Should I help my daughter w/ books & clothes for college even though she doesn't have time for me in her life?

Question

My daughter at age 17 moved out of my house and into her mothers house, basically because I have rules and I admit they may have been somewhat tight at times. Ever since then "Jessica" doesn't make any effort to make any contact with us. My son still comes over every other week and even makes an effort to spend time with us (wife, and younger kids) on his "off" weeks. This year I have seen Jessica (whom I truely do love more than anything, and do miss everyday) only about 10 times, with a total of about 20 hours. Now she has come forward and asked If I will pay for her books for college, and give her money for school clothes. I am really torn about this issue. I feel that I am obligated to help my daughter in anyway that I can financially can, but I also feel that my daughter has an obligation to keep in contact with her family. What would you do in this situation? I have tried to keep in contact with Jessica, but she seems like she just doesn't have "time".

forgot to mention she moved out 2 years ago she is now 19....so this has been going on for two years now...

Answer 1

Remember that 17 is a hard time for girls, they have friends at school and possibly a job. Don't alienate her now as you will find out that she will come back around. Especially as she grows up. She was probably angry about what she thought were silly rules but someday she will realize that you only were trying to protect her. Mention to her that you would like to see her more and that you miss her. even if that means just you and her go grab a bite to eat every now and then.

Answer 2

I hear that you are not only frustrated, but hurt. It is apparent that you love her and care for her very much, and only want what is best for her, no doubt about that. I know you don't agree with her choice of school, education plans, and perhaps some personal choices at the moment, but these are choices that she is making in her life right now. She is learning through her choices. Sometimes the hard way. You learned the hard way. So did I. And look at what better people we have become for it. But I wouldn't recommend using your relationship, or lack of, as a tool to try to get her to respond. It will only make matters worse. I know that you think right now they can't get any worse, but trust me, they could. When she becomes a mature adult, she will realize who is the stable adult in her life and gave her what she needed most; she will realize that person is and always has been you. Sometimes we just have to wait for the prize. So, that being said, I'm going to say this: I know that Jess has a job. And I also know that she does a really good job a blowing her money and not saving it. So, perhaps you may want to first let her know that you will pay for it this semester ONLY because her education needs to be her #1 priority. Then, tell her you would be willing to show her how to budget her money so that she will be prepared for such expenses when next semester rolls around, or help her complete student loan/financial aid forms. I do not believe that parents are under any umbrella of obligation to pay for college expenses for their children, unless those parents are extremely wealthy and have the means to do so. If she is in a bind and would have to drop out for a semster because of financial concerns and you can help her, that is a different matter; then help her... but don't withhold your help because you miss her. On the other hand, don't continue to help her after this semester either... it will only enable her to be dependent on others rather than learning to be self-reliant. Tough love works.

Answer 3

properly, she needs new clothing, what youthful woman does not? this is a baby we are talking about, not someone of an age the position we assume sacrifice, sensibility, and propriety. Like many childrens, she probably cares about her own desires, and does not imagine about, or perhaps favor to imagine about, the vast image (the position different human beings remember. Sorry, i do not advise his daughter is a foul individual, I purely advise that youthful childrens are frequently egocentric). obviously, getting you your books is the sensible element to do, yet as you stated, you're operating on some monetary situations at present that are hurting anybody, his daughter as well, and in view that of this there is even this talk to commence with. My advice: i'm not particular what element direction you're taking, yet each classification I have ever taken formerly grad college, there became continuously a pair books placed on reserve through the professor on the library that no individual became allowed to envision out (in ordinary words borrow for periods of hours so as that the e book would not vanish even as different scholars like it in the course of the semester). If available, then do this, flow study on the library. you do not favor to own it, even with that being a lot extra accessible. difficult situations call for difficult measures. If that doesn't artwork, then you truthfully have gotten to make a compromise (per chance purchase in ordinary words countless the biggest textbooks you want and get something else even as extra money is offered in), or purely placed your foot down and talk your fiance into letting you employ all the money on books. i'm leaning in the direction of shopping for his daughter the garments through how. particular, clothing at the on the spot are not as major as textbooks for a direction, yet they're fairly major to her I imagine, exceptionally if she has not had new clothing for awhile. i'm 25 even with the undeniable fact that, i'm in grad college, and that i do not have childrens. i'm not particular what i'd actual finally end up doing in this concern. I do purely fantastic with out direction textbooks very frequently. Which makes me suspect you could too.

