Do you resent the military like I do?

Question

Let me start off by saying that I dont mean to insult anyone.

My husband(hes wht and me blk that is hard in itself) is in the Air Force and he loves it and that is great. I hate it. We have been married 1 year and a half and spent 10 of those months apart. I just dont understand how he can love something that seperates us all the time. He joined after our marriage and I was upset beyond belief. I dont understand how the military can do this to families(luckily we have no children). Shouldnt the military want to provide stability and support to its members families? I have experienced none of that. It has been chaotic and so difficult.

And often I feel bad because I hate it so much and my husband loves it. I feel like if I just support it for him I am saying it is okay and it is not okay. I have told him that I give this a try but I refuse to be seperated agian.

How is one to deal with the such resentment agianst the military?

Thank you chapelite_av for not judging me and assuming that I am selfish.

Couldnt it be said that my husband is selfish for joining without consulting me. I dont want a divorce and willing to give it a try.

And to the other user race has nothing to do with whether or not one likes the military. You have been reported.

Explain how Im racist if I am married to a white man? And have only dated white men. Come on now I am far from racist.

Thank you royalrunner. Really nice thing you said. I am gonna try my best to stick out. I am very new to this and my husband says with time things will change.

Answer 1

Hi,

I know how hard it can be to be a military wife. I personally hate the fact the my husband is in the military. We have not lived under the same roof in over 3 years, between Iraq and Korea. But unlike you I married him after he joined the military so I thought I knew what I was getting myself in to but that dosent make it any eaiser. I missed my family when we were here there and every where. And about how the military can do that to a family i think back to the old saying that if the military wanted you to have a wife and a family they would have issued you one. I think thats horse sh*t but thats what they say. Honestly if you resent it that much I doubt it will ever change I have hated the Army from day one and still do. But be strong and dont let the military tear your marriage apart and hopefully it will get better. Feel free to contact me if you would like to vent sometime I know it can suck big time!!!

Answer 2

Military life is hard, and not everyone is strong enough to be a military spouse. Take how you currently feel, and reverse it.. if you had forbidden your husabnd to join, right now he could very well have been the one hating things and feeling like he wasn't allowed to do something that was important to him.. it could have festered into hate for YOU for denying him his chance to do what he wanted.

One thing that is a given.. we as spouses are ALWAYS second priority, no matter how much our loved ones say otherwise, no matter how much effort the military puts into being 'family friendly'.

Yes, separations are hard. But they are also an opportunity to grow as a person and discover how strong you really are.

You need to decide: which would you rather a have.. a life with him, even it it means sharing him with the military, or a life without the military. If you can't hack it, then do him the courtesy of leaving before that resentment you have of the military turns against HIM. By all means, tell him how you feel, but DO NOT give him an ultimatum, forcing him to choose between you and the military. he will only end up resenting you, and you could end up alone anyway.

Answer 3

Because your husband is gone a lot doesn't mean the Military doesn't provide stability for the family members. Most jobs in the Military require training and a lot of it, and much of that training can't be done wherever their stationed at. I would think you would want your husband to receive the proper training he needs in case he ends up in a place like Iraq.
You might as well file for divorce now since you're telling your husband you refuse to be separated again, because believe me, you will be apart often during his Military career, and it's not like he can tell his CO that he can't leave because his wife refuses to deal with a separation, and you shouldn't put that kind of pressure on him by giving him that ultimatum. And even if he does decide to get out because of how you feel, he still has to wait until his enlistment is up. They're not going to let him out of his contract for this reason.
All Military families go through this, but you can have a stable life as long as you both work at it. This is the 5th duty station my husband has been to since we got married. We have lived in Virginia, Washington and Florida, and now Italy. But our kids are very well adjusted and I don't feel for a minute that we are unstable. My husband is with a command now that requires him to travel, but it's nothing compared to when he was on a ship and gone for months and months at a time. But even then, we just made it work.
You should have told your husband all of this before he joined the Air Force, and if you did and he still joined, then obviously the two of you want different thing's out of life.

