Does taking a child to visit a parent in prison help or hurt the child in the long run?

Question

Just curious. My ex husband is in prison and I won't take our daughter to see him. I did it once during his first time in prison and that was a big mistake. He went back for a second time and I refused to subject our child to that again. He thinks that I am so wrong for this but I think that he is so wrong for not being a law abiding citizen who works hard and tries to set a good example for our daughter. She is 11, bright, funny, caring, loving...a sweetie pie. He won't be free again before she's an adult. I hate that she is having to grow up without a father but I don't see how taking her to the prison is going to help her. What are your thoughts on this?

Answer 1

Never take her to see him again. He is the one who has committed a crime and in jail. He certainly wasn't thinking of her when he decided to be a criminal. He has made his choices in life and needs to pay the consequences. She is better off without him. As an Adult, if she wants to see him, then that is her choice. Maybe by that time he will be a reformed man and she can get to know the man, not the criminal. Also, jail is fill with rapists, child molesters and murderers. Do you want those men to be able to even look at your daughter? She'll be hitting puberty soon and I certainly wouldn't some convicted molester eying up my child. You made the mistake twice taking her to see her father, please don't do it again. His requests and needs don't matter. Your daughter is the only one that does, and I repeat, she is better off without him.

Answer 2

My husband is in prison, but we do not have children. He is in prison due to past drug use and had been clean, but still had a violation of probation, basically he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Anyways!!! I hear where you are coming from.

My suggestion is to evaluate the situation and consider find a support group for people who have loved ones in prison for ideas. Your daughter is old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. She is old enough to also make up her mind if she wants to see her father. He is ALWAYS going to be her father. Also take in consideration about severity of the crime that he committed too.

People do change and turn their lives around. Other people continue back on the same road and wind up back in prison. Personally I feel if I had a child I would bring him or her to see their father at least once or twice a year. When they are adults, they will decide for themselves if they want a relationship or not, however they need to know the truth also.

If you need support and someone to talk to, feel free to email me, I can also give you resources for emailing groups to join as well.

Answer 3

Not knowing all the circumstances its hard to put an answer to this question. My sense is that the first time around you try to keep him in contact with you daughter to the extent you are able. Second time around sounds like major time and I guess the ball is in your court. Sounds like you daughter has adjusted to life without him around, maybe that's where it needs to stay.... I know what those places are like, spent time in a federal prison 30 some years ago, remember the visiting days and seeing families come in and the craziness to the visiting lounge. Its not a great place to bring a child although it goes on all the time. I think your doing the right thing, stay the course!!!

Answer 4

Im terribly iffy on this too! I do agree with you that a child her age- should NOT be subjected to searches and all the other crap that goes with visitation at a prison. I think they could communicate by telephone and letters on a weekly basis so they still have some sort of relationship. I understand him wanting to his daughter but he should also see this is NOT the way he wants her to remember him when she thinks of him. Stick to your guns and keep her away from that place unless they have some kind of summer thing where they can see the kids in the outside setup and NOT the usual behind bars thing! Your being a great mom! Keep it up

Answer 5

She is his daughter, and at 11, she is generally considered by the courts to be competant to have a voice in visitation matters. If she wants to see him and you prevent it, she will learn to hate you for that.
I am a regular visitor at a maximum security facility in California and see kids of all ages there all the time. The children are too wrapped up in their own visits to even notice their surroundings.
As to subjecting them to searches... I take it then, that you don't fly with your children? The searches at the airport are far more invasive than those done when processing in to visit an inmate and the security staff at the airport do not joke around with the young ones to try to make it go down easier, as I routinely see the Correctional Officers do with children processing in.
I say if she wants a relationship with her father, you have an obligation to promote it. Maybe you could arrange for her to go with a grandparent or other relative from his side of the family, so that you don't have to interact with your ex.

Answer 6

I think you are right on the money with this.
Should I be in your shoes, the last place I would want my 11 yr old daughter to go to is a prison.
These men are murders, rapists, drug dealers, and pedophiles. They are horny and they in the majority would look at your baby like a piece of meat.
I can't imagine a real father wanting a child to be subjected to that kind of environment. Obviously, he thinks only of himself and she is much better off not knowing a selfish man as her father.
You hold your ground on this. I wouldn't even send him pictures. Your imagination would be good enough to realize what they could be used for.
A little known fact;
It is extremely rare for a police officer to have pictures of his family on his desk, or in his wallet. Why?
Because, criminals have been known to threaten and to act out against a cops family. But in order to do that, they need to know what they look like.
Con's are no different, actually they are worse. Revenge is the glue that binds enemies.
Get my drift here?

Answer 7

I served 10 year's in prison as well and one of the most important thing's to someone doing time is their family. Someone who will stand by them, no matter what the circumstance's. He's trying to be a father even where he is and that's more than I can say for most men. Give him a chance I know I'd hate to see my baby grow up in picture's.

Answer 8

If she is 11, no offense, but you need to stop treating her like a baby. Sit down and talk with her about the situation and let her decide if she wants to go see her dad. My dad went to prison when i was 6 and my mom wouldnt let me go see him til i was 14. I am still very angry with her for it because i asked her to go see him and she said no that it was in my best interest. An 11 year old is capable of understanding that her dad did something cad and is in prison and can decide whether or not she wants to see him. Good luck.

Answer 9

I agree with you. I grew up going to prisons to visit family members and it was very hard on me. She is old enough to have a say in the matter. No reason to subject her to those kinds of memories or images. If she chooses let her keep in contact through letters. Seems like you are doing a great job on raising alone....stay strong!!!!

Answer 10

Well, I think that one solution that could work is for your daughter and her father to correspond via postal mail. Her dad should be concerned about the psychological impact that seeing him in that environment would have on his little girl- especially if she is aware of what his crimes were.

I am not saying that you should do this out of spite, nor to punish her dad- I am saying this for the welfare and peace of mind of your daughter. It would be to the dad's benefit to see his daughter- but it would be to her detriment, in my opinion.

Stick to your guns. You are in the right. He needs to learn his lesson this time. He has to face the music, and take it like a man.

Good luck with this matter.