How do YOU handle backtalking from your teen? My daughter is 13 and OMG she is driving me crazy!!?

Question

Please help my daughter is rebelling and i am not sure how to handle it. She was a very good kid before she turned 12/13. Then the mood swings (when she don't get her way or something she wants) and backtalking started. I would love to try something besides smacking..any comments would be nice except smart *** ones. Thanks in advance.

Wow the feedback is awesome. So many things i can try. Everything is great!!..Thank you all

Answer 1

I honestly feel for you, I have a daughter and two sons and once they hit their teens it seemed liked every thing they were told to do had to be challenged thank god they are grown now. The best way to handle this is by taking privileges away and gradually taking more until they realize that if they want to be treated with respect they must give respect, just don't cave in when they start begging, crying or arguing be firm in your decision. I remember one thing my Mom told me when I was younger and that was "I hope your kids are just like you " man that one came true with interest.

Answer 2

I think there are some good answers here already.

Most important is to remember that she's at the stage where her mind and body are changing so rapidly that even SHE doesn't have a clue what's going on most of the time. You need to be the grown-up, no matter how tempting it is to respond on her level.

My advice, having raised two boys of my own and being the step parent of teenaged twins (boy and girl) would be as follows:

1) Resist the temptation (powerful as it may be) to smack her in any way, shape, or form. First, it doesn't work - just makes her all the more vengeful toward you and determined to oppose you at every turn. Second, if you use physical punishment on a child this old it will eventually get you in trouble and undermine your ability to impose discipline at all. There is nothing like hearing the teenager holler, "I'm going to call the child welfare on you!", and believe me, if she has friends her own age she will have heard this one.

2) Those who have said to take away a privilege for each offense, and to stick with it are right on. Telephones and computers are important tools to kids this age and sometimes removing them can be even more effective than the traditional "grounding".

3) Remain calm and deal with the anger you must be feeling at another time. Raising the temperature will just raise her level of anger and escalate the conflict. Somebody once told me, "Never punish your child when you're angry" and it's probably the best piece of child-rearing advice I ever got.

4) Keep the punishment fitted to the crime but don't ever, ever give in once you've imposed the sentence. A simple smart-mouthed remark isn't, IMHO, cause for grounding for a week, but an immediate removal of telephone privileges for the day might be very suitable. It's important not to give in on the sentencing after she has the inevitable mood swing and comes back with "I love you Mommy!" You can't let her develop the pattern of being hell on wheels one second and talking herself out of it the next. This will not serve her well in her future life as an adult.

The only reassurance I can give you is that "this too shall pass", even if it's not soon enough for your taste and your mental health! Plenty (most?) parents have issues like this and both they and their children survive. Hang in there Mom!

Answer 3

I know where you are coming from and it looks like many are giving you some good information.

My son, 13, was and is going through the same situation with me and my wife. Good kid, but many mood swings. Part of being a young or new teenager.

Here's what we have done.
1. Make sure you listen to them. There's always root cause for their frustrations and rebellion.
2. Don't argue with them. You're an adult and you're adding fuel to the fire on attempting to get an upper hand. Oh, by the way, they learn from you on how to act and then win arguments.
3. Set rules that both of you agree on. Unfortunately, Our way or the highway message for kids just doesn't work. Setting rules that you both have agreed upon when broken, won't point to you.
4. Show compassion. It's a learning phase for these kids and they may not appreciate it today, but come time when they bring the grand kids over or are pushing you in your wheelchair, they will let you know then how much it is appreciated. It's a long term investment!

Hang in there Mom!

Answer 4

You're not going to want to hear this, but you have 3-4 more years of this. My advice is to have clear rules and definite consequences. Don't give her an inch. If her curfew is at 10:00, and if she is late she is grounded for the weekend, and she is home at 10:01, she's grounded. It will make a monster at first, but once she knows what to expect she'll be nicer.

Then you need to keep her busy and invested in making something of her future. Keep her involved in something physical (so she can take out her hormones on something other than you): sports, dance, gymnastics, whatever. Also make sure she realizes how important academics are. Try to set her up with a mentor (a successful college student or high school senior) to talk to her once a week. Just about 'girl stuff'. If she is invest in herself she is less likely to do drug and have unsafe sex. This means she is more likely to go to college and become a productive adult.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

You have to lay down the law and discipline her big time. But also remember that she needs a good cop and a bad cop. You and your husband should take roles and one be the good one and the other be the "bad" one who doles out the discipline. She still needs someone to talk to in case some really bad things like her getting pregnant occur, etc. YOu have to be consistent in your discipline but also be there for her.

You can't let her win, her entire life depends on how strong of a parent you are. Do you really want her to grow up a spoiled child who will throw a tantrum every time she doesn't get what she wants? This is what parenting is all about and you're about to hit final exams. Only 5 more years until you kick her out and she's on her own, so you really have to save your best parenting for now.