Answer 4

The military makes every effort to allow spouses to be together.
Most bases have dependent housing built for the sole purpose of allowing a member of the military to have their spouse and family with them. Of course, it is based on rank and often there is a waiting list but the military also provides an allowance for rent so people can get living quarters close to base. The military realizes that people are happier together and a happier soldier is more likely to work harder and be a better soldier, have less stress and be healthier.
Now, to your problem. Of course you couldnt be with him in Basic training (approx 3 months). A soldier needs to concentrate fully on training to learn everything they need for military life. This is for their safety as well as others around them. His military school for his occupation may have the same requirements.
And, possibly, he may be shipped somewhere where spouses arent allowed, like a war zone or other dangerous area.
Be glad he didnt join the Navy where servicemen can be at sea/on ship for a year or more.
Likely he will be stationed somewhere soon where you can be with him.
Yes, you are hurting and long distance relationships are never easy. I don't know his education or skill level, but your husband may have felt this was the best job he could get and support you.
You both get medical benefits, he has free life insurance and there is a steady income. In todays job market that is hard to come by. You say he loves it....He can retire in 20 years and have the rest of his life to be by your side.
Yes, it is terrible that you can not be together, but if the military only sent single men to war they simply wouldnt have enough left to fight. There are many children who were born of Vietnam fathers that never even got to meet them because they were killed in the line of duty protecting them and everyone else in the United States.
You should be proud and grateful for your husband, I know I am.
He chose to do a difficult job in difficult times.

These websites may help.

www.militarywives.com
www.4militaryfamilys.com

Answer 5

Well...After you were married that's something he should have discussed with you. Too late now. You now have a choice...you stick with him or leave. Don't resent the military....that's what they do, and your husband knew that going in if you didn't. I imagine it does take some adjustment and probably would have been much easier for you to get used to had he been in the service when you met. All I can say is maybe you need to socialize more with other wives. I'm sure you can get a lot of support that can help you through deployments. Good luck.

Answer 6

I don't resent the military. I realize that those in the military are there because they need to support themselves or a family or they feel like they can make a difference. It's the ones who call the decisions for the military to go to action or not that I resent. The ones that make the decisions to keep young families apart when the action may not even be worth the risk of their lives. Most of the people called to serve in Iraq are just kids trying to make a simple living, and they should only be asked to put their lives on the line for their country in the most dire of circumstances, not just at a leader's whim.

Answer 7

10 months out of 18. I really hope that you aren't complaining to other military spouses, because you will get very little sympathy. if you really love your husband, you will understand what he is doing, why he is doing it and you will be supportive of him.

He is doing a neccessary job and separation is part of military life. The military tries its best to create a support structure for the families. There are many military families that have been in the military for 20 plus years with children. I am a military brat and I loved the military life. I really respect my dad and what he does, and your children would too.

I hope you stick it out, maybe he will get out in few years. But if you stick it out, I'm sure you won't regret it.

Answer 8

Your attitude is going to do one of two things: Either destroy your marriage, or ruin his career.

There are many support facilities/organizations in the Air Force especially, to assist you during this trying time. Deployments are a way of life for military families. You however, must avail yourself of those organizations. They may or may not come to you on their own. The squeaky axle gets the grease.

Instead of griping about the situation, I'd learn to make the best of it, and get around other spouses who have had to deal with this their whole married lives. It might help you gain a perspective previously unknown to you.

Answer 9

If you hate the life that much & he loves the military life, you have 2 choices - suck it up & find a way to like it. Involve yourself with other wives & particpate in base events. Your only other choice is cut & run. Give up & get a divorce, no need for you both to be miserable. It will only get harder when you have a family. The seperations will continue & there is no way for the military to fix that. That is why they are called soldiers, if they all stayed home why would we need them. You will be seperated again but only you can chose why - deployment or divorce.

Answer 10

I know how you feel. Mine is army and we've been apart more than together since we got married. Sometimes it seems to much to deal with. The way I deal with it is this. I love my husband dearly and what makes him happy makes me happy. We also made the agreement that if it EVER gets too hard on me he won't reenlist. Give it some time....it gets easier and you'll get to where you appreciate him more and appreciate the sacrifices he's making for you and this country. Hang in there!