What to say when someone you knows has just suffered from a miscarriage..?

Question

Recently someone decided that it would be fun to poke mockery (on Yahoo Answers) of the death of our son, Zachary that we tragically lost on Aug. 2, 2006 (second trimester loss), to see the post go here http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

I thought it would be important to post what to say to someone who has endured the pain of a miscarriage..

Things you should say
Do call her and tell her you are sorry for her loss.
Do send her a card or flowers to show you care
Do let her talk as much as she needs to or wants to.
Do give her a hug to let her know you care.
Do offer to help with housework, babysitting or other things that she may not feel up to doing.
Do acknowledge her baby.
It is okay to say I don’t know what to say or I don’t know how to help.
Do call and check up on her. The pain does not go away in a couple days.

So with that posted what else do you think would be appropiate?

Mel

Forgot to mention to see where I got the list and as well to see what not to say you can go to this link ..

http://lifestrategies.thingseternal.com/...

Sorry the correct link to the yahoo answer

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ApDx8giPbXGbeS0XkHzXYcnsy6IX?qid=20060829033342AAIaG9w

Answer 1

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no easy things to say. Its horrible that someone would be mean to you. A mc is just as real a death as any. No one who has not experienced this kind of loss understands no matter how much they want to. I do suggest the online support group on IVILLAGE.com there is a lot of wonderfull people who have experienced such a loss.

I have had three. Two at one-two months along, and one at 4.5 months. I lost a best friend over it. I told her that I had lost the baby, and named it Jordan Tracy 9/17/2004. Her response, hmm i didnt know you named it when they were dead. And then she proceded to talk about something totally unrelated. When i told her i had to go, and that I no longer wanted to be friends, she told me that she didnt even know why I cared. ( I didnt have a confirmed pregnancy till right before the MC my HGH wasnt showing up in test, so they kept saying i was crazy.) The pain was just as real, and premanent as loosing any other family memeber, if not way more painfull. In time the pain eases just like with any other loss. But its harder because people dont want to acknowledge that your pain is legit. And everytime you see a baby, or a pregnant woman, its like a knife to the heart. I think the best thing people can do when they know someone who has lost a child by miscarriage is to acknowledge the baby and the pain of the loss is real.

Not to mention its almost impossible not to blame yourself. People say its not your fault, and logically you know that. But emotionally you say if only i did this or didnt do that.

My best wishes to you and your family. And I pray for strength for you in this hard time.

Answer 2

I actually expoerienced a 1st trimester miscarriage. 10 weeks. I took it much better than my husband. It absolutely changed his life and helped begin an early change of life for him. I was able to freely talk about the issue, but he wasn't. The thing to think about before one opens their big mouth is how will the person take the situation. I think I could have handled a terrible joke and still laughed in humor, however, the husband....I don't believe....would take it in the stride it was meant.

Always think of a miscarriage as a death in the family. If you lost your family member, how would you like to be consoled. Maybe a simple I'm sorry for your loss and a hug if you know the person well enough....and then drop the subject. Ettiquette dictates that one never discuss death casually as if it doesn't matter. Life and death ALWAYS matter.

Answer 3

Not saying anything seems to be the worse thing to people who have sufferred loss or have someone seriously ill. I asked an employee recently who kept in touch with the wife of a deceased employee how she was doing, I don't know was his reply everytime I spoke to her she got upset so I thought it best not to ring her anymore. I'm glad you put this on yahoo. Most people say nothing for fear of adding to the pain or putting their foot in and causing more hurt so they stay away. I really didn't know what to say to a friend who lost both her parents first her Dad then her Mum on Christmas Day to cancer. We went out for a drink, and I just said that I had no idea what to say and could not imagine how I would feel if I lost both my parents, she said that was the best thing anyone could have said, as she was fed up with people saying "I know how you feel" and then going on about their problems. The internet maybe is helping people discuss topics and air alternative views, and maybe views such as your own will help us tackle these situations in future. With our pace of life everyone expects people to recover from breavement so quickly now a days, take your time, hopefully your next child will have a very special guardian angel called Zachary.

Answer 4

i'm sorry on your loss. i'm 6 months pregnant. I had pal who suffered a miscarriage until now this 3 hundred and sixty 5 days. It became so depressing b/c she could no longer tell her mom that she became pregnant b/c her mom did no longer like her boyfriend. I took her to the well being facility and stayed w/her until she became taken to her room interior the well being facility for the night. the unhappy ingredient is our babies could have been a pair of months aside. i did no longer pick to tell her i became pregnant b/c i presumed i became being recommend b/c i found out that i became pregnant a pair of months later after she miscarried. you're a sturdy lady. I talked to friends who had extra beneficial than one miscarriage and nonetheless have 3 little ones. you would be a mom. Your new child became a blessing. i does not say something to that guy or woman who published that b/c some human beings at here have not got a coronary heart. I asked a query approximately low income housing and somebody made a sensible remark and suggested I could have been on delivery administration. I deleted the question b/c i presumed it became impolite. So basically forget ignorant human beings. Pray and save the religion. i'm sorry if I suggested too lots i became disillusioned that somebody might placed up a query like that. properly desire this might help, i will save you in my prayers.

Answer 5

the worst thing you can do is not say anything. I lost a baby at 6 months old to SIDS. Some of my closest friends weren't around to support me because they didn't know what to say they said nothing.

Never say that you know what she's going through. Even people that have been in simular situations got there in different ways. It drove me nuts when ppl would say, I miscarried- I know how you feel. No they didn't. I got to see my baby run around in his walker. I am not saying they felt less or I felt more- Just different,

Offer to help her find support groups or numbers for people who have had such a severe loss.

Love, Lots and Lots of Love is the best medicine. I am sorry for her loss and your friend is fortunate to have one like you. good luck to all

Answer 6

Say you know of a group called The Compassionate Friends ( compassionatefriends.org) who will be there to help every day for as long as is needed or wanted.
I'm very sorry Zachary passed so young.The pain will get softer over time, but now it's very new ro you. So please don't feel guilty if you have a happy moment. And please pamper yourself as much as you can now. And realize that whatever decisions you make at this time are RiGHT, if they feel right to you.

God bless you.

TCF Martha

Answer 7

You Should say:
You will get over this tremendous loss soon and before you know it you will conceive again, its not the end of the world , be strong for your husband and your self.
It is important that you site a few examples of other women who might have suffered a similar loss but are mothers today...
Hope is important, Positive thinking is the healer......
............and most importantly spend time with her

Answer 8

i just wanna say sorry for your loss ,people here do stupid things because their hiding behind a computer screen,but i couldn't see the first link you included ,so when at the end of all your statements you put down dedicated to the memory just know that your doing it with cause and don't worry about any comment some simple minded ,arrogant,people on here have to say, KEEP YOUR HEAD HELD UP

Answer 9

People should say" I am sincerely sorry for your loss. Is there anything I could do to help you in your time of need?" I have had friends and family go through this and that is what I say. I also give them something angel related.

Answer 10

I can't add much to what you have said.

I would think somewhere the idea that life goes on should be conveyed. My sister had several miscarriages before having her first daughter. I know it was hard on her. But she never gave up living or trying to be a mom.

I would try to encourage both parents to not give up. It is a loss for dad too.