Am we too hard on my daughter???

Question

My daughter who is almost eight lied to my husband the other day. She had gotten into trouble at school for talking on Friday. She told me and I basically told her that it was okay, and not to talk when she wasn't supposed to talk. She never gets in trouble, so this wasn't a big deal since it's not repetitve. She asked me not to tell her dad, I told her I wouldn't b/c I want her to be able to come and talk to me. I did however tell her father, He was making small talk and asked her if she had gotten into trouble this year (she usually tells him things she asks me not to tell) so she said no, he asked her specifically if she had had her green card taken at all this year. She said no, which is what happened. We are very strcit on lying b/c we feel that is the key to communication is belieiving her. Anyway, he told her he knew she was lying and she had to go set in my room for about an hour. We had plans to go places both Saturday and Sunday and cancelled those plans for punishment.

She does not know that I told her dad. The teacher send it home in her folder if she gets into trouble.

Not the first time she has lied. Probably the third time.

Answer 1

I agree with everything except the fact that you told her you woudn't tell and you did. You and your husband are a team...you should share things, but never lie to your daughter and think it won't come back. Let her know that what you hear will be told to your husband, as well. But I also feel that as your daughter gets older, there will be things she needs to discuss with you that your husband really shouldn't be a part of. Some things should and will be private between mother and daughter...same with father and son.

Answer 2

I am very strict when it comes to telling lies also. I make that very clear to my son. What I don't understand is that you expect her not to lie, but you lied too and don't tell me it is ok for you to lie because you are the adult or her lie was different than yours because a lie is a lie. You told her that you would not tell her father what happened and you told her that it was ok since it is not a repetitive thing and not to do it again. That should have ended it there. You went behind her back and told her father. That was not right. Children follow by example. If you wanted to tell him, you should have told her that you must tell him because he must be aware of what she is doing also. Since you already gave her a warning not to let it happen again and he gave her an hour time out in her room, you guys shouldn't have canceled the weekend preparations. You should have given her the chance to do the right thing after you had a good talk with her and let her know if it happens again, her punishment would be worse. How is she suppose to learn from her mistakes. Do you think since you and your husband went to that extreme for a smaller issue as that, that she would go to you for a bigger issue? Even if you know she would probably tell him herself, you should have let her do it and kept your word.

Answer 3

I think its great that you encourage her not to tell lies. I think its for the best that she grows up telling the truth no matter the circumstances. If there is ever a situation where she told the truth and nobody believed her because she is known for lying and she needed some help she'd be in trouble. You should never keep anything from your husband you did good in telling him what happened. Both of you have a say on how to raise your daughter.

Answer 4

No, you weren't too hard on her. You need to stick by the rules. Not lying is very important. You also needed to stick by the punishment, so cancelling plans was the only way to deal with it.

The only problem is telling her father. You should have told her that it came up in convo with him. That said, you shouldn't hold info like that from him in the first place. Whether you've reached an understanding or not, he needs to know.

You did the right thing and I'm sure you'll continue to do so.

EDIT: If the father found out by other means than you, then you did nothing wrong. He found out by the note and not you, so you can't be considered a liar or anything else. You did nothing wrong and it's still good you stuck by the punishment. If this isn't the first time she's lied, she's developing a problem and you need to handle it as you have in this case.

Answer 5

Your Punishment was right on. Alot of people may not agree with me, but I believe if you teach your child to lie, then he or she will. I have 3 step daughters who know how to play the game between Mommy and Daddy. Mommy and Daddy are completely oblivious to it. I, however, come from a divorced family, so I know how the game works. They lie constantly. And they get punished for it. An hour in her room wasn't enough punishment. You were right for canceling her weekend plans. Maybe, just maybe, you got the point across.
As far as the person who said you were in the wrong because you betrayed her trust. YOU ARE HER MOTHER, NOT HER FRIEND! There is nothing in the world that bugs me more than a mother being more of a friend. Your husband should be your first priority. You shouldn't keep things from him. It isn't good for your marriage.Your daughter needs to understand that she can't expect you to keep things from your husband. And by telling her Dad, you did just that. I applaud you.

Answer 6

You lied to her. Now you have lost your daughters trust. You encouraged the lie. Having an honest relationship with both parents is important. Looks like your husband has issues too. Did he know you told her you would not tell him? He really put her in an awkward situation, shes only 8. Sounds like he was on some sort of power trip. He took it too far. Ease up on the kid, shes still young. Do not punish her for things you are involved in-you lied too. And it seems she was honest by coming to you and telling you what happened, I think you are the one in the wrong. If anything she will probably try to lie more because now she knows she can't trust you and this is what will happen when she does come to you.

Answer 7

Well i sure parenting can be hard, but sometimes children need to make mistakes to understand that its wrong. Like small things like that. But that was her first time lying and talking, don't you think that's a little hard for a 71/2 year old. Maybe you guys both should have sit down and talk to her and then her punishment should be no dessert for today or can't go outside. Something small like that, and if she does it again take the punishment a little bit stronger.

Answer 8

So let me get this straight...

1. You told your daughter you wouldn't tell her father, then you told him. I'm pretty sure this matches the definition of lying.

2. You set up a situation where you agreed to keep a secret from your husband. I'm pretty sure this matches the definition of dishonesty, if it may not actually contain an outright lie.

3. You punished her for "lying" when she tried to keep the secret that you had previously told her you would keep, and which you lied about.

4. You have the gall to tell us that you're "very strict on lying."

What I can't figure out is whether #4 is simply a lie to us, or whether you actually BELIEVE it because you're so used to lying to yourself that you have no conception of what personal integrity IS.

In any case, it almost doesn't matter what you SAY to your daughter, because your inability to be in the same ROOM as the truth is going to teach her to grow up just like you.

Answer 9

I'm young but old enough to relate ,1st don't keep secrets from the dad unless it has something to do with female troubles because it sets a bad example and because he knew even though you didn't tell,your daughter may think you told which might make her feel she cant trust you and it puts the father in a bad light as the disciplinarian, 2nd you were not to tough on her 1 hour is age appropriate and to cancel sat and sun plans was good as well. 3rd may i suggest a lie jar ,its a jar were every week on a slips of paper you write activities down for her and if she gets caught lying you randomly pick one out and she does not get to do it exp. tv for a day or the park on sat. if you have nothing planed then punishments go in to the jar exp. no tv no phone calls and if she comes forward to confess she has lied then she gets to pick her own punishment from jar after going through slips. this is good if you notice a pattern of lying which seems to start preteen like 10 for most girls.you seem to be doing a good job don't be to hard on your self if anything as adults i think most people would rather their parents were to hard on them than to slack. :)

Answer 10

I don't think you were too harsh on her. By canceling the plans for the weekend it made her realize that lying had it's consequences and I am sure now she will think again before doing so again. Some of the stricting punishments I got as a kid still are burned into my brain today. I am not saying to be extreme about it, but in this case I think you did perfectly.