what do I do about fiance who treats the kids differently?

Question

My soon to be hubby has two girls from previous marriage. When its our weekend with the girls it seems to me that He trys every thing he can to please the girls and my son is pushed to the side. when something happens the blame is put on my son never the girls. Its even got to the point where we dont do any kind of family outings unless we have the girls, Dont get me wronge I love his children but we have my son on a full time basis and to me it seems like he's going with out because the girls aren't around. I dont know if this makes since or not or if im making a mountain out of a mole hill. Oh yeah what do you think of this one he wants to spend over 100.00 on his oldest girls birthday party but isnt willing to do it for the other two kids.

His oldest daughter is 11 my son is 8 and the youngest girl is 4

Answer 1

Wow. I have kinda been going threw the same thing. You need to sit him downa and tell him whats bothering you. I almost left my husband over this. I have 2 boys and he has a daugther that he gets every so often. He had a hard time showing my kids effection and was always loving on his daugther. And it really hurt me and bothered me. But we had a long talk and worked something out. He is doing alot better. He give the boys hugs here and there threw out the day. ANd he plays with them alot. So far things are going really good. You just have to sit him down and tell him how you are feeling and ask him why he is doing that and what he can do to help the situation. If he is not willing to work something out and stuff, then you need to go. It does take time for the other person to get to eachothers kids. It takes TIME. YOu cant just bond with eachothers kids right off the back. But as long as you are trying and inproving over the days and becomming stronger then it will work out. Just talk to him about it and give it time. And if still nothing, then leave.

Answer 2

I have been in a similar situation to this and the thing I did to try to help the problem was to sit down and talk to him about it. Tell him that it hurts your feelings to see how he pushes your son to the side when his daughters are around. If you 2 are planning on marriage and becoming a family, and accept each other's children into your lives you will have to learn to not make differences in your children. If you can't do for one what your going to do for the others then don't do it at all. And honestly I can tell you that if you let it go and not say anything at all it will just end up eating at you and the question will just grow and grow.

As for the $100 gift I don't think that if it isn't a special milestone birthday then I would set a pre-approved spending limit for all the children to make it even. I'm not a big supporter of making differences in your children. You have to put yourself into their shoes. If you had a sibling and you watched your parent give them $100 gifts and you only get $20 it will hurt your feelings and children are fragile little creatures. It won't be a good thing...trust me on this.

Answer 3

Well first of all I think that he is more protective of his girls because they are girls and probibly thinks that boys should have more respect for girls.
He is probibly favoring the girls purely because they are his kids.
As far as a $100 birthday party. $100 doesnt go very far. But if thats a lot of money to you then he is probibly doing it because she is the oldest and therefore will appreciate the extra effort and cost.
It sounds like the adults have worked on their relationship together, but the adults have not worked on their relationships with each others kids, nor have the kids worked on their relationships with the other kids.
You all have some work to do before you take that walk down the aisle. Otherwise the marraige will be over in less than a year.

Answer 4

O.K. not to be mean but treat his kids how he treats yours and let him know how it feels for someone to make a difference and hurt your child. And I think I would look a second time at a relationship that my child may not be happy in. He deserves better than that. He didn't ask for this relationship you brought it to him so his feelings should be considered. If this may does nothing unless his kids are there then do something with him on your own. Have some mother and son time. I do that with my son and it gives us a chance to talk about things. Put your kid first !!!! He deserves happiness too !!! Good Luck

Answer 5

I'm sorry to hear about your problem. I'm a single mom with a son also and it breaks my heart to hear this. Your not making a mountain out of a mole hill. If he's not willing to treat your son as his own then you need to move on. I know that its hard to do this sometimes. I wouls talk to him about it, if you haven't already, and see what his response is. When children are involved a seemingly perfect relationship shows problems. Parents, even biological, sometimes don't treat their own children the same. Talk to him and see what happens. If you have already talked to him, and didn't like his response, then you should seriously consider moving on. Actions speak louder than words so remember that during your conversation. Remember how he does things when they're there and when they're not.

Answer 6

This man has issues that your son does not need to be saddled with. Don't do this to him. He's in a situation that he has not control over. You are the parent and protector; you have to take care of him first over everyone else in the world. Are you willing to put the girls over your son when in a tight situation with the kids just to please their father? I hope not. Stay single for now. Give your son a chance at life which is difficult enough without making him suffer from your poor choices in men.

Answer 7

You know the answer to your question, it`s just that you don`t want to accept it. If things are that way now you are not married, they will get worse once you are. He doesn`t sees your son as his, and that will not change after the marriage... have you talked about this with him?? if you haven`t you should...and after that talk make a real decision, you are still on time to make the right choice, do what is best for you and you son, even if it`s painful. Good luck.

Answer 8

Unfortunately, I don't think he will change. He obviously has blinders on to the fact that you are trying to be open and loving with his children and he is pushing yours away.

No man is worth that. If you haven't brought it to his attention, do so. If it makes him mad? Oh well. Remember, men come and go but your son is yours forever. It is up to you to protect him from the emotional abuse he is going to have to be exposed to.

If he isn't willing to change, tell him you hope his NEW fiance will be able to tolerate his selfish ways or hopefully she won't have any children from a previous relationship.

Then RUN as fast as you can to the nearest exit sign. You will find someone that will love your little boy.

I promise. I did.

Good luck sweetie.

Answer 9

Have you tried to bring it to his attention. It seems like he would deny that he is doing any of what you are saying, he is too close to the situation to see it. You might try taking your son out by yourself when the girls come over. Spend some quality time alone with him. But I see your problem and you need a solution to keep both you and your new man happy.

Answer 10

I understand that you love this man,but you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. Your son was there before him and will be there when he no longer wants to be with you. I know he love his kids,but he shouldn't treat his kids different from yours. As far as the party it depends on what he's getting with the money.Just talk to him and let him know that you love his kids to and he should love your son.A family is all the time not just when the girls come. Good luck