What to do if you want kids and your wife does not?

Question

I want a family so bad because I was raised in a great household by all star parents and so I want that experience again. But yet my wife recently stated that she does not want any after 7 years of marriage and with trying. turns out, she was diagnosed with Ms 2 years into our marriage and got freaked out by the idea of giving birth. She does well with her Ms and leads a very normal life with a great career. Even though we have consulted with every doctor who have said she would be fine with labor, she still does not want any. I am 33 and want kids while I still have lots of energy.. She does not want even to adopt and I have a problem with that. I am in a marriage where if I do not have kids soon, then I may start looking for someone who does, what should I do? i love my wife, but the thought of going through the rest of my life without my own family drives me into depression at times and into anger. We did testing and my sperm count was so high. What would you do?

Answer 1

Have you tried talking to her, I mean of course you have, but basically some of the things you outlined here, in regards how it makes you feel thinking about the idea of not forming a family. Is there any reason why she isn't interested in adoption, because that sounds like the best option since she's concerned about her health and how childbirth would effect that. Perhaps you could try to sell her on that idea, or at the very least find out why she does not want to. Good luck.

Answer 2

This must be a very difficult situation for you. I think it is unfortunate that so many people in our society don't feel like the father should have an equal say in bringing children into the world. It is something that should be decided on by both parties with willingness to compromise.
From how I interpret what you have said about your wife though, it seems like she doesn't want compromise. To me, this means she is very serious about not wanting children. That being the case, it would be a mistake to have any, or to adopt any. You need to think about the situation you would be putting the kid in. People aren't perfect, and your wife may become bitter towards the child because it wasn't what she wanted/has changed the quality of her life/affected her carreer...
I believe firmly in the sanctity of marriage, but I also believe that children are the greatest joy and blessing you can have in your life. The experience of raising your own family is one that changes you for the better. It would certainly be very hard for me to imagine myself way down the road at retirement age without my own children and grandchildren being a huge part of my life. You are in a very tough position, and it is difficult to reconcile the two sides to your situation.
All that being said... if it was me (being 100% honest here), I would probably reluctantly step out of the marriage and not waste any more time in a situation where I was not moving towards my ultimate goal of raising a family.

Answer 3

It sounds like you both need to sit down and talk about it, be honest with her, would you be ok with adoption? Maybe she just doesn't feel capable of going through pregnancy and childbirth with her MS. If this does no good then maybe talk to a marriage counsellor or a psychiatrist. Good Luck!
ps. If you want kids more than you want your wife then you may have to make the decision to find someone else. Think real hard before you do anything rash though.

Answer 4

That is so sad. I am sorry to hear about it. I think that if you want kids so much you should seriously consider looking for someone who does, because it truly is the best experience I have ever had. When I met my husband he already had a son and didn't want any more kids, and if he didn't change his mind that would have ended our relationship. Does she know that the stakes are so high? I think you should be upfront with her about your desire for a family and let het know how much it truly means to you. I think adoption would be a good compromise given her health condition. Good luck to you. You sound like you would be a great dad, so don't give up.

P.S. If it's labor that is freaking her out, can she opt for a c- section?

Answer 5

I think you need to tell your wife exactly what you wrote here. Tell her about your need to start a family, and how you feel about possibily leaving the marriage to search out someone who does. If she is adament about not becomeing pregnant, there is no use to try to bug her about it. But she should also be aware of the position it puts you in, and the action you might take.

If you ultimately leave the marriage.......you might find another great love to have kids with. If you decide to stay with this marriage and not have kids.........you can never resent her for it. That is a decision YOU make....not her.

Good luck of whatever you do. Personally, I think you know what it is coming down to.

Answer 6

god that is very sad, everyone is entitled to have a family everyone.i feel for your wife and all and i dint mean to be mean or anything, but if theres no harm to the baby, she could be being a little selfish-please dont get me wrong I'm not putting her down I'm just feeling for you because the worst thing in life in my opinion would not be having children , i have often heard of situations like this and have similar goings on with peopl e i know. have you explained your true feelings and how you really NEED children, for its not just a want a need is very obvious here to.everyone needs to be loved and everyone needs to love, i cant even suggest using s surrogate mother to have both your babies because that too is impersonal.honey i think you have alot more soul searching to do yet.this is a big deal and if its coming down to the wife or the kids then you have a huge task on your hands.i hope you figure it out.good luck hope all ends well.

Answer 7

You sound very unhappy and disappointed. I am very sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds like you absolutely can not and do not want to live without a family that includes children. It seems your wife has her mind made up also. Perhaps with her current health condition, she doesn't want to take a chance with leaving your children without a mother. Have you tried counseling yet? Would she be open to this? If this isn't working, then perhaps you must move on and create your own happiness. Whatever happens, my thoughts are with you.

Answer 8

Wow, that is a tough one, sounds like you were both on the same plane but then she got MS. Try to talk to her and find out what about the MS makes her not want to have a child.

It's not fair to your wife to leave her after she comes down with an autoimmune disorder that she feels is incompatible with pregnancy. She obviously knows her limits and doesn't feel she can take care of a baby with MS.

Answer 9

You need to think about yourself, what makes you happy. You need to end the marriage now and find someone else to start a family with. You wont be happy in your marriage living this way. Even if you dont find someonelse you can always adopt on your own.

Answer 10

This is a terrible ordeal to go through. I have one child, but life threw me some curve balls too and that's all I have when I wanted a big family too. The MS is a terrible blow, but as you said it is possible to still have children. Sadly the decision is hers, and obviously she is scared she can't handle it. I guess you must tell her that you will be leaving if she won't agree to have children, and then you must go. I am so sorry you are going through this.