Can anyone help me out with some good religious jokes??

Answer 1

A priest was playing golf with a guy and when the guy tried to hit the ball he missed and said;
"Damn. I missed!"
and the priest said; "Don't say that. God will strike you dead with lightning."
So the guy tried to hit the ball again, missed, and said; "Damn. I missed again!"
"If you say that one more time God will strike you dead with lightning." said the priest.
So he tried again and when he missed for the third time he said "Damn it I missed!"
And a bolt of lightning came down from the sky and hit the priest.
And God said; "Damn it. I missed!"

Answer 2

You can go to beliefnet.com and get some..

I think these saying of students who were misinformed are cute:

Jokes!!

1) Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
2) Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brothers birthmark.
3) One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
4) The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies.
5) They traveled by Camelot.
6) Moses led the Israelites to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
7) David was a Hebrew King who fought the Philatelists.
8) Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
9) John Milton wrote Paradise lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise regained. (sad really)

Non- Bible miss quotes from students;..

1) Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.
2) Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing his cats backwards. Franklin died in 1790 and his cat is still dead.
3) The Greeks invented 3 kinds of columns--Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
4) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled, the biscuits and threw the java.
5) The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.
6)Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.
7) Eventually the Ramones conquered the Greeks.
8) Nero was a cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
9) In the Middles ages, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the battle of Hastings.
10) Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw.
11) The magna carta provided that no one be hanged twice for the same offense.
12) William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
13) In the Renaissance, Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences.
14) He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.
15) Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
16) Miguel Cervantes wrote 'Donkey Hote.'
17) Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic.
18) His ships were the Nina, the Pinta and the Sante Fe.
19) One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was that the English put tacks in their tea.
20) Madam Curie discovered radium.

Answer 3

The Dalai Lama goes to the Vatican & to visit the Pope, & the two of them get into an argument over which one is the 1 true religion: Buddhism or Christianity.

After arguing for several hours, the Dalai Lama makes this suggestion: "I know how we can resolve this. Let's hold a golf tournament. I will bring one of my monks, & you bring one of your's. If Buddhism is the true one, the Buddha will help my monk win. But, if Christianity is the true one, Jesus Will help your monk win.

The Pope agrees to this suggestion.

Later on, when considering what he suggested, it occurred to the Dalai Lama that none of his Buddhist monks were good golf players. He thinks to himself "I'll bet some of those Christian monks are very, very good. What am I going to do?" Then he decides "I know, I will convert Arnold Palmer to Buddhism, & then make him a monk, so that he will be able to play."

The Dalai Lama does exactly this.

Not longer after was the big tournament which was held in Scotland. At the end of the day, Lama Palmer goes to visit the Dalai Lama. "So, how did the game go? Did you win?"

"I'm afraid not," replied Lama Palmer.

"WHAT?!?!?!" cried the Dalai Lama, "DON'T tell me you lost to some old Christian monk?!?!?!"

"Not just any Christian monk, your holiness," said Lama Palmer. "I lost to Br. Woods!!"

Answer 4

They are old but here goes.

What are gods favorite sports ? Baseball and tennis. Genesis says in the beeg-inning and tennis was played in the courts of David.

What kind of car does God drive ? A Plymouth. After Adam and Eve sinned in the garden of Eden we read that God drove them out in his FURY.

Christ though was more environmentally conscious, He drove a economic-all car and believed in car pooling. We know this because the NT say we must all be in one ACCORD.

Answer 5

After the flood Noah was sending off all the animals two by two, telling them: "Go forth and multiply". "Go forth and multiply". ....When the last of the critters had gone off Mr and Mrs. Noah went back into the ark to take a last look around. Inside huddled in a corner were a pair of snakes.Noah says to the snakes: "What are you doing here? Didn't I tell you to go forth and multiply??" They replied: We Can't--we're adders.

Answer 6

http://jokes.christiansunite.com

The Heart

"Tomorrow morning," the surgeon began, "I'll open up your heart..."

"You'll find Jesus there," the boy interrupted.

The surgeon looked up, annoyed "I'll cut your heart open," he continued, to see how much damage has been done..."

"But when you open up my heart, you'll find Jesus in there," said the boy.

The surgeon looked to the parents, who Sat quietly. "When I see how much damage has been done, I'll sew your heart and chest back up, and I'll plan what to do next."

"But you'll find Jesus in my heart. The Bible says He lives there. The hymns all say He lives there. You'll find Him in my heart."

The surgeon had had enough. "I'll tel! l you what I'll find in your heart. I'll find damaged muscle, low blood supply, and weakened vessels. And I'll find out if I can make you well."

"You'll find Jesus there too. He lives there."

The surgeon left.

The surgeon sat in his office, recording his notes from the surgery, "...damaged aorta, damaged pulmonary vein, widespread muscle de generation. No hope for transplant, no hope for cure. Therapy: painkillers and bed rest. Prognosis:, " here he paused, "death within one year."

He stopped the recorder, but there was more to be said. "Why?" he asked aloud. "Why did You do this? You've put him here; You've put him in this pain; and You've cursed him to an early death. Why?"

The Lord answered and said, "The boy, My lamb, was not meant for your flock for long, for he is a part of My flock, and will forever be. Here, in My flock, he will feel no pain, and w! ill be comforted as you cannot imagine. His parents will one day join him here, and they will know peace, and My flock will continue to grow."

The surgeon's tears were hot, but his anger was hotter. "You created that boy, and You created that heart. He'll be dead in months. Why?"

The Lord answered, "The boy, My lamb, shall return to My flock, for He has Done his duty: I did not put My lamb with your flock to lose him, but to retrieve another lost lamb."

The surgeon wept.. The surgeon sat beside the boy's bed; the boy's parents sat across from him. The boy awoke and whispered, "Did you cut open my heart?"

"Yes," said the surgeon.

"What did you find?" asked the boy.

"I found Jesus there," said the surgeon

Answer 7

Sure, George Bush, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, FUX News

Answer 8

I know one...

A Rabbi and a Priest were planning on meeting up with other religious leaders in the area, so, they were talking to eachother over the phone about it.

"Hey," the Priest says. "How about I bring some Alter Boys for after the meeting."

"Why?" Asks the Rabbi.

"To screw." States the Priest.

"Over what?" Inquires the Rabbi.

- 16 yo Pagan

Answer 9

A priest and some of his altar boys are up in a plane when the engine gives out. As the plane begins to fall, the pilot puts on a parachute and gets ready to jump.

The priest says "What about the kids?"

The pilot says "Screw the kids!"

The priest gets excited and says "Do we have time?"

Answer 10

Go to the Joke section of Yahoo's Q&A.