I'm so torn.. please any advice...?

Question

Maybe someone else has been in this situation and can offer some insight?

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 6 years. We've lived together for 5 of those years. We just moved into our first home together, and are getting ready to "start our lives together" at age 23. After we moved in, I got this feeling like "thats it?" like part of my life just ended or something? All of a sudden I felt not so ready to "settle down". And now I'm worried that the next step is him proposing. He's a great guy, treats me very well. But I can't help these doubts. Is it bad that we've been together for over 6 years and I'm still not sure if he's the one I want to marry?

Any adivce?

I just wanted to mention something as someone brought it up. I do feel like I love him, but I wonder if I am in love with him anymore? I don't know if thats just because we've been together for so long that the "passion" is lacking. Or, if it's indicating something else?

OH.. and I worry about the fact that I've never been "independant" as an adult. I've been with him since I was 16 years old (and living with him since I was 17). I certainly wonder about missing out on other things..

Answer 1

Well, your imagination is telling you that there's something "out there" regarding relationships. That there's a man for you that will excite your senses and make you happy. The truth is that there's not, but everyone has to figure that out for themselves. It's pointless for me to sit here and tell that everything is fine because you won't believe me. A great guy that treats you well is worth his weight in gold, but you're thinking that relationships are supposed to be exciting--bad news,,,there not. They can be satisfying and wonderful, but if you want to be entertained and stimulated, you need to lead an entertaining and stimulating life. Men were not put on this planet as your in-house entertainment system. They're meant to be partners--not performers.

Nonetheless, you have to figure this all out through experience because you need to feel it--not just think it in your head. Dump him and go find Mr. Hot Stuff, who will turn out to be worthless in the long run, and you'll be sorry you passed up on a great guy who treated you well, but the process of being human is making one mistake after another and learning from it--might as well get to it.

Answer 2

If the idea of him proposing fills you with dread, then maybe that's your answer. What's your reaction if I say, how do you feel about spending the rest of your life with him? Are you looking forward to getting old and grey together? If your reaction is negative, then maybe he's the wrong guy.

If you think back, I'm sure you'll agree that you've both done a lot of growing up between 17 and 23. You were kids then, and you're adults now. You may not be the same people you were then. Your goals may have changed, and your dreams may be leading you in different directions to what you expected as a teenager.

If that's the case, and your paths are diverging, then it's only going to get worse. And if you have kids, you may find that it's too late to leave. So think hard about it now.

Answer 3

You have got to talk to him about how you're feeling. If you don't explore what independent life is like, you will always wonder what else is out there. If you guys don't take a break from living together now, you will probably wind up doing it later. You might approach him by telling him the standard "I need some time to find myself". Explain to him that you feel a need to see what life is like as an independent person and that if you didn't take the time to do this now that you will never be able to feel completely satisfied within the relationship. Tell him that it doesn't have anything to do with any shortcomings on his part. Don't tell him the part about not being sure if you are still in love with him-- take the time by yourself to figure out how you really feel before you say anything to him like that.
If you feel like you want to continue to see him romantically be sure to tell him that just because you are getting your own place it doesn't mean that you have to stop seeing each other. Emphasize that your decision is based on your need to know what it is like to be independent and not a rejection of him.

Answer 4

I completely understand. I dated my ex for almost three years and those were all of my college years (our last year we were getting over the breakup but were still very involved in each other's lives). We just got tired of being together for so long, we wondered if we had missed out on a lot of college by being with each other. I suggested seeing other people but that didn't work out so we broke up. It hurt at the time but in hindsight, it was prob. the best thing that we ever decided. Please don't stay with him because it is comfortable. If you are having doubts, chances are he might as well. Maybe you should talk to him about it. And yes, you guys may break up but it's better than being "stuck". Good luck.

Answer 5

Well have you ever dated anybody else other than your boyfriend?
I think these feeling are pretty normal for people. Maybe you two should take some time apart. You've been together for 6 years and if you feel like you don't know if he's the right guy than I would suggest you two take a break. You don't have to totally break up just take time off from each other and meet new people.
If he loves you he'll respect that you wanna take some time off. Hope everything worls out.

Answer 6

You may be feeling a little commitment fear.You may feel as if you know you love this guy but at the same time you are afraid you could miss out on something else out in the single world.But 6 years sounds like a long time.I bet if you were to back out now you would come to your senses and it'll hit you like a ton of bricks.You will think "God I really miss him."but at this moment you may not realize you would feel that way.Maybe you should go
for a vacation alone or if not a vacation maybe
stay with one of your friends or a sister,if you have one.Whatever you do take some time for
yourself and see if you feel like you would like
your life better without him.See what happens and then do what your heart tells you.

Answer 7

Atleast you know you arent ready before you actually married this guy. You are probably afraid to let him know how you feel because it has gone this far, but you should let him know now. If you truly feel that there is something out there that you are missing (probably isnt) You need some time. Doesnt mean you are breaking up with him, you just need to find yourself. You arent doing him or yourself any favors by holding these doubts in. Hope it works out for you!

Answer 8

I think you need some time to see how things go with your new living arrangement. Until you've been living in close quarters with someone for sometime...It's not really fair to judge how things will be. At first things are different...It could take six months to a year before your in a position to decide if this will work for you. Give it time...the answer will be clearer in the months ahead.

Answer 9

I don't think it's bad at all. I've been with my mate,almost as long(5 1/2yrs.). There's something that's making you feel that way(not ready for marriage). If he does propose,let him know,you like things,just the way they are. I love my mate,but don't see us living together. Different things,work for different people. Y.

Answer 10

its a normal feeling i guess. maybe try to take it slow and see how it goes in the next few months... if u still dont feel ready, but still love him, u can just be enganged for another 2 years. if u feel u dont love him enough 2 spead forever with, then u could tell him so that u dont waste more of yoz n his time. Just try to think things thru, i think its the loss of freedom that got u confused, give it time, u will be fine.