Do interfaith relationships always end this badly?

Question

I am happily agnostic and dated a devout Catholic guy for a long time (he was the love of my life). At some point, he decided I was unsuitable/not good enough for marriage or even just casual stuff, but he didn't say anything to me. Instead, he just withdrew, got colder, and kept stringing me along as though we were still still a couple.

In fact, it wasn't until seven months after we broke up that he told me why things got so bad. I had never even known that our differing belief systems was a problem or more than a challenge to be enjoyed. I would have converted if he had pled his case while things were still good between us, but he never gave me the chance to make that decision.

My question is: do interfaith relationships always turn out so negative and hurtful? Is it just a Catholic thing? How common is going through something like this?

Answer 1

Religion does pervert people.

Relationships are more holy than any word of god(man). Anyone who chooses religion over love is a sick and twisted soul.

You're lucky to be rid of him, no matter how sad it makes you.

http://flushaholybook.com

Answer 2

There are many, many interfaith relationships that work. The secret lies in how the two people feel about their religion, which religion they believe in, and how they've been raised.

In every religion, there are people who believe that every other religion is completely wrong and that only their own followers will go to Heaven (or Paradise). But in every religion, there are also people who recognise that even though every religion is different, all the major religions actually worship the same God - they just do it differently.

So if you find yourself in a relationship with someone from a different faith, the first thing you need to do, is determine which kind of person he is. If he believes every other religion is completely wrong, then there's no future. If he recognises that you are each worshipping the same God in your own different way, then there's no reason why it should be a problem.

Of course, you also have to consider the attitude of the family. Your partner may be tolerant, but he may have old-fashioned, intolerant parents. Unless he is a strong person, that can be enough to break up a relationship.

A relationship between someone who is religious and someone who is not, is a different story. If the person is insecure in their belief, they may not want to be around people who express doubts about God, because it makes them feel even more insecure themselves. On the other hand, if the person is very devout, they may feel there's something missing if they can't share the most important thing in their life with their partner. So I'm more doubtful about the long term future of such a partnership.

However, I'm surprised that a devout Catholic didn't engage you in discussions about his religion. After all, an agnostic is someone who keeps an open mind about whether there is a God or not. What a perfect opportunity for him to try to convert you! I suspect religion was not the real reason for the breakup, he just used that as an excuse. He sounds like a coward, since he didn't even have the courage to break up with you honestly. He may be a devout Catholic but that doesn't sound like a Christian thing to do to anyone!

Answer 3

I had a similar experience with someone who hid his fananticism but then did the exact same thing- determined I was not a worthwhile mate, but kept stringing me along. Right down to the loss of interest in sex. Hindsight tells me he is a loser anyway, for many reasons. A mature partner has respect for your beliefs and his; you should not have to "convert" to something anything other than what you believe in. I am a spiritualist, and am successfully dating a Jew right now. I have also had good dating experiences with Hindus, Buddhists, Catholics, and Christians. So no they don't always end badly... it depends on the true soul and spirit of the person you are dating. I think it is likely the guy would have found something else to focus on if the religion issue weren't there (my ex also disliked my politics, even though he did not vote himself, and said he could never marry anyone who had ever been "bisexual", and told me I was too ambitious for having a college degree and wanting to use it). Someone who loves you is going to love YOU, not the you they can convert yuo to.

Answer 4

No, some interfaith relationships do work out. It all depends on how adamant one or both of the people are about their paths and how tolerant they are willing to be as far as the faith of their SO. I've had one or two friends who went through the same thing, but really it's just a matter of talking to your SO about religion and seeing just how open-minded they are before things get too serious. I'm sorry this happened to you, but really they don't all turn out like that.

Answer 5

This usually depends on how devout someone is to their beliefs/religion. Generally, people who consider themselves to be "of a faith" have a general set of values and beliefs that they operate from. Since you claim to be agnostic, your values probably differ quite a bit in some areas compared to that of your boyfriend. This is what makes it hard because the view of what is right or best is often jaded on one side or the other because of the difference in core beliefs. Generally, these types of relationships don't work, unless the person of faith isn't bothered by the other person's value system. Hope this information helps.

Answer 6

Relationships fail for many reasons even if you're of the same faith. It's all got to do with how well your lifestyle and personality match up and also timing plays a factor too. I do however think odds are more stacked in your favour if you agree on common ground such as religion.

Answer 7

I am willing to bet he was very much attracted to you because he found you to be beautiful, charming and intelligent woman. That's why he spent so much time in the relationship. He wanted it to work out. But, religion kept creeping around the corner and it got to him. Religion is the key issue for Catholics (I'm Catholic) and we know that we are meant to find spouses who are also Catholic. Really this relationship should have never been. He should have known better, but I guess he couldn't help himself. Often people date hoping to change another person's views, which never works. Or else hoping the person will decide to change themselves and sometimes we like and feel love for a person for who they are barring the religion thing but in the end, religion always has a way of showing up. It's our conscience that gets us. We have to do what our conscience tells us. The Catholic faith affects every single area of our life and so if your man really was devout he saw this and realized that the relationship would not work in the future of things. Being a devout Catholic means there is no living together, no premarital sex, no birth control (we lovingly accept all of the children we are given), we go to Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation and we want a spouse who will do that with us. We raise our children Catholic which means that we say the rosary together as a family and we teach our children to believe there is a God and so you have to realize that if you are Agnostic, then if your children understand that you don't believe as dad believes, then they will question their faith. Catholics want their children to know for certain what it is that they believe in. Being brought up by two Catholic parents I have never questioned my belief in God. It is very solid. I understand it fully. I really am sorry for your hurt. Being Catholic means that we look for a spouse who will lead us to Heaven. If we are not on the same page with our spouse regarding faith in God, how can this happen? One of good friends is Agnostic also and she was married to a Christian....and well, the marriage did not work out for religious reasons and the divorce left her rather traumatized. My brother is married to a protestant and after all these years and children in the picture he does have regrets although he would never tell his wife that. He just finds it very hard to practice his faith and raise his children Catholic because his wife doesn't see things his way. They accept each other but it is not as fulfilling as when you see things the same way.Try to consider that what happened is best because it saves you from a more miserable future. I know it hurts very much and I am so very sorry for you. I will pray that you may find peace.....

Answer 8

He screwed up, You are better off without him. If he could not accept you for what you are and did not even have the guts to be honest, your lucky to be rid of him.

I would not let this affect your ability to trust guys. He was a confused looser at best. I was raised Catholic and my wife is not even sure that there is a God and we have been together for 40 years. Go find your self a real man who loves you and appreciates you just the way that you are.

Love and blessings
don

Answer 9

Just two stories:

My Aunt was a good Catholic and my Uncle a Holocaust survivor and involved in the local Jewish community. She became activity involved but never converted, and he always supported her to stay in the Catholic Church.

Our friends are Jewish and Muslim (Both are non practicing).

It depends on the couple and I think your ex acted like a jerk and it has nothing to do with religion.

Answer 10

It depends on the people.
I went through the same thing, and it was so painful for me. I am not catholic, and neither was he, but after three years and a month before our wedding he decided he could not be my husband and have children with me because of our religion differences.
So, I feel your pain, but like I said before, it depends on the person and how they are willing to compromise with the difference in religion.

Answer 11

I have been happily married to a Catholic for 20 years we just celebrated out aniversary yesterday, i am a protestant. So they do work. We have had our disagreements over the years regarding religion but we both appreciate each others views