Answer 6

Sometimes it is a hard thing to do, girls do rebel around that age. She is trying to assert her own authority, gain respect, and gain some rights. One thing you might want to try is going out with her to dinner, or a lunch, or a day of hair styling and nail care, whatever, and just talking with her about things going on in her life. Talk to her about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and sex at such a young age. Even though you may not think it effects your child, these things touch everyone at some point in time, and it is better to educate and inform now then later. Let her know that she is entering her teenage years and as she gets older she does have her rights, but she also has responsibilities. Without responsibilities, rights are nothing. If she wants a raise in her allowance, ask her why, and what she will do in return to get that raise. Will she do her own laundry? Iron her own clothing? Take out the garbage on selcet nights? Clean her room? help keep the house clean? What does she have to do to earn more rights. If she wants more freedom to go out with her friends lay some ground rules, like calling you to let you know where she is, set a curfew, and get to know her friends before you let her go out with them. Let her know that you want to meet them and get to know them, tell her she can have a pizza party at your home, or a movie night, something that you will be a small part of to make sure nothng you wuld disapprove of is going on.
What ever you do, keep to your word no matter what. If you say "no", then "no" is "no". Don't give in because she yells at you or says hurtful things. You are not her friend, you are her mother. Lastly, be aware of any changes that may be occurring in her life, change in friends, school studies, etc etc. You don't want her becoming addicted to drugs or alcohol.

Answer 7

OMG my 13 year old is the same way. Oh she makes me want to pull my hair out sometimes. A lot of the time I try to be calm and ask her if she realizes that she has a smart mouth, and she tells me no. I really don't think that she realizes it. Also sometimes I keep asking her the question until she answers me in a calm voice. What is wrong with these kids these days, I was scared to death of my mom growing up, and she never put a hand on me. It was just the tone of her voice that scared me. I wish my daughter was scared of me a little bit. It sure would help. Good luck to you. :)

Answer 8

Stop hitting her right now. It simply won't do any good and frankly she will use it like a weapon to hurt you later on. It shows her she is in control and you are out of control.

Teens are like 2yr olds, they don't respond to anything unless you prove it to them. You HAVE to be firm and consistant, if you aren't she will find your weak spots and use them against you.

This is the beginning of her struggle to seperate from you and how that seperation goes is really up to you. You can spend the next 10 years struggling or you can act swiftly right now and set the tone of the future.

Spell things out to her, tell her exactly what she is responsible for in the house, in her school work, and within the family. Then decide what the consequences are. Don't be punative, this is that baby you wanted so much 13yrs ago and this is the part of parenting no one tells you about. This is the real job.

Be punishment appropriate, take things away for a set period of time, and then STICK to it. Don't say things like "you are never watching TV again!", that just makes you seem stupid because its not true and you both know it. Say "Until your room is clean, you cannot use the TV, the computer or go out with friends". But let her have some music on (and don't comment on how awful it is) while she cleans up. If she doesn't do it, then stick to your guns, no TV, no computer and no social life. Don't bribe her to do the things she needs to do anyway, housework, homework, going to family functions. But do take her shopping on a girls Saturday and buy her a new outfit or have her nails done. If she behaves herself, let her invite a friend the next time and take them out to lunch.

Its all about you being the parent but realizing that you are training your daughter to be an adult. Its really really hard because alot of times their maturity level doesn't keep up with their bodies. You just have to be consistant and that way she will always know what to expect.

This is alittle long, but I feel really strong about this issue. Been there, done that, and mine are 23 and I'm very happy as to how they turned out. I feel respected and loved and from one of them, that is a complete miracle.

Good luck with your daughter.

Answer 9

This is something that is not in the "How to be a good perent" book, There are many ways to take action with a teen in this fase of thire life but no one can point a finger to a sersific one and say this is the one you should use. There is a lot of material on the handleing of this and other situation that have not yet acured but will soon. Try googleing "focus on the family" you will find a lot of help there as well as other links from there.

Good luck and my prayers are with you. (no jokes)

Answer 10

She just wants things her way, that's all. You and I both know that it's not right to submit to her tantrums and demands.

Arguing with her isn't going to help much because the arguments will just get more heated and probably erupt into a violent fight eventually.

Use the soft approach first. If she argues, drop her a note in her lunch bag or her writing desk. Tell her how much her arguing is driving you two apart. Tell her honestly that you feel hurt and ask her why she had to resort to arguing with you. Was it because you weren't spending enough time with her? Or was it because you didn't respect her increasing boundary as a teenager? Also, in your note, remind her how much you love her and recall a particular time when you doted on her when she was younger. In your eyes, she will always be the best daughter ever.