My dad didnt call me for my birthday (yesterday), and he didnt come to my HS grad. last year...?

Question

...cuz he was on vacation. He never calls, and i feel he should take innciative [sp] (i usually am the one to call him) Hes remarried with a 7 yr boy, who i adore. How do i get him to stop being a douch...my moms willing to help too!

i dont remember who just sent it but...im not gonna call of my relationship with my dad. I know he still loves me, my stepmom tells me that all the time. They have pictures of me all around there house. When we see eachother, everything is fine....its just that, my dad has trouble taking the innicative, and making sure he keeps in touch! He already has the kind of relationship with his folks where they dont talk at all...im not about to do the same

Answer 1

Have your mom tell him you were really sad about these.

Answer 2

In fairness to him (and to give him the benefit of the doubt), there's the chance he may feel as if you are close to your mother, and the two of your have your own thing together; and he may not realize that he is still important to you. He may think if he waits until you call him you'll call when the time is best for you to talk; whereas if he calls you you may be busy.

The only possibly half-way decent excuse there could be for his not attending your graduation could be that he didn't feel he's important enough to you that it would have mattered or else he could somehow feel like a real outsider as things are now.

Some parents just kind of assume teenagers don't want or need them around much any longer. That's something else to consider.

I think you should talk to him and tell him you don't understand some of what he does and that you'd like your relationship to be different. That's all you can do. Tell him you wish he'd call you sometimes and that you don't know why he wasn't at your graduation.

One other possibility with regard to his behavior, there is the chance he's just not the kind of person who gives much to a relationship. There's some reason he and your mother divorced. This could be part of it. Sometimes when a person isn't capable of having the right kind of relationship in his marriage, he has the same difficulties having the right kind of relationship with his children as they grow as well. Some people don't have the inner resources to know how to contribute to building a relationship or to understand how important such a thing can be to other people.

You called him a crummy word, so obviously you have some anger about his behavior. Maybe he senses that. Maybe he didn't realize what he was doing but then later realized you seem angry - and maybe the whole situation just kind of snowballed in his mind.

I have no idea if this is right, but have you wondered if maybe he felt he couldn't comfortably show up at the graduation and felt so rotten about missing it he may have scheduled a vacation in order to keep his mind off missing it? I don't know if that's what happened, but you consider that.

Talk to him, or if you can't talk to him, then write to him. Don't say anything you wouldn't say in person, though. That won't help anything. Good luck. Don't judge him quite yet - not unless and until he gives you some idea of why he hasn't thought his role is important to you.

Answer 3

Wow, how sad. Do you get along good with his new wife? It sounds like he is just being lazy if everyone gets along. It's really nice that your mom is willing to help too. What I would do is tell him how you feel. How does your step mom feel about all this. I know my step mom was so jealous that I couldn't even get my dad alone for 2 seconds to tell him anything. If she's not jealous, ask her to help you out, set up a lunch date or something. If she is the jealous type, just tell her that you don't want to take away anything from them, that you just really need for your dad to get involved with you too. Maybe your birthday just slipped his mind, being on vacation. Tell him he can make it up to you by taking you next time. I know how important a dad and daughter relationship is. I would give anything if my dad was still here. We went through alot of stuff with his wife, but she didn't last long. After that, my dad realized how important he was to me and everything was great. Maybe your dad just needs a wake up call, men just don't always get it. He may be thinking you are too busy for him or just don't want to hang out with him and his new family. Find the right time and tell him and make sure he gets it!!! Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Happy late birthday!

It's too bad your father doesn't care enough to stay in contact with you, his child. It doesn't matter that he's got a new family. You're his family, too, and he should respect you. The fact he's 'busy' is no excuse. You're his child, he needs to acknowledge you and be there for the big moments in your life. High School Graduation is a very big moment. There's lots of kids out there who haven't graduated, so you're already better off.

You're lucky you have a good relationship with your mom-hang on to her and be happy she cares enough about you to want to help all she can.

You're not going to change your father, I'm sorry to have to tell you that. But some day, he's going to see how badly he treated you. I only hope he'll be enough of a man by then to apologize to you. Don't hold a grudge, but don't trust him completely, either. Just go on with your life.

Good luck and keep working on being the best person you can.

Answer 5

Happy belated B-day sweetie! Long answer short, he needs to step up or you have to bridge the gap.

Sure, he has a whole other life now, fine. Should he dismiss his past and everything that goes with it? NO! Sounds to me, like you may just have to remind him of this.

He may seem so occupied with his "current life", that "his past life", doesn't seem so immediate. That's life. It's hectic, it's hell, it offers no rest...does that mean that you don't do the right thing?
Deal with what a true parent would, divorced or not?

You didn't ask to be put in this situation, it's his responsibility as a father to do the right thing. I'd recommend talking to him about it, it you get nowhere, remind him that the descitions he makes now will impact every moment in the future.

Answer 6

Um my biological father is this way too. But all you can do is flat out tell him that it hurts you. You dont have to get mad and yell. But be like hey Dad, ya know I love ya, but when you dont make time for me it really hurts my feelings. I want to be a of your life. When you don't call me, especially on major occasions like my birthday, I dont feel as important. Doesnt mean it will change anything, but its your only chance. Other than maybe talking to his new wife if you have a good relationshiop with her. She might have to usually remind him of these things with other friends and family members, and not realize she should do it when it comes to you. A lot of guys dont remember these things, or dont think they mean that much to us. But trust me it doesnt mean he doesnt love you. I know my dad loves me, but half the time i have to call him every once in a while to make sure hes still alive. (Im really the only family that talks to him). I hope everything works out for the best. ohh and Happy Birthday

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear about your dad's apathy. You may not want to hear what I have to say about this but I think it would be better for you to move on. Keep inviting your dad to all your special occasions but keep your expectations at a minimum so that you can avoid disappointment and having a broken heart if he doesn't show up. Nothing your mom or you can do will motivate him to show up if he really doesn't want to show up. Looks like he's created a whole new life for himself and wants to keep the old one separate from the new. It's tough but sometimes that's the way things happen.

Answer 8

You have to tell him how you feel, make sure you let him know how important it is that he shows love without being kick started by you or someone else. Tell him if he cant change his ways with you, you dont want him as a father anymore, be a little angry but make sense and practice what you are going to say to him and any responses he might have.

Answer 9

I have a father who has been distant and he has another family. I can only say, let things be and if and when he's ready to be a father hopefully it won't be too late for you to accept his attemp.

Shall I continue that this is a good approach but first if you haven't already tell your father through verbal or written communication how you feel about his absence. Than proceed with the following advice.

Sorry girl....I feel your pain.

Answer 10

So you are 18? Well, it may take some time to realize this....you can't change people. You have to accept them for who they are. I know this is probably not what you want to hear. Try to think of all of the positive things about him. Think of the good things and cherish those moments. Not the ones where he let you down. And accept that people do dissapoint one another. You can't make people have initiative. Just be the responsible one. be the mature one. If you have to initiate, so be it. Don't let his faults ruin your relationship.

PS...definately agree with the above statement...you also might just have to remind him.

Answer 11

At least you know your dad!
I am 51yrs old & mine hid from us all his life,since i was 5wks old.When i finally started looking for him again,about 3yrs ago,I found out he died in 1996!
I did meet a half sister out of this,but we are both wondering where our little brother is whom her mom gave up for adoption in 1958.