I found out that I had lung cancer & had to have partial lung removal.(major surgery) I talked to my oldest Daughter & asked her if she"d be willing to stay with me once I got home from the hospital. She promised she would. I told her that if she couldn't, I would try to get somebody else. She said she would. Well, I had my surgery, (20th of July)had to stay in the hospital for 8 days and then was sent home. I never heard one word from her since & she never came to see me at home or the hospital. (My husband had to take 2 weeks off work to help me.) She never gave me one thought after we last talked. We have had problems in the past. She has dis-owned me before for something small and talks bad about me. She is the only child that does this to me & I have 3 other children. She is also going through a divorce & left her 3 children with her soon-to-be-ex to be with another man. I can't take the pain she is dishing out any longer. Too many times. How should I handle this with her?
2006-08-27 14:12:27 · 19 answers · asked by Deboe 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
That was really wrong of her - but you can't force someone to be something they are not. I wish you luck. I hope the cancer is gone and you get better. Hopefully, she will grow up and come around.
2006-08-27 14:16:56 · answer #1 · answered by ? 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
First of all I want to say I am sorry for the way your daughter has treated you. I am 32 and I lost my mother when I was 29. There are so many things that I wish I could undo and take back. She was not perfect, but neither am I. I miss her so much. One day your daughter will be in my shoes, and it will hurt. I just hope that she sees the error of her ways and she can make some happy memories with you. I know that you both love each other. The bond between a mother and a child is great. Please be forgiving when she does come to you. let her know that it hurt, but you love her and will always be her mother. I pray that you both find peace in your relationship.
2006-08-27 15:05:07 · answer #2 · answered by wildflowers234 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As parents, one of the greatest desires of our hearts is for our children to grow up to be kind, loving, and responsible adults. However, there comes a time when our children make their own decisions and we can not control them any longer. We have taught them all we can and the rest of their lessons come from life itself. You can not change your daughter, you can only change how you relate to her. Perhaps you wanted to give her a chance to be there for you, but I think you set the situation up for failure. The diagnosis of lung cancer followed by surgery and your ongoing recovery is a serious time in your life. It would have been more successful and less stressful to have enlisted the help of someone who you could trust and rely on. Sadly, your daughter has not yet developed the skills necessary to be such a person. Cancer treatment and recovery from surgery requires you to be focused on you and your health. Your daughter needs to be told that you are choosing to surround yourself with people who can be helpful, loving, and supportive during your recovery period. If she is willing to be there for you then by all means let her visit and speak with her on the phone. But, if her visits and phone calls become all about her, then you should tell her that you are not able to speak with her or be with her at this time, that you love her, but you need peace and less stress to be able to heal. If this makes her mad and she disowns you, that is her problem. There is probably nothing you can say or do to make her change her mind, so just matter of factly state that you are sorry that is how she feels, but you will not back down or change your mind. It is time for a little tough love. Hopefully your soon to be ex-son-in-law is a kind and caring person and your 3 grandchildren are safe with him while your daughter is out doing her own thing. Your desire is for her to be a part of your life, but if she is not willing to compromise and put in the effort to work on the problems in the relationship, you may need to distance yourself from her for awhile.
2006-08-27 14:45:23 · answer #3 · answered by sevenofus 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she has some other issues right now. Let her come around on her own & if she does'nt then let her be. I know that would be hard,she is your daughter. Some people are just hard to love. You really need to take care of yourself. Stress right now is the one thing that you do not need. I have a simialer problem, but it is the other way around I have problems with my mother. I never know when I will do the wrong thing.(according to her that is). I have been disowened & talked about & that hurts. I try really hard, but I have come to terms that she will never be happy with me. So I just try to be happy for myself & the others that I know really do love me. Just remember that you have others in your family that love you too.
2006-08-27 14:30:03 · answer #4 · answered by candib 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh my God! Honey, I'm so sorry she treated you that way!
This is absolutely unacceptable, irresponsible, disrespectful behavior from your daughter. My advice to you is to take some time off from her. I don't know how long - that's up to you - but I wouldn't make it a trivial amount of time. I'd call her or write her a letter, whichever is easiest, and tell her honestly just how much she's hurt you and how you're not going to take it anymore. Tell her that you won't be contacting her for some time. Use the time away from her to think about what you really want in your relationship with her.
If you feel like reconnecting with her after that, lay down some ground rules with her. Firm ones. You need clear boundaries with her, or else she'll walk all over you.
Remember this: Family is not who you were born to or who was born to you; it's who truly loves you and SHOWS it.
2006-08-27 14:29:46 · answer #5 · answered by *huge sigh* 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
U have to learn to say "when" u have 3 other children who love u, u should have asked one of them...If she has disowned u, and so easily forgot all about u after such a major surgery it's some serious issues there between u both....and if she's goin thru a divorce after havin an affair and left her own children for some guy then it's really not mcuh hope for the two of u...let go...
2006-08-27 14:17:46 · answer #6 · answered by Darsh(Say it like u mean it) 3 · 1⤊ 2⤋
The only one to answer this is you. I have cancer too. I dont know what I would have done without my family. Im sorry you didnt have her support, I cant imagine how that hurt you. I know from going threw what you are that you are wanting to forgive her and let her into your heart again. Its hard to disown a child. All I can say is if you forgive her dont do it without first telling her how she hurt you in your time of need. Tell her what your family means to you, and what she means to you. I not only pray for your health but that she doesnt hurt you like this again.
2006-08-27 14:33:16 · answer #7 · answered by Mom 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well it is wrong for her to be so rude towards you, my mother and i fought alot for many years and 3-4 years ago she fell sick with a brain tumour we tried our hardest to get along and she died last year when i was 4 months preg with my first, i feel so bad that our relationship couldnt have been better but i am glad we tried and we both know how hard we tried, i just pray she realises that no one lives forever i am glad you recoverd well from your surgery but it could have been worse. but u said she was going through a tough divorce, maybe she is taking it real hard and needs to focus on herself and her childeren, while she is going through this tough situation maybe u should no ttry to depend on her nad ask for someone else, give her a call and see how she is maybe is u talk to her u can find out exactly why u havent heard from her. if u have other childeren or even other family cose u should consider asking them to help u for a while.
2006-08-27 14:26:06 · answer #8 · answered by Krissy 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think right now while your healing from surgery... you need to try to not think about the negatives... I understand you are probably extremely upset with her.... You could try to talk to her and just let her know.. I understand your a grown woman but, I am your mother and I feel I deserve some respect... Yes, we as daughters feel that "mom" sticks her nose in sometimes and tries to control.. but I understand my mother is doing that because she loves me... My mom has MS and I would never think of not doing something I told her I would... My sister is the non-dependable one out of my family... I wish you the best with your daughter and your recovery... you will be in my prayers..
2006-08-27 14:23:14 · answer #9 · answered by kutskova29 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Its sounds like your daughter is self centered and wrapped up in her own life. There is nothing stronger than the love a mother has for her children and she has broken that bond not only with you but with her own children. She will eventually come back to you but it will probably be because she needs something. You are the one who needs to figure out how much you can handle and if its worth all the heartache. Good luck
2006-08-27 14:21:14 · answer #10 · answered by Alissa 6 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Disown her! You have nothing to lose. Enjoy and appreciate your other children and your husband but cut her out. When you do that leave her out. When she tries to slither her way back in to your life, and she will, slam the door in her face and tell her emphatically NO MORE! You won't regret it and making a decision to rid yourself of her will bring you more peace than you've proably had in a long time. I wish you well and hope you heal quickly both physically and emotionally.
2006-08-27 14:23:08 · answer #11 · answered by Cashmere621 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