Please this is serious. My fiance, though a wonderful person, very often seems to suggest that i have no life! This is affecting my self-esteem gradually... i had no problem with my way of life earlier and never viewed it as worthless. But since i realized that he's not very happy with the way i am , i feel unworthy of just anything. I must say he's a nice person who initially made me feel extremely valued. I know love changes.... but that early ??
2006-08-28 05:02:28 · 16 answers · asked by smorgan 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Yes, that easily.
WHY?
Because some people are controlling and abusive. They get you hooked with sweet words and actions. Then they show their true selves. Making you feel worthless is just one way that men use to control their wives/girlfriends. If he shows that you aren't what he wants, then you start to try to change for him. Ten years down the road, you may find yourself staying home, cooking, cleaning, and waiting on him hand and foot while he slaps you for being such a worthless piece of trash. Mental abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse are all tied together. Once he shows signs of one, the others aren't far behind. It's a vicious cycle.
See how many of them apply to him and your relationship
http://www.m-a-h.net/library/abuse/article-signs-verbal.htm
Get professional help and couples counseling before you take any more steps towards marriage. If he truly is an abuser, then it's better to find out now than later when it's too late.
2006-08-28 05:21:40 · answer #1 · answered by welches_grape_jelly 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There are many wonderful people in this world, all kind and sweet and nice and thoughtful, but that doesn't mean they are the right ones for us to marry. At this stage of your relationship, with a wedding being planned, you should be his life and he should be yours. Have a heart to heart conversation with him, somewhere you aren't going to be interrupted or he won't be distracted. Let him know how you feel. If he doesn't take you seriously, then perhaps this is a good time to either break off the relationship or take a break from each other. If you are unhappy and feel you must change to make him happy, this is not the solid ground needed for a successful marriage. Fix this problem now before you get married, have a couple kids, and then decide it was a bad choice for both of you. Perhaps what you mistook for love for him was just affection, appreciation, and attraction. There is nothing wrong with saying "no" to any man regardless of how nice and wonderful he is. Because you are suffering from self-esteem problems now which you did not have before is the sign that this is not the right relationship for you. Being married to the right person makes you both better people together than you were apart.
2006-08-28 07:44:37 · answer #2 · answered by sevenofus 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a complicated question because everything depends on your own relationship and everyone is different. Go with your instinct.
That being said, I'm in your fiance's position even though I am the woman. I realize and understand that one of the worst things you can do is put your partner down, make them feel worthless, etc. It is in the very core of my nature to tease and joke and Io ften carry it way too far. My boyfriend never actually spoke up, I had to realize what I was doing on my own.
I love him very much and I feel terrible that my mouth and insinuations can make him feel like he doesn't matter, because he means the world to me.
You need to talk, and often. This is something that can be overcome. In my case, I have to retrain myself to be loving and supportive, not critical. If he truly loves you, then he may need some prodding and help and he will realize that he's hurting you.
However, if nothing seems to work and it appears that this behavior is indicative of a larger problem and it's not just in his nature to be critical and snippy, then separation is necessary. You do not want to spend your life with someone who makes you feel bad for essentially being yourself.
Best of luck!!!
2006-08-28 06:03:13 · answer #3 · answered by Elizabeth S 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Things won't get easier. If he says things like that so early in your relationship, do you honestly think he will not continue after your are married?
Talk to him, ask him what his problem is, ask him what he expect you to do. You are not the problem and don't let him talk down to you. Don't let him make you feel like dirt. I know how you feel. I go through that every day, only I am not as strong as some people.
Make the right decision, the rest of your life depends on it. If he is not ready to accept you the way you are, then he is not worthy of you. Good luck.
2006-08-28 05:25:16 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Although, I've never been engaged this is very similar to the beginning of my problem. My BF "suggested" the same about me when we moved in together. I must admit, I did become a bit "clingy". I was just used to all of his attention and affection and when we began to "get used to each other" all of that slowly stopped. I just expected love to be like it was in the beginning forever.
Now, 6 and a half years later, I have learned that it should have been. If he got "tired" of me that fast then our relationship was doomed. After our 2nd child, I finally accepted him for who he was and decided to live my life for me. I didn't expect anything from him emotionally. Now my heart his cold and he wants me because I don't want him anymore. Complicated!!!!!
My opinion is that you guys should definitely get counseling. You should not go into a marriage feeling like this. Even if it is only sometimes. Get help now, before its too late. Eventually, you will resent him for making you feel this way.
Hope this helps.
2006-08-28 05:16:32 · answer #5 · answered by onemillion_n1 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have two options bascially:
1) Tell him this hurts your feelings, he may not know and just be joking, and you are taking it to heart.
2) If he still doesn't let up after asking him to stop then you have to realize that this is emotional and mental abuse... and that abuse only gets worse, believe me. I had a boyfriend that broke my self-worth down to the point that I had none. He ended up beating me up, all the time. Abuse is a slippery slope. You have to end it now. If that means leaving him, it does.
Oh, and one more point to add, don't let him blame you for treating you this way. It's his choice to use those words against you.
2006-08-28 07:59:10 · answer #6 · answered by Laura 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why are you marrying someone who makes you feel like scum? He has no right to put down your self esteem. It seems as though he has an issue with his own self esteem and feels better putting you down. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that? Think carefully--you can do better!
2006-08-28 05:47:54 · answer #7 · answered by Miss J 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is not good. Sounds like he is trying to intimidate you, to ruin your self-esteem and trod you down! Not good.... Talk to him about it, and if you're not satisfied with his answers, suggest counselling. Have you had pre-marital classes? Some guys get very passive-aggressive like this - trying to put you down as a way of building themselves up. Could be trouble...
2006-08-29 03:43:09 · answer #8 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why would you want to be with some one who puts you down. Life is too short to be spent worrying what other people think of you. If he doesn't change his attitude you should change your relationship status. I hope everything works out for you, good luck.
2006-08-28 05:29:58 · answer #9 · answered by Doreen A 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he doesn't value you now, he sure won't as time goes on. Either you both seek counselling together, or end the relationship. You are on a destructive path.
2006-08-28 05:11:26 · answer #10 · answered by weddrev 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