a fight question amongst a family what should i do ???????

Question

my father and i got into a fight because he has cancer. not a fist fight just a huge argument. The fight was over his cancer because the doctors told him to do two things stop smoking and start walking. He is in stage 4 cancer however the doctors told him that he does have a 14% chance of beating it. Thats not very good but if it were me i would say hell with the smokes i could be one of the 14 out of 100 to survive. He has chosen not to stop, but he lied to me and continues to lie. I told him the other day i cant sit there and watch him kill himself every day. He threatened to kick me out because he said i was causing to much stress. I told him politly i would be out by december. The thing is i might have a chance to get it done this week. I think hes completly dreading it because today he told me dont be foolish your in college dont add stress to yourself. I want to make my point clear, at the same time i dont want to hurt his feelings. We are ok know we talk but im still

going. Because no matter what he saise you just dont threaten to kick out your son i would have never done such a thing by word or action. I plan on seeing him and not just leaving on bad terms. I think hes afraid im leaving for good. I told him im not. What do you think?

Answer 1

you know, PLENTY of parents threaten to kick out their kids everyday...his cancer is about HIM.

...leave if you must but when he's dead will you be happier because of your "self-righteous" attitude and how it's affected his last months of life?

Answer 2

Hi Thomas,
First of all, so sorry for the situation of your father, and you, in that order. I recently lost my mother to cancer, and all I can tell you is no matter what you are going through (which is strong) nothing can compare with what your father is going through. I feel your frustration, but this is one time you need to place your Dad first. To him, life is over, as simple as that -- it does not matter what doctors or anybody else tells him. Don´t add to his fear by leaving him now,
plus, no matter what the outcome, you will never forgive yourself if you leave him now.
I suggest you have him join a support group, there are lots of them, so that he can freely speak of his fears and anger with others that are going through the same as he is. He must also be worried sick about you, about you when he is gone, although he will never admit that to you. There are also support groups for family members of those who have cancer, which are helpful.
Do you have a pet? Does he like dogs? Another solution might be to go to the local pound and get him a dog that has been abandoned, who can keep him company and will need to be taken on walks -- however, you would then be responsible for this
dog,so that might not work.

Thomas, you need to be the strong one and try to make this a period of memories, of talks, ask him all sorts of things about your family, his growing up, childhood, etc. Try. For both of you.
My prayers are with you and your Father.

Answer 3

Take it from an old lady. First of all, let him make his decisions on what he wants to do for the rest of his life. You want him around as long as possible. That is normal. I think you are adding stress to him by leaving now. He will need you A LOT in the next few months. Please, I have experience in a similar situation. Stay with him if possible till he goes. Let him go at his own pace and wants. It may be time for him to go no matter what. Just be there if you love him.
It will be hard on you, I know, but later on you will be happy you did it that way.
You won't have regrets. My prayers are with you both.

Answer 4

Don't go, you will always regret it. You sound like a caring and loving son. Your father is doing what is right for him. I know it's not right for you, but no matter what do not let him think you are upset with him. He loves you, and you have to support him in his decisions even if they are the wrong ones. His actions feel selfish, and maybe they are, but he may want to have this little bit of control over what is going on. If he wants to smoke , don't cause him pain over it. He is already causing himself enough pain. Stay by his side, and go tell him how much you want to be with him at home. You both need each other. Hang on it is going to be one of the worst rides of your life.
ex-smoker( i hate smoking!)

Answer 5

Your Dad may be wanting to end it soon because he realizes that the medical bills, to fight this cancer, are prohibitive and the "quality of life" will not be any good. He loves ya dude and is only trying to make your life better by not being a burden on you with medical bills. Besides,maybe smoking is the only pleasure he has left. I know it's hard to see a loved one do this,but you have to look at it from his side as well.

Answer 6

I'm really sorry to hear about what you and your father are going through. I hope you will let him know that your leaving is not about his lying, but more likely it's about not being able to sit around and watch someone you love work at killing themself.

When my father developed Emphysema due to his smoking, my mother was furious about his unwillingness to quit smoking. While it was not as serious as Stage 4 cancer, it seemed to her that she was being forced to watch the man she loved actively work to kill himself. It made her very angry. When he finally quit, she was able to at least relax and be loving toward him, even though they both knew my father's life has been cut short.

I wish you luck in your move. You should be in your own place so that you can live your life the way in which you wish to, and so can your father. He just has to realize that watching him make no effort to save himself is causing more stress than anything college and living out on your own could create.

Best of luck.

Answer 7

I am a three-time cancer survivor and here is what I think:
I think you are both under almost unbearable stress.
This is not the time to make major decisions about moving out or anything else.
Cut your dad some slack about what he said to you.
The man is hurting.......and so are you.
About his smoking and exercise......you can not control anyone except yourself. If he chooses not to follow doctors advice, there is really nothing you can do.
However, if you can put that aside and concentrate on letting him know how much you care about him, he just may decide it is worth it to try to be more careful with himself. Or he may not, once again, it is his choice.

Answer 8

I think you better stay put. It's his decision to continue to smoke not yours. It's his life and he should be allowed to live it as he pleases. He must also be going through all kinds of stress and a smoke sure can calm me down even though I know its bad for me. I would be broken hearted if my son moved away in my final days of life. It's your decision but what you do now cant ever be changed once he's gone. I pray for the best for you and your Dad.

Answer 9

Don't move- he was probably having the worst day of his life when he told you to go- honor & respect him through his last days & you will have more peace when he is gone. Use your energy to educate others about the suckiness of smoking in his memory after he is gone- let him do what he wants & take care of him like he probably cared for you when you came into this world. Good luck.

Answer 10

Your Father was probably in a form of shock. Smoking is a VERY HARD habit to give-up. Plus, you are going to college and he is stress-out. Go to college and make him proud. Do stop by and let him know that you love him. I mean say it to him.

Answer 11

explain to him and try to get him to see it from your point of view: say something like, "dad... imagine you watching your dad (hopefully he had a good relationship with his dad) not doing anything to help himself while you just stand on the sidelines watching helplessly. i really want to help you if you would just let me. etc etc. every time you have a cig craving, let me know, and i'll be there to distract you/take your mind off it. i want you to get better, i can't stand to see you dying right in front of my eyes and not doing anything about it. etc etc."

sometimes when you fight with someone, it's really hard to be honest because whether or not we notice it, we all have this pride that we can't destroy by revealing our true sentiments. don't be afraid to tell him EXACTLY how you feel, even if you think/feel like it might make you seem weak. i'm sure he'd only greatly appreciate it once you say it.

hope your dad gets better. :/