Do you have any unwritten/unspoken Step-mom/dad rules??

Question

I'm a step-mom to a 9 year old boy. For you other step-parents, do you have unwritten, unspoken step-parent rules? Not discipline rules... rules pertaining to dos and don'ts of being a step-parent? How you interact with the ex. Things that you stay out of? Issues that you see as mom & dad issues only...?

I should add a few things... I've been with him since he was a baby. I'm not really looking for advice, just curious because of a dispute I'm having with a friend who is new to all this. I think she has overstepped a boundary. She doesn't think so.

So, the question is kind of like a poll based on the experiences of other.

And PS... I would never make him call me mom. He has a nickname for me and occassionally he tosses a mom in there.

Answer 1

My biggest rule of thumb is that I never trash my stepson's dad in front of him (or even if I think there is a slight possibility that he could hear). I do however occasionally remind him how much his dad has been a disappointment to him when an opportunity arises, just so he doesn't forget and end up being just like his dad and being a disappointment to his own kids. There have even been times that I defended Jake's dad when Jake accused his dad of being evil. I explained it that I didn't think that his dad was evil, just selfish. (In reality, I think his dad is about the worst dad I have ever encountered.) Now that Jake is older, he does forget a lot of the disappointment and idolizes his dad so I believe I did the right thing by not trashing his dad. I feel it would have made Jake resent me for it.

Also, I have never spanked Jake, ever. I am not opposed to a swift slap on the bottom of a younger child who is misbehaving but I was not the one to dole that out. (He is now too old for that anyway.) When he was younger, I always left that to his mother. My step father used to beat me till I threatened his life when I was 16, I was far too old for that crap, so I knew as a step father myself many things NOT to do.

Other things that I learned NOT to do include, never make them call you dad/mom. If they do end up calling you that, then you know you've earned it and won over their heart. Never show favoritism over them with your biological children like coming home with gifts for your kids but not the step kid (I've seen this in other relationships, it's quite sad).

DO include their name on the mail box. If you haven't married the child's parent yet, I would reccomend including the step child/children in the ceremony. My wife and I wrote our own vows to each other and I also wrote vows to Jake, to be read during the ceremony. After all, his life was effected in a greater manner by this marriage than it did his mother's life. In his world, it represented the reality that his Mom and Dad were NEVER getting back together. I am sure that is quite devistating to a 6 year old. He also got a necklace to wear (his choice over a ring) so that he could feel included too since his mother and I both got one. He was dissapointed when he found out that his name wasn't changing too so we toyed with the idea of adding my last name as a second middle name but never got around to it.

I hope this provides some insight.

Answer 2

As a step child to several step parents (lots of divorces on one side of the family), your best bet is to stay clear of anything unless you have support from your husband, at least in the beginning and 'break in' period. Have a serious conversation about what's expected of you and where your boundaries are. You don't have to make a physical list, but you should find out things like standing rules, things that he might try, how to discipline if dad's not around but jr has broken the rules, etc.

The three of you may also want to talk with jr about it. If you have any ideas of things that are not tolerated (Madden football, airsoft guns in the yard, his friend Bob, etc), these need to be let known before you get upset with him because of it. Let him know that you are not there to take the place of his mother, but that you still want everyone to be happy and behaved in the home. Having dad explain that you can punish, that you will influence rules, and that jr can come to you with things, will avoid animosity down the road when neither of you can hold it in any more.

Be sure you don't cross the line of trying to befriend him. You can have a friendly realtionship, but you'll have a completely different relationship if you are a friend rather than an authority figure.

It's a hard situation on both ends, I wish you nothing but the best of luck! : )


Your edit completely changes your question. Another 15 minutes from my like I'll never get back. : ( Its hard to give you advice with out knowing what your friend did and what the situation in the family is. Good luck to you anyway. : )

Answer 3

I just married my new husband and he is now the step dad to my four younger daughters. We really don't have any boundaries or rules. He treats them like they are his own and they occasionally call him dad in a joking way but mostly they call him by his first name. the only thing that we had to lay down for the kids is that he has just as much say as I do with discipline. He is involved in everything and even has coached me where I have made some parenting mistakes. He is 21 with no kid experience and I am 31 with 12 years under my belt. He is a partner with me. My girls still see thier real dad. There is some tension there but he holds back for the girls sake.

Answer 4

well I have a stepmom and had a stepdad. Its hard because everyone has their own way of parenting and what they think is right. as far as keeping things between the biological parents i would sudgest keeping child support and major parenting choices to them. I think your lucky because he was a baby since you have been in the family its so much harder to get along with pre-teens and teenagers when they are going through divorces and living situations. Hope this helps your friend.

Answer 5

I stay out of everything. i dont get involved in their fights, and I do not discipline him at all. *he never needs it tho* but thats a job for his parents.

I dont think my husband is a stellar father by any stretch, so I try to put myself in her shoes. Aside from the fact that we pay her a rediculous amount of money, she always has his best interest in mind.

The x and I are not exactly friendly with each other. We talk when we have to, we are not mean to each other. I dont voice my opinion at all. I used to do that, it got me no where and I wound up the one that was the most upset.

Answer 6

I have 3 step children and I've NEVER seen any of them...My husband's ex won't allow him to see his children because after years of her mental abuse towards him...he left, she filed divorce and when he didn't BEG her not to divorce me...but married me and had 2 more sons with me...She STILL thinks he's coming back to her! I just would follow any rules as long as they complied with my house rules...

BUT...with my own two older children, my ex and I don't get along..we have NEVER parented together EVER!!

I've TRIED to talk to him over the past 16 yrs and NOTHING gets through...When he sets a punishment for my children ~ I follow through with HIS at home punishment..BUT when they go to see him..and they are punished here...he lets them get away with EVERYTHING..

.Except one time..our 15 yr old daughter SNUCK out with her boyfriend, he THOUGHT she was at her friend's house...Then I get a phone call asking for HER friend's phone number and that he hadn't heard from her in 2 days..I'm like WHAT!!!!! WHy didn't he have this phone number BEFORE she went over? WHY didn't he have her call and check in sometime during the day?! When he finally did find her...she was sitting at the town police station waiting for him to pick her up..(he's a cop and made some phone calls!) anyway...her punishment would mean she'd confine him at home during the week she was grounded..so he said...No phone after 9 pm...which I know she used the cell phone... I stay out of my ex husband's new relationship, he's engaged to a woman with an 11 yr old daughter...she's Nicknamed: Little Satan! My children hate her...but like the woman...she's a bad parent and has a bad reputation in the town they live in...but I'm staying out of it...did I even answer your question?!

Mom and dad issues are about dating, make-up wearing ,driving, and curfews...I'd expect IF and when my husband's ex allows us to see them..they will follow the same rules in my house that MY children follow...chorses are done, home work, if your grounded at mom's your grounded here...I'm wanting them to like me..but not walk on me...

Answer 7

Always remember... it's a matter of respect.
The child may not like or accept you as a parent but he should respect you as the wife of his father...co-head of the household.

Whether you like it or not...you have to respect him and his mother as always having a 'bond' to your husband.

Answer 8

ok well dont make your kid call you mom against their will. im 16 and i have to call my step mom mom. i cant call her michelle. and it pisses me off so bad! and its one of the reason's why i cant stand her. please dont be like my STEP mom. give your child a choice!