the funeral.

Funerals are to pay your last respects to a loved one or someone you were close to.

I am a firm believer in Karma though and what comes around, goes around, which looks like this is the case with the Aunt.

But don't let yourself become a victim of Karma as well. Let it go. Bitterness and hate only eats away your positive energy. Life is too short to focus on all of the bad things that have happened.

Love you Mother even harder than ever. Better yet, if it would make your Mother feel better (if she is unable to attend the funeral), maybe you should go. Be the bigger person.

Answer 4

I think you should go....you have so much hate built up inside you...it may be good for YOU to hear and see your hated Aunt from others perspectives.

If your aunt was such a dreadful person she would have been excluded from your lives waaay before the Parkinsons Disease hit. People deal with disease, distress and death in so many ways....and hers was, granted, not the best...fear/irritation and anger at the circumstances does that to people sometimes. That may not have been the case in earlier years...they may have been very close in childhood etc but **** happens.

If your mum ever had fond memories of her pre-Parkinsons, go to the funeral....and open your eyes/ears properly. If everyone else thinks she's so awful, you might have to dodge other dancers......and do be aware that its a mighty drop, dont want to twist your ankle as much as your psyche. I am so sorry you lost your mum is such a painful way. Peace be with you....

Answer 5

I think you should go to support your mother, this lady was after all, your moms sister. You may be excited that she is gone, but your mom will probably be grieving. Save your happy dance and bottle of champagne for when you get home. Remember, funerals are as much for the living as for the dead. Be the rock for your ailing mother, she'll need you in the time to come.

Answer 6

I think for the sake of your "mum" you should go and not let your selfish desires of "dancing on her grave" get in the way. No matter who someone was or how much you despise them you should should never be thrilled that someone has passed. I think for the sake of decency you should go to the funeral and not "pay your respects" but instead support your "mum", I am sure that she needs you. I think that because you mom is in the position she is in right now she has a better grasp on how precious life is and is willing to forgive and forget before it is too late.

Answer 7

I can understand your problem here. However, it is not guaranteed that everyone agrees with your feelings. To show respect for the rest of your family, I would certainly attend the funeral but do not show any emotion. Times like this are rough, and can be confusing. But if you 'dance on her grave' in front of the rest of the attendees, it might be offensive. Tuck your chin, say your prayers, and show your respect for the dead...not just her, all of your past family members.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Don't let your hatred of this woman stop you from doing the right thing. Look at her funeral as a release for both of you. You are released from having to deal with her and you can put your angry feelings to rest, and also release the power she has over you! Also, if you think it would mean something to your mother for you to go, then do it for her!

Answer 9

As much personal satisfaction you would gain from all that dancing, it is probably better to stay at home. It would just be disrespectful to those people who did have a good realtionship. You should let your pain and anger die with her and let it RIP.....

The important thing is that you work on the relationships you have with the living!! Not the dead!!

Answer 10

This is a difficult situation to say the least. Speak with your Mother and ask her what would she like you to do. If she says she wants you with her at the funeral, then abide by her wishes. You supported her years ago when this women was cruel, support her now when she needs you the most.