How can I forgive a patent for abuse?

Question

Growing up my mother always told me she wished I had died. That I was too much like my real dad. I had mental and physcal abuse. My step father even sexually assulted me when I was 7. She said it was my fault. I asked her one time if she did not love me why did she take me from my father-she said to hurt him. Now that she has died people are telling me I have to forgive her for all she has done. I do not see how I can. I still have a lot of painful scars from her and my step father and even my older sister. I did find my real dad and he was a wonderful man. I grew to love him very much. I lost him a year ago to cancer I miss him so much, but my mother has been gone almost 12 years and I really do not miss her. Am I wrong? Should I forgive her? And how does one do that? There is a lot of pain from what she has done.

Answer 1

FORGIVE HER SO YOU CAN MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE. JUST REALIZE THAT SHE WAS A BITTER UNHAPPY PERSON WHO TOOK HER ANGER OUT ON YOU..

YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON WITH YOUR WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF YOU , LOOK FORWARD,NEVER LOOK BACK.TRY TO REALIZE THAT YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON THAN SHE WAS..SMILE & KNOW THAT YOUR FATHER LOVED YOU..

Answer 2

First of all, I am so glad that you found your real father and were able to see what it is like to have a loving parent. I am sorry that he is gone, but I am glad for you that you met and grew to love him.

Your mother had some very serious issues of her own. As a child that is very hard to deal with and not much consolation for the abuse that you had to endure. You are definitely not wrong for the feelings that you have toward your mother - your feelings are warranted. And you should give yourself permission to feel angry about the way that you were treated.

I think that a good therapist would help you deal with all the issues that you have regarding the abuse that you suffered as a child. You will not ever forget it, but you can come to terms with it and move on. Then, and only then, you will be able to deal with your feelings about your mother. You may be able to separate the behavior of your mother from the person - the abuse versus the person who did not know how to love and take care of you. It may have been a need for parenting education; it may have been a mental disorder or drug/alcohol abuse; it could have been many, many things.

When you get some help and begin to deal with these issues, you will feel better and it will prevent you from consciously or unconsciously passing these issues on to your own children.

Good luck to you, and remember that no matter what happened to you, it wasn't your fault. You now have the power to make some really significant changes to your life.

Answer 3

When you grow up with that kind of abuse it is very hard to forgive. You need to heal your scars before anyone can expect you to forgive anyone. What you have to do is heal yourself then if you find in time you can forgive your mother it will come in time but now you just have to deal with yourself . People think it is easy to forgive someone for pain they cause just because they are no longer living. Forgivness of that kind should be given when they are alive to work it out with you so you both can deal with the pain that was given by her. Do not worry what other people think do what is right for you

Answer 4

To forgive is to move on in your life off course no one is suggestion that you should not forget the abuse you received as a child for one second. Count your blessing that you got in contact with your father and had a good relationship with him before he died. Your are a very special person and what your mother said and did to you as a child was wrong no excuse there. Don't be feeling guilty about no missing your mother. Remember it was her role to protect her child which she didn't do. Remember she was the adult not you. I wish you very success in your future

Answer 5

You should forgive her, yes. It will begin your healing, and help it along. We should always forgive those that have hurt us.. and then, let it go. That doesn't mean you're going to forget.. sooner or later, as you age, it will come back.. along with all the emotions and pain.. but remind yourself that you forgave them.. and let it go again.
This is said from experience..
There is a book out called 'Beauty for Ashes' by Joyce Meyer -
http://www.joycemeyer.org - When I began to read it, I will admit to feeling all the raw emotions again, and threw the book across the room.. but press on, and continue to read, and heal.
The road is going to be rough, but you can make it.. just know that all those that went through it, will always walk with you.
Again, read the book, and check out the site I gave you.
I'm sorry that your time with your father was so short..

@}--'---,-------

Answer 6

Though forgiveness is not easy, not forgiving and holding a grudge hurts you. No, you don't have to forgive her, but you do have to let her go. Stop blaming her or your step-father for any problems you may now suffer. Take responsibility for your own life, your decisions, and how you react to things in life. Your mother sounds like she was a selfish, self-centered psychopath who was only concerned with herself. I wouldn't lose any sleep over her. She is gone and can't hurt you anymore, so just bury her in your mind and go on with your life. By doing so you "forgive" her for her ignorance and cruelty.

Answer 7

Nobody deserves to be hurt like that from a parent.. your own flesh and blood who conceived you and brought you into this world. Thats horrible. She doesnt need to be forgiven.. she probably doesnt even want to be forgiven. Have you ever read the book called "A Child Called It"? It sounds just like your story.. and he wanted to forgive his mom and be a normal family.. but he realized that life is so much better without her in his life. Your mother had no right to abuse you in such a way and doesn't deserve the slightest bit of respect from you.

Answer 8

We have a lot in common.

I hate my mother. I forgive her, but I still hate her. When she dies I am not going to her funeral. I am a middle child of 7 and I'm sure there will be talk, but it will be healing and closure for me. To attend a funeral, I would have to have liked, loved, or respected the person and I feel none of those for her.

I am who I am today because of the way I was treated. She is directly responsible. I can't change what has happened - no one can do that, but I can say to myself and the world when she dies, f_ _ _ you.

Answer 9

Forgivness is overrated. I am sure all of the pain in your life has molded you into you are today. If you accept yourself for who you are today, then do not even bother to think of your mother again.

If you feel that you are not happy with yourself, than maybe forgiving your mother is the best way to go.

Answer 10

no you are not wrong!!!! bless your heart. i dont think i can ever forgive. but you have got to forgive, but you dont have to forget. if you have children just do the opposite. or if you are planning on having children just remeber the pain and love them even more, but hon, you have one life to live and she cant hurt you anymore so make the rest of your life wonderful. and get counceling. good luck

Answer 11

sorry to hear about your rocky childhood. but it seems like you have found the one true parent that loved you. and you can at least thank your mom for giving you such a wounderful "father" but for the rest of it i would let it lay in the ground with her bury the hatched sort of speaking. and go on with your life .