Answer 4

Here is a similar story. My daughter decided to live with her dad at the age of 16 because she didn't like my rules. My son stayed with me. Over the years my daughter would not have anything to do with me. I would call her at least once a month for her to hang up on me. I always told her I loved her no matter what. She also needed money for college. Her dad took me to court to get it. I still called at least once a month. After 6 years she had something tragic happen at work and called me to talk! It took that long, but the flood gates opened and we are great friends now. She calls me almost every day just to check up on me and make sure everything is OK. Did I want to pay the money for college at that time? No. I could barely buy groceries and it was quite a hardship on my son and I. But I will tell you that they eventually grow up and realize what they have missed by ignoring one parent. It was worth the hardship to keep the lines of communication open for the time she decided to use them.

Answer 5

Sounds like you two are going through a rough patch. It won't last forever. I strongly advise you to help your daughter with her college expenses though. She asked for your help. I didn't have much time for my parents during my college years, mainly this was because I was working two jobs and going to college full time because they did not help me pay for literally anything. I never saw a penny from either of them. I can't say I don't resent them for their lack of financial help, especially my dad, as I came to him and asked him for help and he did have the money available. I felt he didn't value my trying to improve myself and in some sneaky way was trying to hinder my success. By not helping your daughter you would discourage her and she'll always remember you didn't help her when she needed you. Especially seeing as she trusted you enough to come to you. If you don't help her you'll regret it one day. I say you give her the money and when you do mention you miss her and maybe try to have a little heart to heart, "What happened to us?" convo. You should make the first move as you are her dad. But validate her opinions. She will always be thankful for the help you give her, even if she doesn't let you know right away.

Answer 6

Well, what you do is your choice--but when we help people, we should do it Expecting Nothing in Return. At least thats how I live my life.

As a human being--you should always help your family for the love of God, not because that person is being nice to you. Thats your flesh and blood for God's Sake.

One reason why I am so strongly and fiercely Independant is because I absolutley despise the fact that if a man does anything for me, he will immeditaly expect me to act and behave in a certain way---and those "priveledges" will be cut off if I dont do all of what he expects me to by not being "nice" and "sweet" as he expects me to be...You are probably a decent man, and even you are willing to cut your own daughter off for not visiting you enough.

I made a vow to only get married after I am able to buy my own house, pay 100% of all the bills in any house I live in-- and depend on a man for NOTHING--even if we are married. I own and control Me.

If you dont help your daughter--she immediately know that she is being "punished" for not being as nice to Daddy as she should have been--tsk, tsk, tsk..But I guarantee you that if she has any intelligence, that will be her defining moment where she sees learns the one of the most valuable lessons any woman can learn in life---That no man, no matter how much you love him, is to be depended on. And that the only person a woman can depend on in life is HERSELF.

Or--if she is attractive, she may indeed find a man who is willing to pay for her books and clothes. And if you are her father and you expect certain things from her for your help--I can only imagine what he will expect of her.

Peace

Answer 7

I think that the best thing you can do now is to offer to be there for her, if she needs anything she will ask for help. I think she needs to go out and get a job, even if it's part-time at McDonald's, she needs to learn the value of money and what things cost instead of asking you for money all the time--you can still help if necessary.

Answer 8

sorry you're going through this but don't hold back to punish her or use it as some kind of a bargain tool. If she truly needs it then give it without expecting anything in return. One day she'll realize how much you love her. I fshe doesn't at least you were there when she really needed you. I hope everything goes well

Answer 9

Once a child turns 18 a parent is no longer legally required to provide for that child. Parents are certainly under no obligation whatsoever to provide anything for college especially for an ungrateful child like yours. If one of my children didn't have time for me then I wouldn't have time to help.

Answer 10

She is your daughter, your own flesh and blood, and even if she has no time to see you more often, the fact still remains that she is your child. As a mother, you not only has a legal obligation but also moral obligation to help her go through college and maintain and support her. I can tell you want to do your part as a parent so just do it for her sake.