When a husband dies, should the wife tell all his friends via email?

Question

I recently found out that a very good friend of mine died 3 weeks ago, from his wife who sent out a mass e-mail from his account telling people "please delete him from your contacts as he is no longer with us"...is this too cold and impersonal, or am I just annoyed that I didn't know for over three weeks (couldn't send a card, flowers, et.)?

Answer 1

I agree that it's extremely insensitive of her to inform all of her husbands friends in this manner. They, like you, might have wanted to attend a service, or send flowers, etc.
She might have been grieving, but she could have asked a relative or friend to make those calls on her behalf. But, because I can't imagine having to make those calls..I do feel for her..and that perhaps her grief prevented her from following death related protocal to a "T".
I am sorry for your loss, and my best wishes to you.

Answer 2

Yes, it is cold and impersonal but she lost her spouse so be compassionate. I think the best thing for you to do is call her and ask if there's anything you can do to help.

It's kind of odd that you say he was a very good friend but you didn't know about his death for 3 weeks?

If the two of you were very good friends, she might've felt a bit abandoned by his group of friends not showing up to offer any support. Shouldn't someone in your circle have tried to call this guy sooner than 3 weeks just to catch up? Then you would've found out a lot sooner.

She could've handled it better but you may have no idea with the amount of grief and loose ends she's dealing with right now. If I were you, take a deep breath and offer whatever help you can.

Answer 3

Please have some compassion for this woman. As a widow, I can understand what she is/was going through. It is very, very difficult to continue to tell people that your husband is deceased. You live with it 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I realize that e-mail is less than personal, but you have no idea how hard it is to even put one foot in front of the other at a time like this. The fact is, she DID tell you. That the way she told you didn't suit you is the problem. If it were any other situation, I'd agree that there was a better way to do it. However, given what I know is the scope of her grief, and the surreal state in which she's operating now, I again ask you to forgive her and try to understand.

Answer 4

This has happened to me twice in the past year - I'm at the library on the net, checking my e-mails and I learn of a person's passing. In both cases I was in tears. E-mail is definitely not the way to go to deliver this type of message. If a phone call isn't possible for whatever reason, a handwritten note sent via regular mail is more appropriate.
Also, it's never too late to send a card or flowers, but if he was a close friend and the service was not a private one, I would feel sad that I wasn't able to attend the service to pay my respects.

Answer 5

First off, I'm sorry for your loss. It may seem cold or impersonal to you the way that the widow let everyone know, but put yourself in her shoes. She has just lost the love of her life, and she must be feeling very sad and overwhelmed. Forgive her, and although this might not have been the way that some people would have chosen, she was probably thinking that it was a fast way to get it out to everyone, and she wouldn't have to retell the painful story by talking about him to everyone. Send a card or flowers now...if you just got the email, it wouldn't be too late.

Answer 6

Wow ... that does seem cold. However, someone who has just lost a spouse may not be at his or her personal best, understandably. While the e-mail may have seemed brusque, imagine trying to make dozens of phone calls to relate the news while in an intensely vulnerable emotional state.

Yes, your late friend's wife certainly could have handled the situation differently. But instead of fuming over the e-mail, why don't you send the card and flowers now, and ask her if she needs any help? It's never too late to reach out to someone in need.

Answer 7

Apparently his wife did not think that you were a close friend or you would have been included in the news, she should have let you know if he was sick or promptly after his death if it was sudden. As for this insensative wife of his to E-Mail such a rude note to people informing everyone of his demise she needs to spend less time on the computer and more time writing a personal note to each of his friends. You have every right to feel that this was "cold". As for a remberence of your friend I would send a donation to whatever organization you choose in his honor and then send this cold blooded person a note that you have chosen to remember him in a proper manner, just remember it's never to late to send a sympathy card, you will feel better for having done it. By the way it's up to each person to remove a person from their address book if they so chose, if she had their e-mail she must have their home address, grief is not an excuse .....shame on her! Very sorry for you loss.

Answer 8

Well I can see why you are upset but let's take a look at this in another view. It could be that she went to his email account (witch she may not of known all of the people he knew) and she let them know he passed. If you have ever been in that situation when somebody dies the first few weeks are horrible...and they seem like a fog. I do not know her but I would like to believe that she contacted everybody that was in the phone book directly and then later went to his email account to inform others. It might seem cold, but what if she did not know allot of the people on his email list. She is not going to want to call them all and re-live the drama over and over. It was probably easier for her just to email. I wish you would of known sooner I feel your pain of wanting to show that you cared for him. I do not know your whole situation and wish it would of been different. I am just trying to see another side to it. I guess I am trying to find a reason why she would do something so cold.

Sorry for you loss
Blessed Be
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Answer 9

This is a horrible way to find out that a friend died. You are correct in feeling annoyed. I could understand if someone told you via email the day of the death...because it is a quick way to get everyone together if there weren't enough people to make calls. I can't imagine how you must have felt reading this in an email.

Answer 10

I think that notifying people that way is a bit cold, but maybe she had no other way to contact all those people. I DONT think she should have said "delete him from your contacts list." However, i have never lost a husband so I wouldnt presume to understand how she must have been feeling at the time of the email.
It may have simply been easier for her to notify people this way so she wouldnt have to call or write each one personally and dwell on her emotions....just a thought!